Computer Science is Paradise

You did it. After 10000 hours of memorizing SAT math questions, you got into an extremely prestigious school that your racist extended family has no idea exists. You decide to major in computer science because let's face it, you're a nerd. Even though you've made some questionable decisions (like trying to ask out that cute senior in your Calc 2 class) you made the right choice. 

After 4 years of getting 0 play and watching Brad chug natty lite from the 9th-floor window of your comp sci building, grinding through leetcode bullshit, and 2 FAANG internships, you've got recruiters headhunting you like you're a blonde sitting alone at a dive bar. Some San Fransico startup focused on turning moldy bread into IPAs offers you 200k, but someplace called Shitadel says they'll pay you 350k all in to push buttons (as long as you can sleep with the empty feeling of contributing nothing to society). You ask MoldIPA if they can up the ante a little, and they say they'll give you 250k and 2 million in stock vesting over 4 years. You sign. 

It's easy. After a few years of writing javascript for 3 hours and playing video games for the rest of the day, MoldPA goes public and your shares are now worth a cool 10M. You cash out, and decide to build your own startup focused on selling the data of old people who try to use dating websites. 

You want more money, so you go to the VC firm next door from your SF penthouse, and you prepare to give them your pitch. You clear your breath -- "Hello! I'm a CS grad from Stanf--" One of the principals interrupts you like you're a shitty district attorney and they're the judge in the Kyle Rittenhouse case. 

"How much do you want?"

You say 50M cause it's a nice even number. 

You decide to walk into HBS to network more for your brand new company. It's filled with people like Brad who used to do something called investment banking. They brag about their pay -- you do the mental math (that interview grind prepared you well) and gasp as you realize these poor fuckers were making 20 bucks an hour. That's like, half the minimum wage in the Bay Area. 

You work on your company, and after a few weeks, you get bought out by some of the Brads and Chads you knew from HBS. They do something called Private Equity now. They tell you it's so much better than what they used to do, and how it's the new banking, but like, prestigious. You smile and nod as their boss hands you a check for 4 times what you got to start the company.

Life is good.

Comments (36)

Most Helpful
Nov 29, 2021 - 4:08pm

You forgot the part about donating money to left-wing causes and preaching about smashing capitalism while making bank selling old people's private information.

Nov 30, 2021 - 7:19am

Hey, don't be so reductive and salty. They also sell young people's private information.

  • 14
Dec 1, 2021 - 1:10am

The bodies of computer science majors is confusing. I stare at them and can't tell whether they're fat or skinny. 

We're not lawyers. We're investment bankers. We didn't go to Harvard. We Went to Wharton!
  • 6
  • Intern in PE - LBOs
Dec 1, 2021 - 1:28pm

It glosses over several things, but long debugging hours is a great way to weed off people who can't even do basic coding, let alone think about the abstract concepts

Dec 1, 2021 - 8:38pm

???????? banking is full of risk averse nerds and tame giraffes coming over from MBA programs

dont stereotype bro

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.

  • Analyst 1 in IB-M&A
Dec 2, 2021 - 9:23am

I realize this is partly a troll, but why do people still think bankers make $20/hour? Assuming a 70 hour week at 170k all in it's almost ~47/hour. An MD will make 500-600/hour

take out a calculator and do some simple division..idiot 

edit: whoever threw MS quit before their bonus hit or works at a no-name sweat shop 

  • Intern in IB - Cov
Dec 3, 2021 - 11:06am

70 hours is super low and there's also opportunity costs of not getting paid for overtime. So 170K all in @90 hours is ~37 per hour, but if this was a sane persons job that paid overtime you would be averaging ~48 per hour and making roughly 60% more.

  • Analyst 1 in IB-M&A
Dec 3, 2021 - 11:07am

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