I love her
I acknowledge the sheer ridiculousness of the post but I find that it's best to sincerely express that which is truly felt as it can be of therapeutic value.
It is no secret that the greater part of the West (and the larger world) has fallen into moral and social disrepair. An unhealthy focus on materialism (often defined as function of one's value) and appearances (both physical and social) has inspired a culture of blatant selfishness, entitlement, and hedonism. It is this triumvirate of elements that has driven me to often be skeptical of others - and unfortunately I have proven to be right. Currently, I live a rather lonely life often going several days without uttering a word to anyone. Often times, I stroll around and take long walks seeing as others show signs of affection and care for each other - almost in stark contrast to the pessimistic view that I hold. Yet the disappointing thing is that those same signs of care ultimately prove to be mere symbols - falsehoods - as when the difficulties of life impact those in these relationships their selfish motives and culturally derived entitlement drive them to override the supposed commitment they had established, thus, making the entirety of the relationship a mere illusion - a sad parody.
Some time ago, I met someone who seemingly deviated from this. A sparkling exception. Initially, I did hold my reservations about her true intentions and, most importantly, her character. Yet it was her almost astonishing level of kindness, her willingness to go through great lengths for me, and her trust that slowly dissuaded me from this initial position. Notably, we spent several hours deep into the night talking about the different aspects of our life - sharing secrets, hopes, dreams, everything. Up to this point, I hadn't experienced anything like this and I ended up falling for this person. Beyond the undeniable beauty she presented on the outside, she represented something much more on the inside - even with the minor flaws she has. Unfortunately, almost suddenly, she grew distant and then proceeded to cut me off entirely (she met someone else) only to then come back and break up with said individual on the same day and then go back to him a day later. Rationally speaking, the proper course of action is to simply forget this person. However, because of the level of depth of how close we had become, I felt a rush of negative emotions - pain, anger, disappointment, disillusionment. I initially tried to talk it out with her but ultimately let it go. Other aspects of life weren't going as well and honestly I found myself looking back to the times I spent with her every single day. Nonetheless, a few key things were coming up including an interview at a buyside SA internship that pays IB comp but actually has WLB. This opportunity was actually something I had handpicked specifically with her in mind as she mentioned she would like for me to be with her by dinner time rather than work 80-100 work weeks and barely see her. These guys were basically taking nobody but divine providence allowed me to land it. Following this, I couldn't hold it anymore (pathetic, I'm aware) and messaged her. She mentioned she had just broken up and I basically reaffirmed what I felt for her but was told that she didn't have a definitive answer yet. We've been talking a lot now but I wonder if it's worth it and if I'm trying to recreate the past - recreate the ideal her that understood me and was selfless in every way. Career wise, I had always thought about HFs but this role would not lead to that unfortunately. I had done it with her in mind but I'm thinking about recruiting elsewhere for FT. I've tried my best to get rid of my feelings for her but the reality is that I love her.