If I ever get fired in banking its because...
CFOs who provide me with financial statements that look like something out of Jumanji. How am I supposed to work on the model when capex is in your pre-tax expenses and you've clearly had your audit done by El Pollo Loco.
I drooled over working in M&A as an undergrad and now I regret not getting into ECM. Exit options are nice, but anymore of these deals and my only exit option is going to be seppuku.
Regards,
Jamie
Mod Note (Andy): Don't miss the top comment below by user overpaid_overworked.
I remember when I was a first year analyst
I kept questioning the workflow process, my bosses management style, and why the company won't offer stand up desks. To hell with it. I'm glad I'm no longer a wage slave.
Haha stand-up desks would be great, too bad they're exclusively for the MDs.
Aren’t you actually allowed to expense capex under the new tax bill? Instead of having the depreciation pre-tax expense over several years for the asset, you are able to just expense it all in one shot. I may be incorrect but I did recall reading that.
tax returns and a P&L are very different things
What does this mean?
Yea that is what he was trying to do
If I ever get fired it's because I wouldn't stop taking cases of 7-Up from the communal refrigerator to use as chasers for my boys from undergrad when we all get keyed after work.
The MD of Compliance saw me do it the other day and asked what I was doing. I was like lighten up bro, I just YOLO'd my last 5 trades on dodgy insider information, that should keep you busy for the week.
Ahh must be a nice life as a trader. Too bad i bombed my interviews with jane street, citadel, DRW, five rings capital, Susquehanna, Bridgewater and the list goes on. Trading just wasnt in the books for me.
Openly laughing at client projections.
"Hockey stick projections"
Unless the MD&A reads something like, "...and in 2019 management expects to all be fired and replaced with competent individuals," that 15% CAGR and 30% in OPEX reductions ain't gonna cut it.
You actually took my first thought in your original post, back when I was working in the LMM space there was a running joke that some of our client financials were prepared by GQC, (Grandma w/ Quickbooks in Closet).
Worked on a roadshow where we provided the book for an up and coming company to present. Super arrogant cunts, totally forgot that we'd done all their early fundraising (busted our asses), made us feel like we should be sucking dick to keep them as clients, fuckers.
At any rate, during road show, they are talking Cash Flow from Operations, CFO circles a number on the book and dead out tells the fund that "apparently [insert my bank here] can't do basic math, because one of our metrics is wrong. It should actually be x" After the meeting MD gets me on the phone and loses his shit, how badly I embarrassed him etc...
That night, and a chunk of the next day, I play every scenario I can from their financials to try and re-create the number they say should be the metric, fucking doesn't work. MD comes back from road show, 9:00 in his office to explain my mistake, I get as far as saying that I haven't been able to re-create their number before he tears a new strip off me. Calls the CFO, apologises, sets up a call to discuss the number in an hour, told to get the fuck out and consider calling a recruiter...
Call with the CFO, me, VP, MD. I say what number I get and how I get to it, CFO says, "well of course you're wrong, you're not including [insert x], and I thought you bankers were supposed to be clever". MD is fucking fuming, staring death at me. I say, "under IFRS, isn't that item a non-operating cash flow"? Also, if you're using it there, you'd be double counting in your FCF?" CFO says, "this is the way that we calculate it in this industry, maybe when you start to specialise rather than be a generalist you'll understand", call ends few minutes later with MD apologising again. After he hangs up, MD looks at VP and says, "is he right?", VP says, "I'll need to look it up" clearly having no fucking clue 'cause he hasn't seen excel in two years.
20 minutes later, confirmed, a) it's wrong under IFRS, b) they are double counting FCF. MD now mad at the client, "I can't believe that fucker who doesn't even know his own accounting rules made me look bad in front of clients, and worse, he called us out in front of Sponsors, fuck that guy". I go back to work, it's never mentioned again.
c. Six months later, company is halted to restate their financials, c. 9 months later company is trading 90% down. Still feel fucking vindicated about that.
Update, just looked, fuckers are trading at $0.02 right now, on $90 of shares traded for the day.
LOOOL if the CFO wasn't so defensive probably could have saved his company
ha, this is an amazing story, thanks for sharing
Great story! Your MD should definitely have apologized though.
Awesome story, SB.
2cent assessment: The MD's incompetence seems to be setting up a client call, in an hour, without discussing with you or the VP first to either 1) Find any/all mistakes (if there had been mistakes) or 2) discuss with you how the bank was actually right and how to structure the call to explain to client. Instead, the MD jumps on the call with no new information, receives your explanation then in front of the client, doesn't have an answer, and has to look weak to the client and apologize/not understand your explanation. Lesson: know your shit ahead of time as @overpaid_overworked clearly did, and as the MD clearly did not.
Agreed. I think this story reflects worse on the MD than the CFO. The MD should know that clients often don’t know what’s going on and he made a mistake by setting up a call so quickly and just assuming that the CFO was right.
Great story
one of the best things I've read on WSO since rufiolove told stories
Did the MD or VP ever say anything to you once you were proven right?
No, never an actual apology.
BUT, after they got halted we were at team event, and he told the story about how we had identified that their numbers were misrepresented months ago, so got credit for being insightful in front of 3-4 other MDs in the team, which I was pretty happy about.
For all prospective junior bankers: this is a perfect summary of why IB is such a miserable industry and why only the desperate stay beyond the first couple of years. Shit rolls downhill, you get none of the deserved credit, and all of the undeserved blame. And it doesn't get better as you rise the ranks, b/c someone is always shitting on you (Client>MD>Director>VP)
Great story!
Fuck your boss and the client. I'm sorry that happened to you, but must be nice to hear that they are down so much
Holy shit. Amazing story. I've had a situation where people started messing up numbers due to ownership percentages of shares, but that's a straight out IFRS rule - insane, good for you dude
Damn brilliant. Ever hear from the CFO after that?
This doesn’t make sense. Doesn’t the company have a three statement model? They / you would immediately see if they are double counting.
Sounds like their definition of Cash from Ops definition is non- IFRS. Was it accurate under GAAP?
When I was a 1st year analyst, a fellow 1st year made a big screwup. Let's call him Phil.
Our firm hit a major revenue milestone and the execs/owners decided to treat everyone with an all expense-paid trip for a mid-week, firm-wide celebration at the headquarter city (think celebrity motivational guest speakers during the day followed by partying at night).
After the last blowout party (which probably cost the company ~$2000/head), a bunch of us (including Phil) wanted to keep going at a nightclub a couple blocks away and started with a some bottles. Fifteen minutes into being there, a dozen more MDs and directors showed up and immediately quadrupled our order.
Around 2 or so a waitress came by the table with the bill. She was heading towards the MD who led the charge with the bottle service (real senator/statesman looking kind of guy). She nearly made it to him when BAM!!, an annihilated Phil swiped the check right before it could touch the MD's hands.
*MD: what're you doing?**
Phil: I'll get the points! (he was smiling like he was the smartest guy in the room)
MD: (looks at me as if he were asking if Phil was retarded and then quickly shrugs it off)
Fast forward to the next morning - the celebration was over. Everyone who wasn't travelling home was expected to get to the office. I rolled in, sat down, nursed a gatorade, and pretended to work in excel. A couple minutes later I heard some frantic mumbling and footsteps on the other side of my cube. I took a peak over the top to see Phil profusely sweating the poison out and pacing back and forth like he was about to get slapped. I asked him what was up. Through quick hyperventilating breaths, he answered.
Phil: "Uhh, I woke up with a $7,000 charge on my credit card, did you see me last night?"
I told him what I saw. Now remember, Phil was low-man on the totem pole. Almost every single person who was at the club table last night had seniority on him. But the poor kid didn't have a strategic thought in his head. Instead of asking any of the MDs, directors, or even that senator-looking MD, to help him out, he took it direct to our (also hungover) CEO who had just spent $2000/head the night before. He walked right into his office and, between the lines, he told him last night and the other parts of the celebration wasn't enough and that he wanted to be reimbursed for the $7,000 he spent on the afterparty.
How he wasn't canned on the spot amazes me to this day.
Cause he was drunk and the MD should've stepped in and solved that mistake before it was made. That's why he wasn't fired.
Shit, you're whole crew is so pretentious for thinking otherwise, and you more so for thinking he should get fired for that. I bring in $20 worth of donuts and my boss's boss reminds me twice to fill out an expense form. My boss's boss is directly below one of the richest men in the world, so put that into context before you mouth off back. Your senator looking MD shouldve hit him up first thing that morning to cover.
Fake ass fool.
Ouch
I hear you on the pretentious point, and sure, maybe we (and especially me) are/were pretentious. I'm in no position to claim to be without character flaws.
The point of my post is that you don't waste the time of your CEO (boss) and hurt your reputation over something that's well below his pay grade (a $7k mistake). It's kind of like if you actually brought your boss or your boss's boss to read the back and forth you are having on a WSO article because you got mad about a reply.
I might be a fool, but the fake thing here is you trying to earn points for by saying that you work under some guy under some guy who has a lot of cash.
another superb story thanks for sharing.
When I worked as an intern at a middle market investment bank, we had a communal kitchen that we shared with another division. Wasn't anything special - your typical no frills corporate kitchen; it had a keurig machine, flimsy plastic utensils, paper plates, etc.
Before I dive in, it is worthy to note that interns were placed at the very front of the office, and to get to the kitchen, we had to walk past all of the analysts, associates, and senior bankers who were situated towards the back of the office.
So every morning, when I came into the office, I'd have to go and walk past all of the other bankers to get to the kitchen to make my daily coffee and oatmeal, and then walk back past everyone again. I'd also take 4-5 water breaks throughout the day which would necessitate my walking to the kitchen as well. After a few weeks of doing this, I decided to take a longer route to the kitchen by walking out from the front of the office, cutting through the other division to get to the kitchen as I didn't want to come off as being unproductive.
I had some free time on my hands one evening waiting for sign-off to bind some books, so I decided to walk around and explore the office space. Lo and behold, I discover another kitchen in the other division tucked away in a corner. In terms of layout, it was the same as the one i'd been using, but in terms of amenities, it was definitely a step up. Their keurig machine had foam packs capable of making chocolate lattes and nice plastic utensils and plates. The fridge was also stocked with bottled and sparkling water. From the next day on, I began treating myself to chocolate lattes in the morning and sometimes even rewarded myself with a cup come late afternoon if I worked through a particularly hectic morning.
Anyways, this continues for about two weeks until the office admin of my department sees me walking out one morning from that kitchen. She informs me that the kitchen I had been using was reserved for c-level execs. I apologized and told her I would no longer use that kitchen. I said goodbye to chocolate lattes and began to use the kitchen I was assigned to again though it was pretty neat to rub shoulders with upper management even though I didn't know it at the time.
I wish I can say the story ends there, but the next week I decide to get Chipotle. As is common knowledge, to get the best bang for your buck at Chipotle, it is essential you get a bowl and tortillas on the side, so you can wrap your own burrito. When I get back to the office, I realize that the paper plates in my kitchen aren't going to be able to handle the sheer size of my food, so I decide to grab a larger, plastic plate from the exec kitchen. As I'm wrapping my burrito, the office admin storms out of her office and tells me to come see her in her office. I go in and she asks me if I have been using the exec kitchen again. To this I tell her that I went in to just grab some napkins as I didn't want to explain to her the plates situation. Well, it turns out one of the exec assistants caught me grabbing one of the plates and called up my office admin to complain. I profusely apologize and at this point I am sweating bullets. Luckily matters didn't escalate too much after that, but for the rest of the day I didn't leave my seat other than for bathroom breaks. I also didn't get Chipotle for lunch for a while afterwards.
Why do you bother working there?
Sounds like a prison.
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