i'd love to see this make the home page

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"its the running joke now, we now have fair trade with china so they send us poisoned sea food and we send them fraudulent securities."

its a war zone in the trading floor bathroom...

if you're a man and not a bitch, then #3.

This has got to be the funniest post in WallStreetOasis history. My trick is to make sure no one knows that it is you inside the bathroom. If you walk in, and someone else is in the bathroom, start to wash your hands or something. When they leave, quickly run in and let the rockets explode. When you are done, look under the stalls to make sure no one is in the bathroom, flush, and get out of there. It is very simple.

If its another analyst/associate poop away. If its your MD poop, reach your hand in the toilet and throw it in his face. They will remember this come bonus time.

Monkeys should act like monkeys.

toilets to my advantage; When you flush, it sounds like a hole in an airplane ripped out. This enormous vaucum sound will cover up any bombs you may be dropping. The trick is timing when to hit the "release" button and initiate the vacuum, if the timing slightly off your a dead give away for what your trying to cover up.

I dont even know which one to quote...

LOL across the board.

Shitting in a public restroom is like unwrapping a cough drop in a theater. You do it quickly and get it over with - no matter the noise.

If you draw it out, it just makes it worse. Let it rip - they are same sex bathrooms. No big deal. Everybody poops.

Some of you Ivy league kids are funny. At the target state school I'm at, coed bathrooms (in the dorms) and fraternity living squash this ridiculous insecurity.

If you have to take a shit, man up and do it.

"Everybody poops." -- one of my favorite books growing up.

I don't think insecurity public bathrooms is an Ivy League thing. Take a poll once you get outside the bounds of your particular school, I'm sure you'll find a fair number of shy crappers.

I always save it for public bathrooms. Hell, why should I use up my own toilet paper?

I assumed you wanted an answer to your question..... i hope

front page

I don't understand how this could be such a concern. If your shitting is really that loud, I suggest you get a better diet, particularly with more fiber.

Its all ok as long as you don't make any grunting noises or carry on a conversation with the person next to you or on a cell phone as you are doing your business

my wish has been granted. thank you.

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"its the running joke now, we now have fair trade with china so they send us poisoned sea food and we send them fraudulent securities."

The problem with the flush to cover up the loud crap is the occasional water splashing that can leave you with a moist asshole. This is a worst case scenario.

I thought sophisticated people in Europe pay extra for the device that splashes your ass post-shit; you seem to think it's a bad thing.

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Oh!the dreaded noise, the horrible splash of muddy water up your ass. An important toilet hint is to cushion the fall of the projectile, muffle the sound and dampen the resulting brown Sunani wave, by strategic placement of a wad of white before firing.

Analyst B did not practice proper shittiquette by using the stall next to yours, so you can do whatever you want. There are two shittiquette that we should all practice. 1) never use the adjacent stall unless other stalls are occupied 2) courtesy flush

Purchase a bodyguard. Tell him to explore the bathroom for preys in other stalls. He'll go in there take then out and badabing. The bathroom is yours.

I had to contribute this, it's just classic.

Just make sure you're somewhere safe before you click on this link. You might laugh so hard you shit your pants. I almost did.

http://www.amazon.com/tag/humor/forum?_encoding=UTF8&cdForum=Fx3HCQ4OEX…

Ask to play battle shits, like in Harold and Kumar

But there was a great flash explanation about the rules of the stall, for both excremenation methods. If I come across it, I will post it. It even had a test to make sure you knew the rules. Great Stuff

I generally utilize one of the following 3 strategies:

1) Begin tapping foot, then gradually move it until it is near or touching the foot of the adjacent occupant. Then reach under the stall divider, palm up, thus indicating your interest in cottaging.

2) Start watching streaming porn w/ max volume on your iPhone.

3) Wad up an entire roll of toilet paper and place in toilet so that an effective clog is guaranteed. Then, unload something fierce, flush, and run full speed for the exit as the overflowing wave of fecal matter engulfs the feet of your co-worker.

Its funny that in Japan they have devices in the bathrooms that you press a button and it creates the sound of a flush...

They say money can't buy happiness? Look at the fucking smile on my face. Ear to ear, baby.

Turn this post into a Bschool essay !

If only Brown had an MBA program ... :)

You always need some space in a public bathroom. I never sit next to anyone else, that would just be weird.

And usually I wait, but that's just me. More time in the bathroom = less time in front of Excel. Breaks are always good.

If you thoroughly chewed your food and ate non processed foods, you wouldn't need to ask this question.

Bombs away mateys.

Seriously, we need to start installing bidets in public toilets. Ever hear of toilet paper rash?

if you gotta go you just sure as hell gotta go

Does anyone actually sit on a public toilet??

hovering seems to be the winining strategy

1 is the correct answer. Sitting on the crapper while not having to do any real work is probably the highlight of my day, and I am in no hurry to end it abruptly. If someone comes in while you're in mid-shit, just wait them out and finish once they're gone.

Only an animal would just let it rip when someone else is in there. That said, if the restroom is always busy then you might be screwed.

I don't understand why you wouldnt just go. It's a bathroom, that's why it is there, so you can use it. Now, Im not saying that while people are present you need to be holding onto the stall walls and pushing with all your might, possibly grunting while doing so. However, if you need to crap, crap. What if Analyst B, or whomever, goes into shit as well, and tries waiting you out? Then you are F'ed, and it will really become awkward. Afterall, it's not like someone is going to hear you crap, drop to the floor to see your shoes and be like, "Oh my god its John! and He's shitting! Lets ostracize him."

On a side note, I would think that with all the stress and hours worked at an investment bank, people must have all sorts of GI issues such as IBS. So dominating a toilet at work is probably not uncommon.

For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING

When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER

A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the where abouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR

Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON

A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

source: http://www.ojar.com/view_11382.htm

^^ Funny Stuff

TEXAS HOLDOUT

This occurs when both parties try to wait out the other party and you both end up in the bathroom forever as you wait for the other person to finish before you let it out.

"Oh - the ladies ever tell you that you look like a fucking optical illusion?"

If you enjoyed this thread, you will definitely enjoy this.

I might be a sick person, but I thoroughly enjoy shitting in a public bathroom, especially one at work or school. Only 12 year olds care or even think to look who it is shitting next to them. And you have to remember if you're a normal guy/gal under 30 and there is a decent amount of middle-aged people working there, they are probably blowing that shit up way worse than you are. My reasons for enjoying public bathrooms are: if its a work environment its probably cleaner than my own at home. And I don't give a fuck if I clog it which is usually pretty difficult anyway . At my last office, the toilets would have flushed a watermelon down no problem.

I think the more valid/interesting question is urinal etiquette.

If I have to snuggle in between a couple dudes pissing, I'll just wait my turn for the crowd to clear.

No matter the scenario, I think you just try and out-fart the person next to you. Circa Peter Griffin.

3).

just try and out-fart the person next to you.