Through my many years of stalking linkedin, I have been in search of the perfect CV. At last, my quest comes to an end. I present to you, the ultimate linkedin profile:
https://www.linkedin.com/in/jacob-c-christiansen-…
He is not the one applying to firms, firms apply to him
Normally I would say fake, but he is German so story checks out
| +182 | Ideal College/Recruiting Timeline | 38 | 19h | |
| +72 | Lied on CV? | 53 | 4h | |
| +26 | Amazing offer but I’m drowning in debt | 13 | 20h | |
| Got fired after 1.5 years as an Analyst, want to stay in Banking but I am confused | 9 | 4h | ||
| +25 | Is there a point to networking if you have (nepo)? | 7 | 3s | |
| +23 | Are Single Managers Just Not Hiring? | 10 | 3d | |
| +21 | Job Switch Advice | 5 | 1h | |
| +19 | NYC Consumer PE/Growth Funds with decent comp but amazing WLB? | 6 | 5d | |
| +19 | Trying to break into IB | 7 | 4d | |
| +18 | Laid off, what next? | 8 | 3d |
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This man has been in school for the past decade straight :o
I'm wondering how he did internships during the school-year while at Stanford at places with pretty defined/regimented programs (e.g. McKinsey Jan-March internship in London). Seems like he didn't take those semesters off as he finished on time.
Edit: He is also a (FT I assume) associate at Blackstone while pursuing a DPhil at Oxford?
Stanford runs on a quarter system similar to Dartmouth and Chicago, so that may have been a winter internship during his winter quarter there.
nice thanks a lot
what the fuck
“but he is German so story checks out”
What does him being German have to do with anything?
German people are stereotyped as very hard working. This comment was made in jest. By the way, you have clearly never met German IB hardos, truly something to behold.
I thought it was Asian people who are stereotyped as extremely hardworking. I have never heard of Germans being stereotyped as extremely hardworking. And what do you mean by German IB hardos? What are they like?
Thought it was alluding to the fact they have no sense of humour, ie it couldn’t be a joke / fake page
He's 30 and has only ever been an intern or a first-year associate, probably in lots of debt due to 3 post-graduate degrees (only one of which will actually be useful to him in the end) and only ever making an intern/associate salary. idk if I'd say this is the ideal.
He is doing the PhD in addition to being what we can assume a post MBA associate at BX. He took the same amount of years to become one as those that did The Path (6 years out of undergrad). He got literally the top education in business, law and engineering (ETH is an engineering school only, it is likely he was an engineering major at Stanford as well). He probably racked more than 4 years of experience across his stellar interships in the most competitive industries in the world (in consulting, investment banking, private equity, government positions, top tier us law firms , hedge funds and corporate development). To me at least, you could not craft a better story for any role in management, finance or law if you wanted to.
I halfway expect him to go for an MD degree at John Hopkins or something.
Sure, but in the end he's only going into one of engineering, business, or law. If he goes into business the time and money (3 yrs and a fuck ton of $) spent on the JD is a bit of a waste, same with the DPhil. He could have done the same thing without spending that time in not super relevant degrees and instead just gone straight to work where he was going -- more $, more relevant work exp, higher position. Similar if he goes into one of the other two.
There's no reason someone needs to have worked in both KKR and McKinsey really (except in niche cases) and whichever path he picks the time spent at the other place is a bit of a waste. I would not say it was a waste if he were 20 but he's 30 and 2/3 of his work experience will likely end up being irrelevant to what he does in the end. Is he really going to sell his KKR experience to a PE firm? Wouldn't it be better to sell more experience in finance?
It's also very unclear to me where he's headed/what he wants to do. Idk I'd be more impressed if he stuck with 1 thing (consulting, engineering, or law) and just had relevant experiences to that profession. Much harder imo to be a Partner at McK than an intern at McK, Apple, and Goldman.
If he went for the MD at Hopkins either he'd become a doctor and everything else was lowkey a waste (now he's just 10 years behind in getting past the shitty years and to a high paying job) or the MD is a waste of time/stress/money that is barely relevant to his job in law/finance/consulting.
I’m shocked that people in this thread are taking this seriously as if this is a real profile
pls dont ruin this for me
Why do you think it is a fake profile?
did you look at it?
Some of the groups he claims to have worked for didnt exist when he claimed to have worked there, and some of the academic details arent real things
But also, common sense.
The dates for his internships/education don't line up.
This is so freaking fake lmao, you really think they give people "Magna cum laude" at either HBS or HLS? lol
Exactly. I was going to make a list of all the fake/unbelievable details but I didn’t know where to start. Also didn’t want to fall for the troll.
It's fake, but they do give latin honors like magna at HLS...
This is a FAKE LinkedIn profile with the goal of having you monkeys click the link to track your REAL LinkedIn profiles.
yikes probably true
OP stealing our data D:
now I am going to monitor new connection requests...
reminds me of how the ccp uses tiktok
What's he gonna do? Cut down competition by phishing email addresses from finance hardos and using them to send offensive apps to BBs to get them blacklisted?
His end goal is to use that BX offer to land an unpaid internship at Tobin & Co.
he doesn’t have an excel certification..... NOT CONNECTING
LMFAO this is an amazing troll
I appreciate you taking the time to make this profile. you are a true scholar according to the linkedin. It's a damn shame I forgot I was logged in my linkedin, I'm such an amateur compared to this guy. Well played
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