Being a gigachad analyst is paradise

Day 1. You hit the desk at Centerview/Evercore/Lazard type of bank. You worked your ass off to get here. You finished your series exams and now you can live out your billions/ suits fanfic. You come in with the Armani suit you bought with your signing bonus. You’re assigned to your first deal, some sub 100mm buyout. Great to start your career.

Day 2. Your VP assigns you the buyers log, the intern misspelled everyone’s names before leaving with a return offer. You send back edits at midnight, telling your VP to “not work all night at it, thx”. He thumbs up your comment. He respects you as equals.

Day 3. You note that Melanie from Yale is chatting it up with your friend Robert. You instantly become jealous, and ask to get staffed on every deal Melanie is currently working on, to critique and explain to her everything she probably doesn’t know but you do. She, without a doubt, admires your gumption.

Week 10. Everyone stays away from you. They’re afraid of your sheer mental capacity and will power. Even the VPs recognize that your time is super important, and from all of your experience with sub 100mm deals, they now only assign you to them, as you got really good. Intralinks Customer Service doesn’t even pick up when you have VDR questions because they know you know more than they do.

End of year 1. Your bonus comes. You stare excitedly at your bonus check, and realize that the accountants must have missed a 0. “Pfft this is why I don’t belong in the back office” you say.

Year 2. First years under you fear you. They see that you far surpass any and all analysts that came before or after you. You are the pinnacle of hardworking. Your ability to redact files is second to none. Melanie and Robert already have buyside offers, but you really found your niche.

One day, you come in and see a cardboard box on your desk, with instructions to leave your keycard and laptop with HR. All you see is red. Can you believe it? After mentoring Melanie on what EBITDA was and being respected by the senior management? You decide you had enough. Didn’t they know you graduated from Wharton from WUDIG?The everything bagel that you ate is ready to be deployed. You want it to be intentional. You squat down in the hall, and squeeze while waddling forward, leaving a brown trail of your rage, leading to the mini kitchen. All will feel your wrath. After reconsidering, the MDs really appreciate your gumption and promote you A2A.

Being a gigachad analyst is paradise.