Being a Nepo Hire is Paradise

I stroll into the office at 10:45 AM, triple shot oat milk latte in hand, wearing a Patagonia vest over my dad's old Evercore fleece. The analyst bullpen is buzzing...slide decks flying, models crashing, interns panicking. I nod at no one in particular. I'm above the fray.

By 11:00 AM, I’m “in a meeting,” which is code for watching Bloomberg clips of my father discussing M&A trends. The associate, Jake S, pings me: “Need that comps deck ASAP.” I reply with a thumbs up emoji and mute the chat. Priorities.

At 12:30 PM, I head to lunch. Jake stops me, visibly stressed: “We’re behind on the pitch.” I smile, “Don’t worry, I’ve got it covered.” I don’t.

Post-lunch, I return to find Jake frantically updating slides. I offer unsolicited advice: “Maybe use a different shade of blue?” He glares. I shrug. Creative differences.

By 3:00 PM, Jake confronts me: “You haven’t contributed to the deck.” I keep my cool: “I’m providing strategic oversight.” He storms off. I text Dad while sipping another Latte from my HBS mug: “Jake’s being a dick again. Wharton POS...”

At 4:00 PM, HR calls Jake in. By 4:15 PM, Jake is escorted out. I’m promoted to lead the pitch. I delegate everything.

By 5:00 PM, I’m at happy hour, regaling tales of my “challenging day" to the other summer analysts. The team listens intently. I raise my glass: “To meritocracy!”

Being a nepo hire is paradise.