Best way to assert yourself as the alpha in your analyst class? Wrong answers only.
Title says it all, let’s hear your advice for the incoming analysts/interns.
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Correct the other interns loudly during TTS seminars
Consistently brag about who your dad is.
this guy at my old firm we called him Jaime Lannister because he was always saying "my father this my father that"
A Lannister always prepays his debt using a 100% ECF sweep
Piss in your first MDs office while they're currently there.
,./
Richard.4 > Richard.3
wear a top hat with a morning suit![]()
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The goat, the bat wing, the brain. Just remember to kick them in the ass after and call them gay, otherwise it loses all meaning. And when you have a bit of down time, play with it and come up with new examples.
quote the Wolf of Wall St. and pretend like it's an unheard of movie that only true film lovers have seen.
ex: "Steeeevvveeee Maaaaadennn. haha get it guys? oh wait you probably haven't see this little film, called ths Wolf of Wall Street. Yeah it's a real tribute to cinema. kinda indie."
Fuck the MD's daughter.
Somebody I know actually did that.
Edit: Well since this was upvoted, I guess I have to tell the whole story now. This happened back when my older sibling was in the recruiting process. The guy got the return offer (not sure what he's up to now) and the MD made the C Suite. Not sure about what happened with his daughter, although I think they dated for a while.
100% he goes to apollo in the future
And then he gets to fuck the whole team
cc your dad's friend who's MD and hired you on every email you send
Hit on every female in the office. Including the MDs. Be over-the-top inappropriate whenever possible.
a good go-to is joey tribbiani's "how you doin" said with reckless abandon. say it to other women in front of women you just said it to
every time an analyst tries to out-maneuver you, send them a bunch of shit. literally.
https://poopsenders.com/
next time someone else does something, send them some shit.
eventually, everyone will get so tired of being shit on that they'll keep their mouths shut.
other ideas
HUMAN shit, Lloyd. Right now
Take a 1h long shit in the morning. Don't flush, let the aroma brew, and have another analyst flush it down for you
call everyone "chief" across the firm
Change your Email signature to Senior Summer Analyst and forward shitty work to other interns
Delete
Instead of bringing a nice beer to the virtual happy hour, pull out a handle of cheap vodka (+1 if its plastic, +2 if its vitali) and take pulls periodically
During bathroom visits make sure to piss directly next to other interns (bonus points if they are higher up employees). Make sure not to leave an empty stall between the two of you to induce friendship. Be sure to have small talk between the two of you mid piss – example – “How’s it hanging?” “What did you do last night” Be sure to have a jolly smile on your face and look the person directly in the eyes without blinking.
When others are having a conversation in the office, walk over and stand nearby by and listen. Make sure they can see you and there’s no need to actually say anything. You want them to think you are part of the team!
Everyone in the office will want to know about your childhood – especially the senior employees. Be sure to talk about your parents and refer to them as “Mom” and “Dad”. If you are lucky enough to get included on email chains talking about deals or other business, make sure to provide senior leadership with your input because they will be wanting it. Make sure to include references to classes you have recently taken – FINA 3000, MARK 3000, ACCT 2101 to name a few. CC your professor on the email chain if need be.
At the conclusion of the summer internship, make sure to get two pictures of you in front of the office logo (one serious picture and one really goofy picture - haha!) and post it on LinkedIn. Talk about how working for the company for 6-8 weeks was a life changing experience and be sure to tag senior company employees in the post. Also tag anyone who interviewed you as well.
Best of Luck Guys!!