Best way to assert yourself as the alpha in your analyst class? Wrong answers only.
Title says it all, let’s hear your advice for the incoming analysts/interns.
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Correct the other interns loudly during TTS seminars
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I just think you're some waspy fuck that created some beautiful imagery of vintage fuhnance
Consistently brag about who your dad is.
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this guy at my old firm we called him Jaime Lannister because he was always saying "my father this my father that"
A Lannister always prepays his debt using a 100% ECF sweep
Crucially need to refer to as Father, not dad
Piss in your first MDs office while they're currently there.
also an unrated comment
Make them swallow their mouses.
Keep using yours.
,./
Richard.4 > Richard.3
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wear a top hat with a morning suit![]()
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show your balls. see the movie "Waiting" for inspiration.
also, don't lead with the goat. brain is a good beginner.
The goat, the bat wing, the brain. Just remember to kick them in the ass after and call them gay, otherwise it loses all meaning. And when you have a bit of down time, play with it and come up with new examples.
quote the Wolf of Wall St. and pretend like it's an unheard of movie that only true film lovers have seen.
ex: "Steeeevvveeee Maaaaadennn. haha get it guys? oh wait you probably haven't see this little film, called ths Wolf of Wall Street. Yeah it's a real tribute to cinema. kinda indie."
oh my god I had another intern last summer who actually did this
Fuck the MD's daughter.
Somebody I know actually did that.
Edit: Well since this was upvoted, I guess I have to tell the whole story now. This happened back when my older sibling was in the recruiting process. The guy got the return offer (not sure what he's up to now) and the MD made the C Suite. Not sure about what happened with his daughter, although I think they dated for a while.
100% he goes to apollo in the future
And then he gets to fuck the whole team
claim to be JP Morgan’s great great great great (not so great-this guy sucked) great great grandson.
cc your dad's friend who's MD and hired you on every email you send
Hit on every female in the office. Including the MDs. Be over-the-top inappropriate whenever possible.
a good go-to is joey tribbiani's "how you doin" said with reckless abandon. say it to other women in front of women you just said it to
every time an analyst tries to out-maneuver you, send them a bunch of shit. literally.
https://poopsenders.com/
next time someone else does something, send them some shit.
eventually, everyone will get so tired of being shit on that they'll keep their mouths shut.
other ideas
HUMAN shit, Lloyd. Right now
Take a 1h long shit in the morning. Don't flush, let the aroma brew, and have another analyst flush it down for you
call everyone "chief" across the firm
chief for everyone above you, boss for everyone below
Bonus points for bud
Be the mf who spends the entire training lectures doing the excel models then flexing on your fellow interns during the allotted time when you're supposed to work together
Lie about everything to everyone
Send everyone your amateur porn video....
partner.....
Keep your sound on in the training zoom calls
Change your Email signature to Senior Summer Analyst and forward shitty work to other interns
Sleep with the MD that is frustrated with her life and now greying
Brag about how cool your college life is/was. People are keen to know how a late-night call is like when you and your boy Dave decided to cram for Accounting 201 the night before the exam.
ALL GAS NO BRAKES BABYYY
Refuse to wear pants on Zoom calls.
Conveniently "forget" to turn off your camera
HELLO BUTTCHEEKS when you go grab a kitchen snack as your VP rambles on
Party tiem
Delete
That is the funniest thing ever.
.
Damn dude maybe you shoulda tried some
use excel without a mouse
I think the best analysts are those who constantly go to managing directors and offer to help as often as possible, thus constantly raising the expectation for the entire analyst class until the "life" part of "work-life balance" is rendered entirely nonexistent.
Be a "know it all" and talk a lot instead of listening.
Oh, wait - this takes the cake - have people see you on your phone all the time. This is a BIGGIE
Won't that show that you are distracted and get your shit done?
ask senior bankers “who do you know here” when they get on conference calls
Name 5 VPs at this bank.
Instead of bringing a nice beer to the virtual happy hour, pull out a handle of cheap vodka (+1 if its plastic, +2 if its vitali) and take pulls periodically
Walk up to the desk of a more senior analyst or associate while they're eating and ask them some dumbass question. While they're answering, continuously take bites of their food or sip their drink. If they say "what the fuck", just say you were checking for quality. Repeat everyday for the duration of your internship and you get promoted to VP straight out of undergrad, true story.
Thanks for sharing such a info
Playing with yourself in the middle of zoom without turning off the camera especially when if its a bigger multi billion dollar transaction
Pinch out your nose hairs and eat them bit by bit during meetings.
A) Be one of those jerkoffs that always try to correct someone on the smallest technicalities.
If someones says the sky is blue, attack them with " Actually, the light scatters blablabla"
And be sure to always interrupt someone talking, if you can find something to pick apart.
B) When discussing methodology or ways to do something, always try to bring up what you had in some class at B-school or earlier employer. Even better if it's some top shelf name-dropping. 10/10 if it's some blind appeal to authority BS you pull out of your ass, just to one-up someone.
Consume your manager's flesh to assume his power.
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