Day 9: Why I Won't Date Bankerella

Andy note: See "A Male Banker Describes A Typical Female Banker In NYC — And Why He Won't Date One" on BI yesterday.

This post was inspired by What every banker girl needs. Once again, this reminds me that there are many delusional girls in New York City. Village Voice published an article in 2011 that detailed how unbearable these women are: Dear Single Women of NYC: It's Not Them, It's You.

As a Young Asian Professional (YAP) in NYC, I am affiliated with various social groups including Asian Ivy League Mixers and one type of girls that you can't miss out is your typical "banker chick". I want to talk about how they think, what they got it all wrong and why you shouldn't waste your time on them.

My quick bio: I am at a Private Equity firm that focuses on Emerging Markets. My other job is working as "Life & Dating Coach". Started as a hobby in 2010, I mainly focus on Asian Investment Bankers in the New York City area. Here is My Blog. I have helped many men get married as well as get into a long lasting relationship. I also write a column for one of the best dating coaches in the US. I enjoy helping people with their career challenges as well as with their relationship problems.

Just to remind our readers about Bankerella's post, a bit self absorbed?

Bankerella Every week I handle a bunch (call it a round half-dozen) of challenges that I consider to be a basic part of my life. You know: Take a bullet for the team. Be unable to get enough time to eat or use the bathroom for 6-8 hours. Get shit on. Stand up for yourself to the guy who signs your checks. Make a big, career-defining decision on data you know is bad. Meet a big CFO for the first time and be asked to tell him, on the spot, in front of your boss, what you think he's doing wrong.

Wait it gets better...

Bankerella But this scrub? He's constantly freaking out about challenges that wouldn't be challenges at all if he weren't such a delicate fucking flower. I do not want to listen to him trying (and failing) to solve life problems that I consider insignificant. Also, my time is fucking valuable. So do I. If you get two hours on my calendar, I need to walk away with two hours' worth of good stuff, and I want a guy who expects the same from me.

As I was reading her post, I can't help but to remember a few quotes that I have read from this article: Dear Single Women of NYC: It's Not Them, It's You.

Village Voice At some point, I yelled at almost all of these men for not being "what I wanted," and, as we all do, turned to my female friends for consolation and support. "He doesn't deserve you," they would say, my own Greek chorus. "You're so much better than him." Then, inevitably: "Why are New York men such assholes?"

Village Voice "There are no good single men living in New York City! They're all gay or taken!" It's followed by various tales of woe regarding "typical NYC jerks" and the evils they have inflicted upon amazing, upstanding, attractive, intelligent, high-powered New York City women who are so much better than the men they date.

Village Voice For every loser I've screamed at, there have been nice, normal single guys with perfectly acceptable ZIP codes and ages and jobs and habits who never did a thing wrong but for some reason were chucked after the first or second, or maybe even third, date for being boring, predictable, too nice, too normal, not successful enough, or . . . admitted to no one, perhaps not even myself: too available. The scariest of scary words.

Let's talk about your typical "banker chick" in NYC.
1. Predominately most banker chicks that I have been has been Asians and Eastern Europeans who came to US for school and got recruited into doing FO roles at various financial institutions including investment banks, consulting at McKinsey, or Corporate Strategy at Avon/ Tiffany and so forth.

2. Most banker chicks I have met are hardcore nerds. They went to the best high schools in their respective countries. They are top 10% of their class. If they were here for their MBA, they went to top notch undergraduates either in the US or in their home countries. I haven't forgotten about American born Chinese (ABC). All of these banker chicks went to Ivy League.

3. They are currently in age between 22-29 with a six figures taxable income (at least $100,000 base plus bonus).

4. They are extremely delusional: they think that their Ivy League education combined with their high paying job place them in a different level in the dating scene. I have met a girl at Goldman Sachs who works in their Quant group. She always wears Chanel, head to toe for every networking events and always give off condescending attitude.

What they say and how they think. These are things that I actually hear:
1. "I want to date someone at my level. My current boyfriend is only an Analyst at a BB. I need to at least date someone who is at the VP level." This actually happened to one of my best friends.

2. "Do I look like a handout? I am independent woman and I expect men to pay for dates and I also want someone who can take care of me, if I choose to be a full-time housewife." This is one of the most common lines that I have heard. I am always confused what does this actually mean. Do you want to be a full time housewife or not? How can you claim to be independent while expecting men to pay? No, I am not kidding. Match.com Dates $1,200 Free Dinners and

3. "I like my current boyfriend but I am not attracted to him. I have been seeing a few other men on the side whom I find pretty attractive and excited to be with." I knew a couple of banker chicks in NYC, who are doing exactly this. They feel that their current boyfriends are beta-males (good providers) while they look for fun with alpha-males.

4. "Where have all the good guys go?" To all the banker chicks, here is my answer:

Btw, meet my newest family member named:
MoMo, 4 months old male Pomeranian

Here is how you should really choose your partner.
Over the weekend, I had a conversation with a friend over lunch. We updated each other on how things were going in our lives and the people that we came across. Then we continued to talk about how dating in New York City can be pretty tough. We exchanged our ideas on what our ideal relationship would be like? She started mentioned about lifestyles and habits. Then we started talking about the big picture items such as: what would make or break a relationship? She asked me what I want from my partner. I said pretty simple, only three things:

1) Honesty & Loyalty
2) Positivity
3) Persistence

She said that’s a pretty simple list. It is pretty simple. I believe that I need all of these in my partner. Pretty obvious. Pretty simple. And yet I am pretty certain that it’s hard to find someone who can be “consistently” like that.

Honesty & Loyalty: I think they go hand in hand. I don’t think one can exist without the others. Honesty means really being honest with yourself. Honestly making a living. Honestly living life. Honestly understanding who you are. I have rarely met people who are really honest with themselves. A lot of time people are doing things that other people want. In order to know what you truly want you have to ask yourself a few questions:

a) Am I willing to put the work in?
b) Why do I want this?
c) How far would I go to get this?
d) Am I trying to impress someone?

Loyalty, first means being loyal to yourself. Loyal to yourself means standing by your beliefs. Loyal to your feelings. Loyal to your callings in life. So the first requirement is really asking my partner to be really honest to herself in learning who she is and then loyally following her true callings in life. Then it’s about being loyal to your partner. It means that no matter thick or thin you are willing to stand by him. Remember the marriage vow?

“I, ____, take you, ____, to be my (husband/wife). I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life. I, ____, take you, ____, for my lawful (husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.”

If you read that carefully, you will realize that relationship and marriage is all about really accepting and being loyal to someone through thick and thin. Sounds pretty simple, but it is something really rare to see.

Positivity: To me, being positive doesn’t mean someone who always sees life on the bright side. Being positive requires someone to have faith in believing other than himself. It’s about having faith and really believing that there is something greater than ourselves that we cannot see. It is the faith that things will always get better even when the situation looks extremely bleak. It also means someone who has a long term view in life. Okay what I want right now cannot be done right now, but what can I really do at this point to bring me that much closer to my goal? It is to see the opportunities in every difficulty. It is the ability to recognize the biggest challenges in life are just opportunities for you to excel. I haven’t met many people who can do that. That brings me to the next item on the list: Persistence.

Persistence: I think after having all the qualities I have mentioned above, you don’t have this one, it’s all a waste. I have never really seen someone who gets things done right on the first try. We are just not born that way. A lot of things that are worth achieving really require dedication (i.e. like getting a six pack abs). It requires a lot of time working day in and day out. These things never really pay dividends in the short term. You really need to invest a lot of your time and energy to benefit in the long run. Are you really the kind of person who can give up short term benefits in order to do well in the long run? Would you get easily depressed because things are not going well for you? Even if everyone in the room disagree with you and tell you that you are just wasting your time, will you be able to brush off their comments and keep moving? That’s something that I really admire and I think it’s really hard to find someone like that.

If you haven't seen this: CEO's Reply to A Pretty Girl

For those who are Asians, I highly recommend these:
NYMAG: Paper Tigers
Creating a Future of Positive Male Asian Role Models
Presentation on Above Talk in PDF

My Story:
Part 1: My Pursuit of Happyness
Part 2: My Pursuit of Happyness

See my previous posts in this series:
Day 1: To Be A Better Man
Day 2: Healthy Competition Among Mature Men
Day 3: I HATE YOU
Day 4: SWAG, Do You Have It?
Day 5: Word of Advice
Day 6: 10 Important Life Lessons
Day 7: Unofficial Guide to Banking & Dating
Day 8: Any MMA Fighters Among WSO Monkeys
Bonus: Previous Useful Posts
To Keep You Motivated
List of Resources for Personal Development
Free Modeling Course
Q&A Session with Human
NYSSA Equity Research Work Samples
NYSSA Banker Clichés