Goldman? Pfff, Here Are The Real Threats

I don't know why all this hullabaloo involving Goldman is getting so much press; if Goldman is guilty of anything, it's guilty of loving too much. Nevertheless, beware: danger is afoot. The number of threats to American values and pocketbooks are sky-rocketing in this economy, and these threats are real. Take Reuters' expose on the growing number of sweetheart-swindlers, for example. What's a "sweetheart-swindler"? Sounds dangerous, I know. Think Bonnie and Clyde, Natural Born Killers.

The porn-lovers at the SEC have charged at least a dozen couples in the last year with orchestrating securities frauds, insider trading, stock manipulation, and Ponzi schemes. That's right, America, we have a new threat besides sharks, North Korea, and tofu. Add educated, well-connected, financially-threatened white couples to the list. Cancel your dinner party with the Smiths. They want your money.

Reuters has this to say about the growing number of male-married-to-female fraud: "That represents a change from the past, when one spouse would typically leave the other in the dark. A husband, say, might make illegal stock trades in a wife's brokerage account without her knowledge. Or a wife may talk about some deal she is involved with at work and her husband then goes out and trades on that seemingly innocent 'pillow talk.'" Husbands and wives working together? That's just f***ed. The recession has changed everything. My God, get Mrs. Madoff in here -- I have a few questions I'd like to ask her.

Threat number two? Dominicans. Just kidding, it's David Ortiz. Jay-Z (a.k.a. "jigga") is suing David Ortiz (a.k.a. Big Papi) for trademark infringement and false designation of sponsorship. David Ortiz opened a nightclub in the DR called "Forty Forty" that Jay-Z claims are direct copies of his own "40/40" nightclubs. Hmmm. Suspicious. Threatening. Who said A-Rod doesn't have any friends? Can there be no justice for our nation's rappers?

Threat number three: Interns. You're already scraping by, you're back to basic cable, and now interns want to skim some more off the top of your already-measly paychecks. They're out for money, probably blood, our jobs, and last time I checked, they're everywhere. The Internet is crawling with them. What's more, they have our passwords, they know our travel schedule. Please, next time one of them bring you a cup of coffee, have them take a sip before you drink it. And call your wife. She may not be "out with the girls" after all.

Be on guard. Threats are everywhere.