Hot Takes Only: All Hedge Fund Analysts Are Fags

Welcome to Season 1: Episode 1 of Hot Takes Only, the Saga

There is no Hedge Fund in the world that does not fit the description of a "bunch of fags". I don't care how dope their office is, how much they're paying you to be around them or what hotel they booked you in for the night - they are still, at their core - a mere bunch of lanky, pasty fags. It's like every kid you ever shoved into a locker in High School spent enough time in his room and found a way to make money without interacting with other people and then got together and now think that you're supposed to respect them for it. And while we here at FratLord Enterprises(TM) give a bravo to the school shooters and Brock Turners of the world who found a way to turn their awkwardness and anti-social disposition into a lucrative career, we must recommend our listeners and subscribers stick to working for Banks, F500 companies, the occasional PE Firm (usually fags but not always) or even some consultancy agencies. It is much better to just work a normal AM, S&T or IB job that doesn't require you to interact with someone, of whom every impulse in your body is telling you to shove into a locker. I have to go through a few more of these interviews next week and I honestly might just start beating these dudes up as soon as the door closes then giving them wet willies.

The thing is in life, there are two types of Dbags in the world. There are Cool Dbags, like Real Estate Guys and then there are Uncool Dbags, like hedge fund guys. It can be hard to be around the Real Estate Guy type - he will try to show you his latest commission check every chance he gets and will reverse park his leased BMW in the handicap spot when nobody is looking. He may even tell you that your girlfriend has "Fire tits yo", but it sure beats the hell out of being with the Hedge Fag Analyst who sees your girlfriend then gets a boner in the athletic shorts he wore to work then runs away from the table crying and pretends like you don't exist the next day at work. At the end of the day, you can crack open a cold one with the Cool Dbag and have a genuine conversation about football and vaginas. He probably likes brown or yellow labs, and won't creep out your loved ones if you ever have to introduce them to your coworkers. Whereas with the Uncool Dbag, he can hand you a 90K a year starting salary with 50% first year bonus potential and you still feel compelled to kick his ass just for being so pale and lanky. You may try all your life in vain, to get along with the Uncool Dbag. You will attempt to get drinks with him and convince yourself "Yep, it's time I branch out, leave behind my idiot friends from college and start hanging out with smart people like me!". You will excuse his social incompetence and try to convince your other friends that your coworkers are not as gay as they seem. Eventually though, you're going to come to the conclusion, that all of your coworkers are fags and it's time to switch industries.

That concludes this weeks Hot Take and as always, it's nothing personal, it's strictly Hot Takes Only.