How do I sound less condescending?
Hi Monkeys!
I've been talking to a friend and I noticed they seemed more irritated than usual in our discussions. I asked about it and they said it was because I myself was condescending. I had thought I was extremely patient and soft-spoken when talking. I try my best to really listen to what they say. Being a close friend of mine, their words really stung, and I want to put in the effort to be less so. I know for a fact I used to be far more so, but I had thought I had made great strides of progress.
Advice for improving would really help. They said a reason was that I often used 'but' in my sentences to disagree. They've also said I often interject my own perspectives into situations (which is true) which makes it sound like I think I'm better than them. But these for me have been methods to further the discussion or to bring up a new point. I naturally want to learn about new ideas and perspectives, and these have been ways for me to do it. It seems most people don't appreciate them, however.
Should I stop using these methods to try to learn more about others' views and perspectives? Should I stop trying to learn different views and perspectives in general? To an extent, I believe in what I say, but maybe I should stop if it will continue to bite me in the ass with friends or otherwise.
Thank you,
I have a friend like this. Well as a friend group, we care about him and he has changed a lot during the pandemic, but it has made it difficult to talk to him at least for me personally. A few suggestions if I were to talk to him about this. Though I think I wouldn't everyone goes through phases, I get it:
- Hearing is not listening. Everything and Everyone may not require your opinion.
- Talk less on: Politics and work. Not saying to cross it out completely. But as friends when we meet I'd love to find out more on whats the update? Did you get a gf? Holiday planning? Honestly politics and other heavy topics may be a bit too heavy for the average person, especially since news is pretty negative generally for the past few years. Or talking about work "Working at GS/MS/JPM we closed a US$750mm deal, god it was SOOO small", naturally can sound condescending to those outside the industry.
- Involve people in the conversation, what have you been up to? You been ok recently? Saw you did this how was it?
- don't assume you are right
But by no means is he a bad person. He is a good friend, but at least I have seen changes. Or maybe I have changed since working. Dunno sorry if this offended, hope you didn't take it too hard, people change, it could be that mixing with other people may help you give a better perspective? Do people walk away after conversations with you? Or do they keep engaged? Maybe asking other friends if you've changed?
Disclaimer: Not a therapist.
I appreciate the response.
I think maybe you've hit something with "don't assume you are right". Of course, I don't actually believe I am right all the time. But philosophically, I've been leaning towards the idea that if we say something, we should believe in it, and therefore we should believe it's right. So potentially maybe this mindset is leaking into my normal conversations and interactions?
I suppose thats the issue. When you say something it sounds like its already set in stone, like a court hearing, a deposition, a trial, and no matter what anyone says you won't change your mind? Most interactions probably don't require that level of seriousness, being open to changing your opinion may help :)
Add more disclaimers to your speech
Thanks for the response, I'll keep that in mind.
Could you suggest some that you would recommend?
Try using the disclaimers at the end of pitchbooks or what you see on BloombergTV
Struggled with this in the past. Some tricks that helped me:
TLDR to make better conversation, ask more questions than make more statements
If you’re more successful than them, it maybe a inferiority complex of sorts that they’re on edge all times speaking with you. Or you are just a douche.
Took a different approach on this. Stopped hanging out with folks that are easily offended, irritated, bothered, or otherwise lack the thick skin required for a healthy debate. Confidence isn’t condescending, unless the person you’re talking to is somewhat insecure. I wasn’t keen on keeping those relationships so they just naturally fell off. I think it’s just a matter of spending time with those that you click best with. I don’t want to make an assumption, but from my experience friends made earlier in life happened serendipitously (went to the same elementary school and ate lunch together) whereas later in life, far more intentionally (those with whom you share values and life stages). No need to cater to all of your friends’ needs and certainly doesn’t warrant changing your character - in this case sounding less condescending from your friend’s perspective. Those that want to stay will stay, and I’d cherish those relationships more.
I can get behind this attitude, but I would make sure you’re being honest with yourself. Have the self-awareness to know when the problem lies in your own behavior and when you need to find new friends. Otherwise you’ll end up very lonely.
Agreed. There needs to be a good balance between self respect and friendships that is all, certainly not saying don’t bother with self-improvement.
Not everyone is going to like the boundaries we set and can’t be close friends with everyone, but that’s also OK. One could say it’s the price you pay (being firm with your boundaries in the face of demands of others) to stay sane (maintaining self respect).
too many unknowns I feel like to give you an actual answer I think I would really need a specific example to see if you are being a jerk or condescending.
As for me I will say since I come from a small place down south and I make a lot more than most my friends, I notice the ones who are doing very poorly are always the ones who accuse me of bragging and sounding like I am full of myself. This shows me that they are the problem and are likely insecure, If I got the same opinions from my successful friends than it would be likely I was the problem.
lol yeah no dont try to change yourself just be an asshole if you've earned the right
OMG. You are describing me during my b-school years. First of all, I actually was 100% condesending to start. I was the worst hardo you'd ever seen. I'm certain (dead certain) I f'd up some early networking because of it. I said some super cringy things that I didn't even fully realize at the time. Some close friends (a year ahead of me in the program) finally called me on it to my face. They were like "You are a smart guy, but you are pretty f'n annoying to talk to".
Turns out I would do things like punctuate my sentenses with things like "Ok, buddy?" Which I honestly intended as me asking for acknowledgement, but they read as being a dickhead. Although I meant well, it's not what I said, but how I said it and what they heard as a result. It's something that might not have been entirely your fault, but becomes your problem.
Also, this will sound a bit weird, but look at yourself talking in the mirror. Another piece of feedback I got was that I have a "very intense look". Turns out I had a pretty bad case of "resting bitch face".
I've made some course corrections, but even now I still have some bad habits. I try to fix them, by doing things like shutting the fuck up unless absolutely necessary (turns out a lot of the time it's not that necessary). I reassess every situation to see if my voice is really required. Being measured in my responses has also brought my intensity down to a palitable level.
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