Investment Banks as MMA Legends

GS & Conor McGregor - Absolutely revolutionized the game and despite a few tough losses in recent years still a leading rainmaker and poised to re-gain the undisputed BB rainmaker title

JPM & Jon Jones - All around power house with a massive arsenal to fuck you up with. Performance has been flawless despite a few sketchy PR incidents. RIP that pregnant ladies arm and that ex-Bear Stearns trader that dropped a 12 to 6 elbow on the precious metals market #youwillbemissed

CS / CS-First Boston & Khabib / Islam - Like an affectionate caterpillar with a hard on for the most violent hugs known to man this fighter has managed to transform into a new version of himself that's basically the equivalent of a new generation of iPhones manufactured by the best sweat shop workers in the third world. Despite the significant brain damage this fighter has accumulated while scrapping for mandates in the ass-crack of global capital markets (Europe), this metamorphosis might be exactly what he needs. 

Evercore & Kamaru Usman - Raw dogged his way to dominance, who needs shit talking, spinning elbows, kicks or submissions when you're the BB Nightmare. Defeated by his own success, but certainly not down for the count. Analyst consensus states that by the end of his next fiscal year fight Leon Edwards (aka. Jefferies) will be violently slapped back to middle market prelims 

Centerview & Georges St-Pierre - Massive fights, massive deals, absolute trail blazer. Has a certain mysterious vibe, seems foreign... but isn't, speaks in riddles... but it's just a French Canadian accent. Hasn't taken many L's but when he does he never fails to come back and raise the bar. While undisputedly one of the greatest to ever do it, unfortunately, as a Canadian, GSP lacks a certain....  "desire for aggressive retardation" which fans have come to expect and love from modern day champs. Analysts suggest GSP conduct a strategic review of alternatives by spending more time with the Diaz brothers and / or bonding with Jon Jones via cocaine, spontaneous target practice and playing Tokyo Drift in a Bentley (just look out for pregnant people... including Daniel Cormier)

Lost enough brain cells writing this, feel free to add your hot take in the comments... bon appetit monkeys