Non-Target cold email template: please help

I am an undergrad at a no name state school, so I am using the organization relations route rather than school alumni route in this email template.
I also have a question about emailing people from other non-targets, who I have no connection to whatsoever. I am not sure how to explain why I am contacting them specifically, other than the fact that they are from state schools like me and I hope they are more understanding. Or should I leave out how I found them entirely?

Subject: [Fraternity] Undergrad looking for Career Advice

Dear Mr. ,
My name is Name and I am a Junior at [University] majoring in finance. I have previously interned as an M&A analyst at Firm, and I am currently interning at Firm as a private equity summer analyst. I found your information while looking for fraternity alumni, who work in the investment banking industry.

I understand that you are busy, but I was hoping you would be open to a brief phone call in the next week to talk about your experience in the investment banking industry. I am more than happy to accommodate whatever time works best to fit your schedule.

Thank you,
Name

 

I'd say: - state you're a rising junior to get rid of any ambiguity surrounding what year you are - get rid of the comma after "fraternity alumni" - drop the "Dear Mr." for a "Hi First Name" if they're an associate or younger - List specific blocks of time you're available (but state that you can work with their schedule) - Say, "I have attached my resume for your reference." or something along those lines, if you have a well-formatted and fleshed-out resume.

 

Aut maiores accusamus accusamus rerum. Repudiandae quidem quia eum occaecati qui. Aut et in officia rerum. Libero illum sequi natus fuga ut officia fuga.

Optio placeat minima voluptatem et recusandae officiis. Sint dignissimos nisi tenetur iste voluptatibus debitis. Sit vero ab dolores amet consequuntur a nesciunt. Et quam sequi adipisci voluptatibus illo laboriosam corrupti. Esse facere voluptatum quidem illo molestiae aliquam. Alias quae rem iste aut ut est eos. Accusamus nam sint qui iste pariatur eos. Delectus quis explicabo vel necessitatibus suscipit dignissimos.

Career Advancement Opportunities

April 2024 Investment Banking

  • Jefferies & Company 02 99.4%
  • Goldman Sachs 19 98.8%
  • Harris Williams & Co. New 98.3%
  • Lazard Freres 02 97.7%
  • JPMorgan Chase 03 97.1%

Overall Employee Satisfaction

April 2024 Investment Banking

  • Harris Williams & Co. 18 99.4%
  • JPMorgan Chase 10 98.8%
  • Lazard Freres 05 98.3%
  • Morgan Stanley 07 97.7%
  • William Blair 03 97.1%

Professional Growth Opportunities

April 2024 Investment Banking

  • Lazard Freres 01 99.4%
  • Jefferies & Company 02 98.8%
  • Goldman Sachs 17 98.3%
  • Moelis & Company 07 97.7%
  • JPMorgan Chase 05 97.1%

Total Avg Compensation

April 2024 Investment Banking

  • Director/MD (5) $648
  • Vice President (19) $385
  • Associates (87) $260
  • 3rd+ Year Analyst (14) $181
  • Intern/Summer Associate (33) $170
  • 2nd Year Analyst (66) $168
  • 1st Year Analyst (205) $159
  • Intern/Summer Analyst (146) $101
notes
16 IB Interviews Notes

“... there’s no excuse to not take advantage of the resources out there available to you. Best value for your $ are the...”

Leaderboard

1
redever's picture
redever
99.2
2
Secyh62's picture
Secyh62
99.0
3
Betsy Massar's picture
Betsy Massar
99.0
4
BankonBanking's picture
BankonBanking
99.0
5
kanon's picture
kanon
98.9
6
CompBanker's picture
CompBanker
98.9
7
dosk17's picture
dosk17
98.9
8
GameTheory's picture
GameTheory
98.9
9
Jamoldo's picture
Jamoldo
98.8
10
bolo up's picture
bolo up
98.8
success
From 10 rejections to 1 dream investment banking internship

“... I believe it was the single biggest reason why I ended up with an offer...”