S-Tier – Blue-Chip Holiday Alpha
- Silent Night – Treasury bond of Christmas songs. Minimal risk, infinite upside in goodwill.
- O Holy Night – Opera fund: high yield if executed correctly (aka nailed vibrato).
- The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire) – Nat King Cole: strong historical returns, defensive play in any portfolio.
- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas – Sinatra’s seasonal hedge. Perfect for risk-adjusted comfort exposure.
A-Tier – High-Quality Holdings / Low Volatility
- White Christmas – Classic ETF. Historically consistent, moderate beta.
- Carol of the Bells – Structured note: sophisticated, high-ticket holiday party appeal.
- Little Drummer Boy – Small-cap sleeper: humble origins, long-term respect alpha.
- It Came Upon a Midnight Clear – Bond-like: stable, reliable, low drama, low downside.
B-Tier – Mid-Cap Seasonal Plays
- Jingle Bells – Highly liquid, retail favorite; short-term upside, moderate long-term prestige risk.
- Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer – Growth stock with nostalgia dividends. Not exactly blue-chip.
- Feliz Navidad – Emerging-market energy trade; cheerful but slightly volatile.
- Winter Wonderland – Defensive mid-cap: safe for portfolio diversification.
C-Tier – Speculative / Pop-Oriented Trades
- Santa Baby – High-beta play: fun, flirty, but reputationally risky.
- All I Want for Christmas Is You – Mega-cap pop; strong short-term returns, overvalued for refined portfolios.
- Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree – Momentum trade: seasonal spikes, long-term volatility high.
- Frosty the Snowman – Illiquid small-cap: nostalgia-driven, low prestige yield.
D-Tier – Meme Stocks / Low Credibility
- Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer – Penny stock-level comedy. Only buy if you like gambling with street cred.
- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – Cute IPO, fails due diligence on professionalism.
- Here Comes Santa Claus – Low sophistication ETF. Safe, but low alpha.
F-Tier – Toxic Assets / Do Not Post
- Christmas Shoes – Emotional volatility too high; avoid at all costs.
- Dominick the Donkey – Extremely niche hedge; reputation risk extreme.
- Any viral TikTok Christmas song – Meme-level contagion.
Forgot a couple:
What Child Is This?
O Come Ye Merry Gentlemen
Carol of the Bells
For Unto Us a Child is Born
Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy
Where's Wham!'s Last Christmas?
My favorite
Bro where is Jingle Bell Rock?!?!? Immediate addition to tier S.
Swap C tier with S tier. This ain’t a church.
Father Christmas by the Kinks
Sick ChatGPT slop, man.
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