Recruiting for Off-Cycle Boutique IB

I am looking to take on an off-cycle boutique IB internship this fall and am wondering if my cold-email template is strong. For context, I am a rising senior at a semi-target with experience in IB (small shop, basically search fund) and AM this summer. I have reached out to over 500 people via cold email and have gotten a very small reply rate, and am wondering if my template is strong or if there are any tweaks needed to be made. 

Subject: {School} Senior Seeking Fall Off-Cycle Role with {Bank}

"Hi {Name},

I’m xyz, a rising senior studying finance at the xyz graduating early, so I can commit to a full-time off-cycle internship this fall.

{Detail about a recent deal the firm has done and how I am interested to learn more}- Around 3 sentences

If you’re open to it, I’d appreciate the chance to connect for a brief 10–15 minute call at your convenience. I understand your time is valuable, and I’m happy to work around your schedule.

LinkedIn: my LinkedIn URL

Best,
xyz"

Is this a good template to use or should I start including my resume? Should I take out the up front ask for off cycle internship and make it more informational? Any help would be very appreciated.