The 5 Commandments of Surviving Your Finance Internship (at UBS): How to Impress Everyone by Doing Absolutely Nothing

1. Talk Like a Veteran (Even if You’re a Total Noob)
   Don’t worry if you can’t spell DCF—just throw around terms like “EBITDA” and “levered free cash flow” with enough confidence, and you’ll have everyone convinced you’re the next Buffett. And when someone asks for your take on a pitch, just say, “Let’s circle back on that.” It’s finance-speak for “I have no idea what I’m talking about, but let’s act like we’re too busy to care.”

2. Worship the Ground UBS Walks On
   When someone asks where you intern, casually drop “UBS” like it’s the holy grail. “Oh, you’re at Goldman? That’s cute. But, you know, UBS has that European flair, right? Way more sophisticated.” The key is to act like UBS is the Hogwarts of finance, and you’re a wizard among muggles.

3. Master the Art of the PowerPoint Face
   There’s a specific look you need when sitting in a meeting: one part deep concentration, one part complete disinterest. Practice in front of a mirror if you have to. Even if you’re just mentally calculating how many more hours you need to stay awake, maintain that dead-eyed stare—it’s the intern equivalent of peacocking.

4. Excel Is Life, But Pretend It’s Just a Hobby
   Everyone knows Excel is your real boss, but don’t let on how much time you’ve spent memorizing shortcuts. Casually mention, “Oh, I just whipped this model up in a few minutes,” when in reality, it took you four hours and a mild panic attack. And if you’re working at UBS, make sure to mention how their spreadsheets are just more elegant than anywhere else.

5. Stay Up Late, Brag About It, and Then Complain
   The holy trinity of internship survival: no sleep, humblebragging about it, and then complaining endlessly. If you’re not sending a 3 AM email and following it up with a 7 AM “on my way to the office,” are you even trying? And when you casually drop that you were up late working on something “massive” at UBS, you’ll have everyone thinking you’re one PowerPoint away from revolutionizing the market.

And there you have it. Follow these steps, and you’ll crush your finance internship—or at least make everyone think you’re low-key running UBS. Just remember, it’s all about pretending to be busy, doing as little as possible, and making sure everyone knows how obsessed you are with UBS.