Cold Call Email Novels - How to Recover?
I've been reaching out to people on LinkedIn - sending a short note to connect and a lengthier inMail.
I'm reading threads on WSO about keeping cold messages short - but mine are novels now - almost like cover letters! They usually span 4 paragraphs... something like the below. I'm cringing! I write even MORE if it's someone from my school, or I find something interesting about them, like this person who had started 2 of his own business - see below.
How / can I recover from this? Critiques appreciated!
Me: 3 years out of undergrad, currently in consulting, finding jobs on LinkedIn and seeing what connections we have.
Hi Name
I'm following up to my connect request. I saw a posting at Name for a banking analyst role within group. I'm really interested in applying and if accepted, being able to have you as a mentor in my career.
I studied finance and marketing in undergrad and pursued a career in consulting. I enjoy delivering to my clients and helping to create synergies - I'm also able to be creative, a big team player, and build a lot of relationships.
However, I want to challenge myself further in a faster-paced environment with higher-impact work. I have at least the soft skills to succeed in banking and I'm eager to learn and have been self-studying technicals.
I'm a firm believer that people and culture and important - I really enjoyed reading about your background, and I admire your entrepreneurial spirit! I took many courses in social entrepreneurship in school and volunteer in this field in my free time.
I would love to hear more about your past projects, what you enjoy about your role, and any advice you have for someone trying to move their career.
If I could have 15-30 minutes for a phone call, I would really love to get to know more about you!
Thank you and I hope you have a great day!
"I'm a firm believer that people and culture and important" typo - 'are important' but get that whole paragraph out of there anyway. Also; "I have at least the soft skills to succeed in banking " why are you short selling yourself and outright admitting to the person they can find a more qualified candidate? Lose the exclamation marks too. Honestly, do a search for a better template and yea needs to be 4-5 sentences max.
Connection is unsalvageable... wait a long time until they forget about you and try again. On your next try be more professional than friendly, and act older than you are.
Hi First Name,
My name is [Full name], I'm a consultant at [consulting firm] with experience in M&A, but I'm adamant about pivoting into banking. I wanted to connect with you and learn more about your role at [Certain Bank], which I have aspirations of applying to in the summer / winter / spring. Would you mind jumping on a quick call to share your experiences at the firm?
Warmest Regards,
[Full Name] university '[year] ......if an alumni
Thank you for replying to my post! Also Usual Suspects is mt favorite movie :3
QQ - I don't have M&A experience though - what would I say to replace that line?
Always appreciate a fellow Cinema lover! Replace it with experience you have that an Investment Banker might find valuable: Valuations, Client Services, Modeling Financials, Sensitivity Analysis, Sales, Marketing, DCF, LBO, LTM, CIMs. etc. (this list is not exhaustive)
Even if you don't have experience in the aforementioned fields, you should consider getting some before interviewing.
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