Critique my email pitch
hey everyone,
the time has come to start manically calling/emailing firms to give me a shot, so feel free to rip apart my pitch.
Greetings [contact name if I know if, if not, sir or madam]
I hope this email finds you well. My name is Name and I am a second year Bachelor of Commerce student at [target Canadian school] . I am writing to inquire about any summer internship opportunities available at your firm in the Toronto offices that will challenge me to excel. I have previous work experience as a data analyst at a government agency as well as extracurricular involvement with several finance clubs at university. I am interested in [whatever the firm does] and was very impressed with the [one or two points about the firm]
A copy of my resume is attached for your reference. I would welcome an opportunity to discuss my qualifications with you and learn more about Firm at your earliest convenience. I can be reached at [phone number] or via email at [email address] Thank you very much for your time and consideration.
My phone pitch is pretty similar, the content is roughly the same, with some minor tweaks.
thoughts?
Seems a little long and kinda forward.. I'd tone it down and focus on learning about them (both as a person and as a firm)
Lose the "that will challenge me to excel," nobody in the industry likes that cheesy kiss ass bullshit. People like a more straightforward, down-to-earth approach that still shows motivation. I also think "greetings" is a bit formal and distant, I just always hit people in the face with a quick "Hi ::Name::" "Hi" always gets my attention when I receive an email from somebody I don't know.
"In the Toronto offices" is also uncomfortable, just say "in Toronto." The rest is standard, it seems fine enough, I'm sure you could tweak here or tweak there to sound a bit less distant and awkward, but what you have here isn't that bad
I would just suggest that when you mention that you have an interest in whatever the firm does that you either tie it into your previous experience or give a reason why.
Also, if you can shorten it even better, although I'm sure it looks shorter in email form. If you can't find a way to shorten it then don't sweat it.
Fair enough, thanks a lot, I will definitely make those changes,
BTW, should I keep the part about looking for a summer internship in there? or should I focus on the relationship building first?
You should leave in the summer internship thing, I think it's good to be direct (Saves everybody time). But yeah, definitely loose the "that will challenge me to excel." I vomited when I read that.
Also, the last paragraph is completely unnecessary and is probably too forward. If they are interested, they will email you. The whole paragraph can be reduced to "My resume is attached. I look forward to hearing from you."
The "that will challenge me to excel" made me want to quiz you on Excel shortcuts...
thanks for the feedback.
when I call people, should I include the summer internship part as well? or when you call are you expected to talk for a bit and discuss the firm for a bit?
If they are an in a city you can get to relatively easily (couple hour drive or so) I would say I will be in X city on Y date and would welcome the opportunity to spend 15 minutes with you discussing (the firm) and (the industry).
I used this with 100% effectiveness in the fall (probably 12 requests and 12 informationals). I was reaching out to alumni and I am in business school, but it cant hurt to try even at your level. Just don't be a weirdo if they do agree to meet with you.
good email pitch, similar to what i've used ( of course with no results! )
It's the right idea, but I try to limit my emails to 3 sentences. Keep it direct and just attach your resume.
Good luck with the cold-emailing and calling though.
^ do you keep it vague and ask to learn about the firm (as in ops post)? or ask for info interview about person or cut to the chase and ask about internship opportunities?
Queen's?
most likely rotman commerce
He said "[Target Canadian School]."
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