A Thought On Anxiety

A thought after getting back from a 9-day Italy trip and then slacking off for most of the first day home as well: I’ve just now started fully getting back on track. I started a tiny, quick project - replacing a torn-off key tag on one of my property keychains. When I decide it’s finally time to get back on track and anxiety from larger projects hanging over my head motivates action, I try to snowball productivity. If the countertops need to be wiped down, I’ll do that. Make sure the surroundings are clear. Then do a little quick bullshit projects. Import a small pile of business cards lying on the desk into the database. Deal with an Amazon return. Read this pamphlet about something that might be a minor improvement but is probably bullshit that’s been sitting in this pile of papers. Answer an easy email. So anyway, I took on such a project with this keychain. I found myself doing so anxiously and fumbling with the keys; driven by some imaginary panic that if this task isn’t completed quickly enough - and by the way, it should have been completed already eons ago - the following, more important tasks - known and unknown - won’t be completed in time and subsequently, your company will crumble and your wife will leave you and every single person you know will call you up and tell you to pound sand and you will have to go become a surf instructor in Maui as a backup life but first learn to surf… and then you start to picture that backup life and think maybe that’s not such a bad alternative if you’re over here getting anxious over keychains.

But the thing is, I just spent a good two weeks solid fucking off. Don’t get me wrong - shit got done and nobody I deal with was impacted negatively. But I was playing exclusively defense. And light defense at that. And I stand here now and nothing has burned down. But I expect it to start burning at the precise moment I make it my focus? This is a stupid mental thing that can be overcome by talking oneself through it - “logicking through it”, as I call it in my head. But how does one achieve such a state of awareness as a default?