How different are you to your girlfriend / fiancée / wife?

bump

Unrelated but it seems Iike you might want to sit down and actually ask yourself if you guys
are headed in the same direction..

Does she support your goals? Like truly. Actions speak louder than words - remember that.

Does she encourage you to chase your dreams? Or does she provide easy excuses? When you’re tired, does she push you to keep going?

I’m going out on a limb here based on how you’re describing the relationship - and to be fair this isn’t a relationship advice platform, but as a fellow monkey happy to provide my two cents.

If you’re asking yourself these questions, imo you have some questions to ask about your relationship. I’m not advocating for a break up - don’t take strangers advice from the internet. But it seems to me like you might want to reflect a bit on the deeper side of your questions.

Hope this helps :)

My 2 cents... Married for quite some time before making a drastic career pivot from a regional, non-finance role to investment banking in NYC. 

You really just need a woman who understands and supports you. It’s also tempting to push your SO in a highly driven direction as well, and there may be resistance—but you can’t force it. As long as your SO has a solid foundation of intellectual curiosity and keeps themselves busy and reasonably educated, that is, honestly, good enough. This is different from trying to change their basic day-to-day behaviors or the little things that annoy you. In reality, you’d probably be happier if they had more time at home for errands, kids (if you decide to have them), etc.

1. We’re both first years into the workforce but I’m very Type A and she’s very Type B. 
Same. Type B. A million non-paying hobbies that she tries to do all at once. Jumps from one to the next. 

2. I care a lot about my career (long hours) while she's more relaxed about hers and doesn’t know what she wants to do. 
Same, although I try often to reinvigorate my spouse to seek 'more in life,' but I can't force it, and she'd likely just be fine being a great mother. She is already well-educated and has a good job now, but is not 'career-focused' or looking to climb the corporate ladder (which I don't blame her). She'd very much be happier at home knitting. 

3. I’m very extroverted, she doesn't really like meeting new people. 
Opposite - my wife is very much the talker with complete strangers 

4. Fitness and health are extremely important to me, she doesn’t prioritize those or gives me a lot of excuses about why she can’t stick to a routine. 
We’re on the same page here—a healthy lifestyle goes a long way, and we do many activities together (running, working out, obstacle races, hiking, etc.) when time permits, though there are some activities I do on my own and others she does independently.

5. She outsources a lot of her life to her parents e.g. managing her paycheck and investing on her behalf, and even though I’ve encouraged her to start tracking her money, I’m worried that she doesn’t have ownership over these kind of important things. 
Similar—but my wife outsources her responsibilities and finances to me. She was independent for quite some time before we met, so when we got together, the default became handing those things over to me. Granted, this can be a problem at times—I’ve pushed to give her more responsibility.

6. Politically and values-wise, we also don't hold the same opinions about most social issues and I can definitely see ideological challenges if we were to raise kids together. I’m starting to feel like her dad worrying about whether long term it’s going to work out, but I’m not sure if I’d be giving up the 80% to 20% if we broke up. She is very sweet and clearly shows she cares about the relationship a lot.
****RED FLAG. Tread carefully. Political and social values are extremely important. I wouldn't have tolerated my nearly decade marriage if we weren't aligned.****

Ideologically, my SO and I are 95% on the same page (some not-so-controversial topics, we differ on), and both of us are extremely objective and pragmatic on a variety of topics. This can be a massive dealbreaker if there’s potential misalignment here—especially when it comes to raising a family. Not to mention, if you’re not on the same page at home, you’ll inevitably interact with others at work or socially who are, which can create temptation to do something you shouldn’t. The last thing you want, especially when you’re tired or a Type A, highly driven person, is to come home to someone who is emotionally immature—whether the topic is household matters or mainstream news.

None of these actually concern me except for values. To a lesser extent, fitness and career focus differences can be bothersome, but so long as my wife is not letting herself go and is keeping herself reasonably intellectually stimulated while bringing in some cash, I am fine.

But values can be a deal breaker. I had my own doubts going into my marriage, but never have I doubted that we’re on the same page on the big picture stuff. That said we’d been together 7 years at marriage and talked through all that stuff.

Not saying it’s a dealbreaker but I would sit down and talk seriously about the points that concern you re: raising children, handling and spending money, religion, goals.

Best advice I got from my grandparents (happily married for over 60 years) is that your values (e.g., religion, children, finances, health, etc) are the foundation of the relationship. She’s doesn’t need to be the prettiest or funniest girl, but you should find someone who you agree on the big stuff with because when times get hard (which they inevitably will) you need to be on the same page.

Are you sure that you want another type A woman who will have her own goals and dreams and maybe not want to give them up for when you want kids?

Another type A woman won’t be as sweet & understanding especially in a high stress job.

Dyou want that trophy or dyou want to be that trophy? A lot of guys envisage “power couple” but the only way that I’ve seen it work is if the guy is ALOT wealthier or something (so you’re still back to square one), or the guy is less high strung and willing to not be the prima donna. And take some relationship hits.

And yes, if you’re not sure and not 100% into her then don’t waste her time. Just don’t regret it when you’re getting yelled at by a Type A girl for getting laid off or something a few years later

Don't chase a Type A girl if you are Type A yourself. 90% of the time, that doesn't end well if you play it back 20yrs later. You will both always be fighting for dominance in the relationship, that's a horribly unattractive trait for a woman (despite being attractive for a man)

On the fitness stuff -- I get it, I am married to an amazing women but we have different intensities on fitness. I'm working out 4x per week, she hasn't for a while but is trying to get back to 2-3x a week. It's alright as long as she maintains herself relatively well and does something it's ok. That's been a bit of a compromise but she's amazing in every other way. So not a biggie

If your values are different, then RUN. You want your son wearing a dress when he's 25? If so, go for it but you were warned (I literally know a guy who's in a relationship with a girl like this who is super lib -- he's delaying proposing because he knows it's not going to work out deep down)

In a relationship you’re not looking for a clone of yourself. I like to work and make money, I’m ambitious and I want to progress in my career but I’m not expecting my girlfriend to be the same.

I literally don’t give a fuck about her career and her money because what does it bring me? Money-wise I’ll make more than enough for the both of us. Ambition-wise it would actually be a detriment if she was so career focused because she’d have less time for me and our family.

What I care about is that she’s a genuinely nice, caring, loving and interesting person. I care that she brings joy in my day to day life and that I cannot wait to get home to see her after work. I care that she’s reliable, that I can trust her and that I want her to be the mother of my children.

Maybe I’m not understanding something but why would it ever be a turnoff that she’s doesn’t care about managing her investments?? Obviously you don’t want a couch potato that does nothing all day; that’s a turnoff. But doing something of your life doesn’t mean that it has to show up through career/money, and interesting person with hobbies is much more attractive than somebody super ambitious and career-focused.

Obviously everybody has its own thing, maybe an ambitious woman is your thing, but I’d carefully think about it. Maybe toure not doubting her because she’s ambitious; maybe you’re doubting her because she’s not that interesting, caring and loving partner?

80/20 isn't a good heuristic for anything where you get many shots on goal.  You should be chasing the last 20.  

Also, is she even 80%?  You've summarized her as sweet, not into fitness, and not particularly mature in terms of drive & responsibilities.  That doesn't sound like 80% covered to me.  But even if it is, chase the last 20%.

Here's an idea: talk to her.  Asking a bunch of assholes and trolls and asshole trolls on a blog isn't going to answer any of these questions for you.  

- troll asshole

Whoa. 

You described the situation I currently find myself in with regards to my current gf so accurately that I could have written this post myself. In fact, I've had these thoughts for a while but have never discussed with anyone, so I'm glad you made the post. To these thoughts I now give their first public airing. 

I'm going to throw down some comments here, but keep in mind that I am looking for answers as much as I seem to be providing them. 

First, by way of context, you describe my situation perfectly. I entered the relationship around a year ago, and it's been going well since, at least by all surface appearances. She's happy, I'm "happy". Recently I began to take notice of dissimilarities in our personalities and interests, and again, it aligns precisely with what you described. I'm more ambitious, driven, disciplined - I hold myself to high standards and hope others can assist me by doing the same. Yet she is caring and sweet and relaxed - yet this means that she often provides comfort instead of pressure. Sometimes I wish she'd help me stay disciplined instead of inadvertently undermining it.

Aside from this, my other big worry is that she - as a laid back, relaxed, easygoing person - lacks some of that intellectual intensity that I thrive around. I crave it. Nothing makes you realize that more than its absence. We resonate well at the level of conversation – just not SUPER well. And the problem I struggle with - this is the root of all problems is - do I settle with this, because it's honestly good enough, plus, who am I to demand too much? Exactly what you said re: losing the 80% to strive for the 20%. 

And then there are some smaller factors, eg., we don't share the same interests. I'm into certain activities that she never had much access to as a result of her upbringing, so it would be entirely unfair to blame her. Yet these factors still make it harder for us to enjoy our time together, so it cannot be ignored. But the one place where this does come to a boil is that whereas I maintain a fairly disciplined workout routine, to the degree that I can, she barely exercises. Part of the problem is that she is somehow able to stay really skinny and visually fit, despite the lack of exercise, which removes all impetus. I try to coax her to go to the gym. I've tried every line of appeal. She always has excuses at the ready. I've come to realize that people are the way they are, and trying to change them fundamentally is incredibly difficult, maybe futile. 

But here is where the thinking gets tricky.

You know how they say, don't head to where the puck is, head to where the puck is going? 

Right now, I may find myself dissatisfied at the fact that she doesn't have career ambition, is kind and caring but almost TOO much so (she is soft and empathetic with everyone - including herself) to the point where I think maybe some more, dare I say, masculine energy, some headstrong will and ambition, would do her good. Yet this is the double-edged sword. Yes - at this current point in my life, I'd like to see her be stronger, more ambitious, more resilient, gritty, etc (all masculine traits). Yet may there be a day when I would appreciate instead that feminine energy she gives? She certainly isn't ambitious, but isn't that a good thing down the line? Is this perhaps where the puck is going? I imagine in the future when I'm married, a few kids. She's agreed that she would be happy to raise kids, despite the sacrifice it comes with. But on the contrary, if I happened to get married to a woman with the alternative set of traits, then there will loom the serious question of who will take care of the kids, or even whether she is willing to have kids at all. This may present real problems.

Similarly, her caring and sweet feminine energy is appealing to me now - no doubt about it - but it may only become more appealing as my career ramps up. My job right now is intense, but only in terms of the hours. If I am one day, as I hope to be, in a role with high stakes and large responsibilities, I don't want to come home to another masculine presence, having to fight it out both at work and at home. Right now I wouldn't mind it - I find the masculine girls challenging, and hence interesting, I enjoy the fight sometimes. But now I am young and full of energy. There may come a day when I'm tired, work is killing me, and all I want is to come home to a sweet and caring woman who keeps all the kids in line. This is what I have. I might be stupid to give it up. 

And perhaps that is all I should be asking for. Honestly, seeing how messed up a lot of people are today, to have even this - "merely" this - might already be a blessing. If I demand to have someone who is simultaneously intense and intellectually engaging and ambitious, and also sweet and caring and willing and dedicated and willing to compromise on important life decisions, then I am setting expectations that almost no woman can fulfill. So by giving up what seems dissatisfying now, but in all respects is a great person, especially as my priorities may change in the future, I may be making a huge mistake. But who knows how the future will look like. Perhaps I am totally wrong in looking for someone who is a better fit, who will fulfill me - or perhaps I am totally right. What a situation to be in.

I'm trying to keep track of how my priorities will shift.

Right now, this is what I value most: someone who will contribute to my personal and intellectual growth; someone who will push me; someone who is viscerally passionate about something and is committed to a life project of her own - that is to say, has real interests. That's what gets me going. That's what all of my friends possess. That's the kind of person I admire and hope to become. 

But 10 years down the line, what if, as it seems will be the case, my values change drastically? What if what I value most is: someone who is stable and responsible; someone who will be a good mother to my kids; someone who is willing to make career tradeoffs to establish a flourishing domestic life; someone who is caring and supportive and willing to back me through hard times. 

And here's the kicker: these two types seem to exhibit some kind of reverse correlation. I could draw it out but I think a lot of it is largely intuitive. It is difficult to have someone who is, at the same time, driven yet soft/empathetic, ambitious yet home-oriented, interesting and passionate yet... stable. 

That last one is what really gets me. I want, above all, someone who is interesting in the ways I described above. Yet these types are also, for some reason, less likely to be reliable, stable, grounded. I like to think of it as higher risk-reward. You can take a higher position on the curve, but the tradeoff will always be there. You want higher reward? There's going to be higher volatility. It is an age-old fallacy to think that you can have both. We, on this forum, of all people, ought to know this best. Yet there are always those who insist - and they may be right in doing so - that alpha can be had. 

So that's what this question really comes down to. Should I go chase alpha? And if I do so, will I end up among the Bill Ackmans or the Bill Hwangs? 

@GEBanker - No relationship is ever 100% perfect. Every partnership involves trade-offs, and based on what you’ve shared, this sounds more like a blessing than a problem. Open and honest communication is essential. Counseling can be a healthy tool—not a taboo—and it can be helpful to explore together. What matters most is being clear and vocal about each other’s desires, ambitions, and the pros and cons on both sides. Having these conversations early is always better than postponing them and building up talking points or thoughts in your head - this is where emotional maturity comes into play. Both of you are adults and if the other individual can't deal with it, revisit it again another time, but make clear the importance of the topic. 

When I first met my girlfriend (now my wife), it was during a period when my career was less demanding than it later became in IB. We traveled a lot and enjoyed that phase of life, but I was intentional about being clear from the very beginning—about my boundaries (aka even traveling overseas for leisure on my own), my long-term goals, and the fact that things would eventually become more serious and demanding. The lifestyle at that moment wasn’t permanent, but the long-term payoff was worth it. What held things together was... open communication and intellectual curiosity (not career drive), but someone whose constantly willing to learn, whether it be new topics, hobbies, skills, etc. 

At the end of the day, communication really is the foundation of everything.

Dating & preparing to propose, here’s where my GF and I stand:

- Money topics: both of us are investors, we limit our expenses to a handful of hobbies and she’s great with her money, as am I with mine.

- Politics: we agree on the large items but might disagree on some of the other smaller details, or we disagree on why we believe something. Overall no political arguments but to be fair, we don’t make a habit of talking politics.

- Values: both of us are Christian and Jesus is #1 in our lives; we derive our values from our faith so we’re on the same page.

- Lifestyle: she’s in the gym 5x a week plus cardio, I’m never there. Though, her hours are half what mine are. I used to be a prof athlete so with more time I’d be right there with her.

Where we disagree is on handling conflict but that is being worked on. We’re unicorns for each other and it’s worked great, albeit with major setbacks.

One area that should be a non-negotiable is religion (or the foundation of values for you and your partner.) When crap hits the fan you’re going to cling to a lifeboat that is made of what is the most important thing to you, make sure it’s the same lifeboat.