Is it okay to be happy?

at the end of the day the goal in life is to be happy, whatever is going to get you as close to that as possible is what you should choose. I get what your coming from with the being seen as weak, but at the end its better to be happy than it is to be feeling like a prisoner for sake of being viewed a certain way.

I’d say your health is better than how you are perceived…but I don’t abide by that often.

No one is going to think you're weak for going down that path. First of all, no one is going to think of you either way, regardless. I don't mean that as an insult either - it is simply a reality that so many people think that others are thinking about and judging them when in reality they don't even come up. Blame it on social media making us all self important or something. We'll all be forgotten in a few generations. We are all irrelevant to society at large. 

Second, the people who actually won't forget you are your girlfriend, your friends, your family, and if you're lucky, your kids. The time you spend with them does matter, and it matters even more if that time is quality. 

Let me tell you some real shit here. My dad busted his ass his entire life and achieved all sorts of success, but was never home. He turned to alcohol to cope with anxiety and depression because men don't get actual mental health help. He ruined two marriages as a result and didn't really have a relationship with his kids for the past ten years. A few weeks back, three days before his birthday and a week before he became a grandpa for the first time, he died, alone, from alcoholism. No one talked about how he petitioned the school when he was in college to take more credits than he was allowed because he was an overachiever. No one talked about his various masters degrees. No one talked about his ascent through corporate America. We talked about how much of a waste it was, how much we wished he would have been around more, how much we wish he would have accepted help, and how disappointing it is that now there will not be any making up for that time lost. 

Talk to a professional about your mental health and find a job that lets you work to live, not live to work. When your kids are 36 like I am, they'll thank you for it. 

OP I'd say you are pretty naive for thinking you lack ambition for going to a tier 3 mid-sized city. Frankly, it sounds like your lack of real world experience has given you tunnel vision into what ambition and success can only look like (a top job at a top firm on Wall Street).
 

Cities like Detroit and KC are PLENTY big enough to have opportunities to grow and lead a very fulfilling career. Even better, those cities are small enough where you can gather influence pretty rapidly, but still large enough where you can push for change in areas you see fit. You can really integrate yourself into those communities and probably be more fulfilled seeing your work translate to the benefit of those around you. Join business organizations, start up mentor groups, chamber of commerce, etc. If you know what you want and are willing to go after it you can make great progress in those types of markets

yes

/endthread

RJRDabisco

I have a girlfriend and a job offer in a tier 3 city (Kansas city, detroit, etc) At a LMM credit fund. After these past few months I’ve felt it hard, and I’ve been getting severe panic attacks.

I love my job but I know it’s unsustainable. I don’t want to leave but I know that I can be genuinely happy, but I’m afraid by choosing happiness over ambition i will be seen as weak.

I want to make the move but my head is telling me it’s the wrong choice, can the older folks give me some advice?

You have a job offer at a LMM credit fund. What is your current job?

My advice is to bet on yourself, make the move, and the choice to be happy or at least give yourself a real opportunity for it. Nothing is guaranteed, but it sounds like staying put largely guarantees a situation that will make you unhappy, or at least significantly less happy, than taking the chance. It took longer than I'd have liked, but I think choosing to be happy is one of the most impactful, and important, choices you can make. 

External validation, over the long run, only goes so far - no one else lives your life. You do. Day in and day out. You can, and should, be both happy and ambitious. They aren't mutually exclusive, and candidly, I've gotten far more career wise and life wise being happy, optimistic, up beat, etc. than being stressed out, dour, or otherwise prioritizing nothing but 'ambition' in however you want to define it. I also think we have a tendency to define ambition, in the US at least, as it relates to work. I think it's highly ambitious to raise children, to create a new life for yourself, to pursue hobbies, give back to the community, volunteer, commit yourself to a significant other. I think that true strength is defining what you value, and pursuing it - damn what anyone else says. 

I made a similar decision a few years ago, moving across the country to support my S/O - a decision that, if I'm being candid, I had similar anxieties about. In the end, it was an excruciating amount of anxiety, worry, and concern that ended up not materializing (as so often it doesn't). I was fortunate in that everyone in my firm was supportive, I was able to make the move seamlessly, and it turned out to be one of the best decisions I've made in my life. You know your situation better than any of us do, but trust yourself to make the right choice. 

No it's not ok to be happy. Wtf kind of answer did you expect?

No job is worth your mental health. It's ok to do something else

Do you work to live or live to work?

agree with all that has been said about others not caring nearly. from a practical standpoint, competition only gets tougher as you move up in a career path. if this is how work makes you feel at this point, it is only going to hinder your development going forward. think 10 years ahead. it sounds like you may be better served figuring out a path that you can enjoy exceling in and the sooner you can focus your energy there the better. 

One of the biggest contributors to unhappiness amongst humans is unfortunately our innate need to compare ourselves to others. Think about what causes most people stress - it's often financial or personal, and often related to someone else having something that you don't.

• That person is getting paid more than me
• My friends or colleagues are advancing faster than me and it makes me a failure
• Will my friends or family look down on me because my job is less prestigous?
• Will I be judged based on the city that I live in (Tier 3 lol - this is just unfortunate to read that it is causing you stress about the tier of city you live in).
• That couple is having better sex
• They are travelling more, I wish I could do so

The list goes on. One of the benefits of growing older is that you care less about what other people think. I'm not saying you need to detach yourself from humanity; it's unreasonable and frankly unhealthy because we are fundamentally social creatures that derive health and happiness from being around others. But what's even more unhealthy is to attach your own personal happiness and self worth to what others think of you. As others have stated above, they simply aren't.

It's your life, live it through your own eyes, not looking through someone else's.

No. It isn’t okay to be happy

I think it all hinges on the gf. I mean she’s not your wife, so there’s a decent chance you could break up and be stuck in the random mid-west city. But if she is hot and rich and loyal, I would take the gamble.

Are you saying your gf is also in the t3 city where you got your job, or you have a gf where you are now but got a job in the t3 city?

I sometimes feel this way as well. Everyone’s kind of different but only you know what’s best for you, not anyone else, but some good advice from some of the above comments 

I am curious why going to a t3 city would increase one’s happiness as it may be less interesting and more lonely - quite common for people moving to new places in general that aren’t big coastal/urban cities, and people’s personalities may be different than what you’ve seen if you spent a lot of time in places like nyc/sf/la

How is Detroit considered tier 3

Nothing wrong w being from a flyover state. I’m from Charlotte and had a great time there prior to moving out to New York. Each city has its own unique characteristics.