When to move-in together
Follow monkeys, I am starting at a BB in Houston this summer, have been dating my gf for 3+ years and she would really like us to move-in together after graduating.
I want to live together as well, and would if I was in a 9 to 5 job, but I worry about making that adjustment while simulateneously climbing the steep learning curve of the job, on-cycle PE, etc.
Any thoughts? Will living together be better or worse for our relationship? How will living together effect work?
Comments (74)
Im gonna move in with my gf after 3 days if we both do finance - "wow look what we can afford, it has a bar and gym in the building"
to be honest, 2bds are almost 2x of 1bds. so you alone can afford similar to what you together will afford.
I'm moving in with my gf and looks like I'll end up paying more while paying just half than what I pay now living by myself, without improving the standard of living (will probably be worse cause now I have an awesome place in a building without too many amenities, but now we're looking at places in worse neighborhoods but in buildings with more amenities).
Yeah that's what I talk to people there about is if I land an ib analyst job I can just live alone until I get gf then get a nice place w her eat at good restaurants. If I have a filler job just to get me there so I can meet more people in finance I will have the roommates for a bit. (But yeah makes sense what you said)
1. Be wary of laws regarding moving into together if you guys break up in your state. Look up "Palimony."
2. I would never do a live in relationship in my 20s lol. Your 30s are gonna come sooner than you think. Don't give up your freedom so easily.
you can live together with somebody in your 20s while you don't have time and money (cause you're working long hours and saving) and have convenient access to sex. then get your own place in your 30s when you have time and money to go out and hook up with many chicks.
I'm not sure I would waste the girls time if she is looking for cohabitation level of commitment.
Never!!
Unless you're ready to propose soon - DONT DO IT
Jesus, based on your post you dated the same girl you're entire college career and now want to move in?
I would do it if she is rich and hot and fun. And you're the opposite - poor family / ugly or fat / introvert.
If not the above, forget moving in. I would ask to take a break. Don't be one of those losers that marries their college sweetheart and then when she dumps you after 10 years of marriage and kids, you're like I don't know where it went wrong. It went wrong cause you never dated anyone as an adult, that's when.
Terrible advice.
Not the "don't move in" part (agree, bad idea). But the rest of it is awful.
Over thousands of years of human history, completely separate cultures and societies all managed to individually develop their own systems of marriage which were typically performed extremely early on (i.e. not after 8 years of "talking" and "dating"), was truly permanent and, for most, monogamous. It stayed that way for so long because it worked. In no more than 50 years, we've managed to eradicate that entire system and, guess what? People are at record levels of discontent and unhappiness with their dating lives. Try putting 2 and 2 together.
What I'm saying is there's absolutely nothing wrong with someone staying with someone they met before you were an adult / when you were in college. In fact, they're probably one of the lucky ones.
OP, I wouldn't move in with her for a couple of years (speaking from experience, don't rush it) but take no notice of anything else this fellow said.
OP, beware of advice like this that invokes the "olden times". It's the same logic trump "Christians" use.
They like to romanticize history and argue modern civilization is evil and eroding the strong moral environment of the past.
He spouts stuff like people back then people did not have long courtship periods and were monogamous.
He of course purposely doesn't mention that life spans were much shorter, just because people back then didn't get officially divorced doesn't mean the marriage was successful or affairs were not prevalent, and before the advent of technology most people really were beholden to organized religion because so much of the world was unknown and unexplainable.
He then cries that people are at record levels of discontent. Purposely failing to mention that in today's society the poor and downtrodden have more of a voice and platform than ever, and the power of the internet gives everyone access to education, knowledge and an outlet for their fears.
H is trying to argue that in the past marriages were more successful and people were happier. Imagine his intelligence and logic, he believes people were happier in the past lol. When the Aztecs killed humans to appease the twin gods, or when people had to explain natural disasters through story telling, or when citizens were burned at the stake in Salem because they were witches, when people only lives to 35 because healthcare was non existent, when in Ancient Greece any person porn with a disabilities was cast aside and killed, etc.
Always be wary of people who invoke the past and try to argue life was better then. I always find these types of people tend to invoke religion or argue that current society is evil, like they actually lived in the past and have any idea what it's like.
He may be bitter about his dating career. He may be one of those religious zealots we are seeing more and more since the rise of Trump. He may actually be arguing in good faith and I'm being too harsh, but it gives me cognitive dissonance when someone tries to argue the past was better. To me, it's painfully obvious this state of human society is so much better than the past, that anyone who argues differently has some agenda.
Your brain doesn't stop developing until you're 25, meaning you are still discovering who you are. You change wildly as a person from the ages of 18 to 25, year a 7 year gap in the future, like ages 33 to 40, you kind of are who you are.
So like I said, if she's way out of your league or you're honest enough with yourself that you're no catch, fine settle down early and don't experience other women or relationships.
But if you're decent looking and intelligent and have self esteem, what's wrong with dating when you're young?
People like OP would say something like the WW2 was the greatest generation and look how young people got married and how strong the American family system was back then. They will never mentioned there was a world war where men would likely die and have to rush marriage, or that affairs were just as common then as they have always been, or how there was a whole race of people treated like crap back then.
Just my two cents, beware of people who invoke the past as a detriment to the here and now. Unless of course you're into this new trump environment and like espousing about how awesome the past was, then his words will ring true to you.
One last point, compare all the people who marry young and have kids young vs those who wait. Whose the more successful and intelligent group in your experience?
Or maybe for thousands of years, divorce was basically impossible and two people would just be forced to live miserably together?
Also did you forget to mention how prevalent child marriage and abuse were back then?
Agree with your point on being open to move-in together, but gotta remember that correlation does not equal causation
True but would caveat with A. most people didn't even live past 40 back then and B. no one had access to technology which provides unlimited dating options
I mean men of status and wealth had multiple wives or mistresses through most of history in most cultures particularly after the accumulation of wealth became a phenomenon. What do you make of that ? Romantic marriage wasn't even a thing until the last couple 100 years. Men weren't even present for the birth of their child or raising their kids until the last 60. I mean it's all a recent social construct ultimately. Do whatever you want
College is a great time to meet a girl, especially if she is out of your league, since the real world hasn't hit yet. That being said, I've heard the same sentiment amongst people who married later that all the good girls get taken by their 30s.
There are no leagues only mindsets
Nothing better than dating advice from a bunch of monkeys who've never touched a female
Pizzie has
Ok intern
"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee
My (now) wife and I dated through college and made the conscious decision to not live together after graduating (but were in close proximity). Might be biased, but I'm personally really glad that we did that. 1) from an independence perspective and allowing both of us to grow as individuals and forming more of our own friendships vs. doing basically everything together, 2) it definitely helped preserve our relationship while I was going through the early brutal years of IB - since we both had our own roommates, there was less of a feeling that me blowing up plans because of work would leave her high and dry.
I mean look at the end of the day you know what's best for your relationship - you also mentioned Houston and in the South it's definitely more of a cultural norm to settle down earlier right (not sure if you're from there or not - if you're both relocating to a new city that also changes things), and you also didn't mention what her career path and if she's somebody who "gets it" or not.
Most of these responses are about moving in together as a whole, but based on your post, you're ready to move in but worried about balancing that with your new job. My best advice is to move into a two bedroom where one of those bedrooms is designated as your office. Assuming you're making more than her, you can pay for a disproportionate amount of the rent and basically have your own room for work. Definitely something you can afford in Houston.
Overall the answer would be don't do it just yet. The transition from college to the real world is unique, and it takes some time to really settle in and get used the new chapter. It would be better to wait and see how you guys fair in Houston, with your new jobs, new friends there etc. Once you sort all of that out then it would be appropriate to move in together. The only positive of moving in now would be you don't have to go out of your way after a long day of work to hangout with her, she would just be waiting at home. I was also dating my college gf 3+ years (now my wife) and we waited 1.5 years to move in together after college. I really think it produces the best outcome. With all the change during that period of your life, it would be bad if you guys broke up and had to figure out the lease/living situation.
Move in together after you're married. I've broken this rule before and it was a RPITA.
"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee
> sudo:. Password: A2D. Enter the chat. Moving in together beforehand can be a great way to actually get to get know each other. Living together was how I knew that girl was going to be the RPITA going forward if we did get married.
Edit: Need to add that RPITA is a wonderful acronym. Definitely going to add it to my arsenal.
Well, also moving in together before marriage is against my religion. If I were to propose to a girl, by my religion we would have to live separately and go through 6 months of counseling.
"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee
This is very valuable advice. If I were OP, I would not move in right out of UG unless I am looking to get married young (nothing wrong with this), but I would definitely look to live together prior to marriage.
I think a lot of people here think of moving in as a commitment or step towards marriage and family. I personally think of it as convenience. when you get a boner, you can just go to the next room and play with your girl. and if you live separately, you have to constantly spend time and money on going to each other.
I'm moving with my gf of 3+ years right now. and it's mainly for above mentioned convenience and because I'm trying to save money and don't wanna wine and dine random girls. dating is expensive. it's better to be in a relationship if you wanna save money. but when I have money, I'll move out and date chicks.
Creep
that's a great song
I read how couples who live together before marriage are more likely to break up?
Have to vet the source but that has made me less open to living with a partner for the sake of long run success.
I'd say your lack of critical thinking is a significantly bigger threat to "long term success" than living with your partner before getting married.
Clearly put disclaimer that I haven't DD'ed a random stat I came across and you attack my critical thinking out of the blue?
"VP in PE." Might want to reflect why your fund is so shit that you have bandwidth to reply to a misc thread on a Tuesday morning & why your life is so miserable you feel the need to throw lowball shots at internet randoms.
Only way to find out is to do it. If it works, great. If not, it was never meant to be. It's far too dependent on personalities and individual circumstances to give any meaningful advice on an anonymous Internet forum.
The amount of overthinking going on here is crazy.
I don't think anyone should be taking relationship advice from this website in particular...
Agree.
I don't have too much to add. A friend of mine lived with his GF. Good luck breaking up when you have your names on a lease. That became an outer layer of hell. That damage deposit was long gone!
I knew a woman who moved in with a bf. One day she came home and all the valuable stuff, cash, and what not was gone. Their joint checking was drained. She called the police and was told, "What do you want us to do, this is a civil matter. You two live together so good luck convincing a judge what was and wasn't communal property."
Array
Thoughts? Move in together once you get married, which should be soon.
I would give it a year, working life is very different than college life and will test your relationship in a different way than you have been used to in the past 3-years.
I've always been told to 'wait until the honeymoon period is over'. For some, that's 6 months, others can be more than a year. A new relationship is fun and exciting, but it can cloud judgement. I would wait until I am 100% certain it's the right move, and then wait an additional month or two.
I have to comment on waiting until after marriage to move in together - IMO, recipe for disaster. It's relatively easy to split-up while renting together versus a divorce because you presumed you would be able to live under the same roof. You learn so much about a person when you live together, specifically, what you can and cannot tolerate.
Lastly, if you're going to buy together instead of rent (not necessarily ideal), be CERTAIN to match assets and liabilities. If your s/o is on the deed, they better be on the mortgage as well.
I don't get this position at all. In the West, until the last 40 years, we had short dating periods and few people lived together before marriage, yet we had much lower divorce rates. You're just putting forth the "wisdom" of the world, which is obviously wrong. If divorce rates aren't good enough evidence, look at all of the surveys that show how much less happy people are today, especially women, compared to the 1970s and before.
Correlation ≠ causation - the world is a lot different than it was 40 years ago, especially considering our increased acceptance of divorce AND access to divorce attorneys/ financial independence. It's also worth mentioning that few married women worked then, and that figure has since more than doubled (about 65%). What 1960's homemaker is going to get divorced with 3 kids and low prospects of being able to keep up her QOL?
To me, it makes sense to test if you can live with someone before making arguably the biggest decision of your life, but to each their own.
I could never and I honestly don't care how long I've been dating my SO. I enjoy my solitude way too much to be constantly with the same person 24/7. It will eventually start to bore me and that's when you two will face each other's demons. Obviously, this might change but as of right now, hell no.
Put a ring on it ya big ol P****
One of my former best friends turned down Imperial College London to live in with his gf at Uni of Brum. He got more and more addicted/ absorbed to that and we've since grown apart. We were hanging out at Spoons and talked about stuff we do - clubs, societies, recruiting, activities etc. When it was his turn he went 'I don't do that shit anymore, now that I've found the love/ purpose of my life.'
Hahahaha that's crazy. Ngl noticed the same sentiment with people I know from home. Pretty much all the ones who are in long term relationships got into that settle down mindset and lost all their motivation and fell off super hard in terms of their career.
haha yeah. Interesting to see that it's not just a singular observation from my end. What we don't know is whether these people 'fell off' due to the exogenous shock (long term live in rs way too early on - 18 in this guy's case, moved in at 19), or whether their potential and world-view were that constricted to begin with
When the swiss regulators twist your arm
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