Would you want your wife to take on your last name?

I was having a casual conversation with my current GF and some of her friends on their thoughts on marriage and the topic came up on whether or not they would take on a potential husband's last name. Every single one said she would never do it as it is an outdated tradition and would want to remain their own independent self. Personally, I had always thought it would be nice to have my potential wife take on my last name in order to be one cohesive family unit, but I had never really thought about it until they brought it up. 

I'm not looking to marry this girl (or any for that matter) anytime soon (25 here), more-so just curious on what everyone's philosophy on this is? On one hand, it doesn't seem like like that big of a deal, especially in the case of career women or those with special family situations, but I do find it funny how this particular tradition seems to have been more or less abandoned by our generation, and something as seemingly simple as changing a last name is made out to be such a big deal but yet the man is still expected to spend a certain amount on an engagement ring or make other traditional relationship-related sacrifices. 

Region
 

Know a VP whose wife didn't take his and he was OK with it. She was actually pretty vocal about correcting people who tried to call her by his last name.

 

I have to believe she married him for the money if she was embarrassed to even be publicly associated with him (her vehemently trying to correct others regarding her name). 

Array
 

I am more old-fashioned than many my age. I wouldn't ask a partner to take my surname, but I would like it very much if she wanted to.

It's a sort of circular loop. Obviously a woman is her own person with her own identity and background that's completely equal in value to mine, so demanding that she give hers up is illogical. The man's last name isn't automatically the right answer.

I've worked hard to make my name something, not in terms of publicity, but rather values or mindset. If a woman sees that on her own and appreciates it or identifies with it strongly enough to choose my name voluntarily, that would be gratifying and attractive to me. It indicates a symmetry of character (values) and thinking (mindset), which I've found to be remarkably rare and therefore invaluable.

I am permanently behind on PMs, it's not personal.
 
Username_TBU

What if your partner also worked hard to "make their name something in values and mindset?" Then should she change it? Should you take hers? Not actually advocating for that, just food for thought

I would be grateful to meet someone with a similar mindset and feel fortunate to find a compatible partner. The only conversation I'd raise about names would be about the kids'.

It's illogical to say "Because I work hard for the benefit of my future family, you have to sacrifice your last name", because a partner (in my case, a wife) can work just as hard (not everything can be measured in financial contribution) or earn as much or more. I recognize that, and I believe addressed it in my comment.

My comment was less prescriptive and more unique to me. Like "I am proud of what you've worked so hard to achieve, and joining you in that where people immediately know from my name I am with you feels special." I had that once, and while I chose not to progress to a marriage in that relationship, it was very meaningful to me.

I am permanently behind on PMs, it's not personal.
 
HelloWorld47

Every single one said she would never do it as it is an outdated tradition and would want to remain their own independent self.

At least they admitted they don't believe in marriage and are looking for an easy out should they actually go through with it. Also pretty obvious they don't want kids either, so another easy flag to pass on them and avoid that debacle when that comes up.

Gotta give them credit that they let men know ahead of time they just want a smash and pass.

The poster formerly known as theAudiophile. Just turned up to 11, like the stereo.
 

They didn't say they didn't believe in marriage, just taking on the last name. Although I will admit that I have a hard time believing someone was truly committed and a genuine/quality life partner if it would be so appalling to consider it. Adds one less aspect of "skin in the game" in a society that seems to value the bond less and less. Issue is that as far as I can tell this is the current norm for the younger generations.

 

The problem with feminists is it’s not that simple. They want all the benefits of having a man while making 0 sacrifices. You better believe if a divorce happens the man is getting taken out to the cleaners irregardless of the fairness regarding how hard he worked to get the money, or the reason for divorce. Oh and you’ll need to pay up for a ring, every single vacation, meal and luxury gift that the woman wants but if you have even a simple request such as taking a last name? Now you’re part of the patriarchy.

Array
 

Yeah if a girl is straightforward that she doesn't want it, then you know it's a pump and dump & you can move on. Honestly this is not a bad outcome as you now know where the relationship is going (or rather where it isn't) 

 
Most Helpful

Mine did, it was a deal breaker.

Gentlemen.  You really don't want to be in a marriage and raise kids without a wife with your last name.  You as men have so much at stake, to protect your wife, look after he best interests and be head of the household, even if you aren't the breadwinner.  If she doesn't agree to this, she might not be the woman to want to be with someone long term.

Plus, with kids, imagine your wife not having their last name?  Now caveat is I know professional women who keep their last name for work, doctors, etc. BUT, when it comes to family they are Mrs.. so and so.

-There is always the funny anecdote where women don't want to take a "man's" last name, but they want to keep their father's last name.

 

Yep. When things are comfortable and easy in a relationship it's easy to call it 'an outdated tradition' or that 'we are equal partners' in this relationship or some BS. Let them believe that if they want, but as a man you have to know it isnt true. If when chaos happens and you turn to her in that situation you will lose respect, trust, and your family. 

As the male in a marriage you are the rock. Someone is getting sick and dying? You are the support base. There is some external danger? You are the protector. Both of you lose your jobs? You have to find the way to provide. That is your role. New age feminists try to have their cake and eat it too. But why as a man should you be willing to commit your life to your partner and your offspring if they arent even willing to commit their last name?

 

Lmao bro are you aware that some people's ideal relationship is different from your own? I don't understand the "traditional man's" insatiable desire to define other people's relationships/needs within the mold of his own. 

 

I think the point is these, for the most part, are more traditional views. Men have so much at stake, but women don't have as much at stake? Why is that? What do men have at stake that women don't (taking away money since you said the woman could be the breadwinner). You could argue that it is the opposite - if the marriage doesn't work out, many men get a second, better shot, at marriage. From a societal view, men tend to become more attractive as they age (physically, emotionally and usually financially), whereas a divorced woman over 40 has it much much harder.

How are men protecting their wives in ways that the woman is not doing the same? I honestly haven't been in a physical fight since I was 11, so this hasn't come in to play for me.

 

Being a man in a relationship is like being enclosed in the 'break in case of an emergency' glass box. No, you arent going to be getting in fights every year. But when shit goes south - and it will over the course of the relationship - you are the one that needs to lead through it

 

My husband and I took each other’s last names—combined them together. Our marriage is equal on every respect and I could not be more madly in love and devoted to him after being together for 6 years. Nor he to me. 

 

Most of the girls I have dated wanted my last name.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee
 
[Comment removed by mod team]
 
[Comment removed by mod team]
 
[Comment removed by mod team]
 

Bruvver Hmmmmm.... Maybe because, in the event that one partner does indeed take the other partner’s last name, it is 99.99% done the way of the women taking the man’s.... But ya go ahead and argue something that <0.01% of the population does to push your poor position. 
(In response to your reply, him saying "she's mine" is quite insecure yes haha; however, flipping the argument does not work when it's against 99.99% of common practice). 

There is more than one way to get there. I'd rather have 30 chapters than 3000 pages.
 

Based and trad-pilled

"The obedient always think of themselves as virtuous rather than cowardly" - Robert A. Wilson | "If you don't have any enemies in life you have never stood up for anything" - Winston Churchill | "It's a testament to the sheer belligerence of the profession that people would rather argue about the 'risk-adjusted returns' of using inferior tooth cleaning methods." - kellycriterion
 

Agree with you 100%. Too bad those commenting were feed with the feminist bullshit. No surprise that the current western world is also one where most men are sexless and virgins in their 30s.

 

Well testosterone has been declining in Western men for decades now...along with declining fertility...surprise surprise when you get boys who never grow up to be men

 
Arroz con PolloLook at cultures that stress traditional roles. Indians, Asians, and Africans are so successful in America because they value education and traditional family values."

So successful? I would like to see some facts because last time I checked all these minorities (including latinos who also "value"  these traditional family values) are not doing very well

 

I am not married and there is a chance I might never be.
Had this discussion with various gfs, and the result was about 50-50. Half of them would want to change their family name, the other half would prefer to keep their own.

Personally, I wouldn't want my future wife to take my last name. Not because of some feminist theory or anything. My last name is mine and belongs to me, I don't want to give it to anyone else - I own it just like I own other things in my life.

Also, coming from a family with a lot of medical doctors, scientists and researchers - in many cases the women kept their own name also.

 

For all my people saying women who don't change their last name aren't marriage material, my parents marriage of 30+ years would like a word. But in all seriousness, I don't see this as a dealbreaker. It would be nice but its not a huge deal, especially when you are at the point in a relationship where both of you are considering spending the rest of your lives together. 

 

I think its the fact that most women doing this right now dont have good reason, they want to be "independent" of there husbands. Newsflash you should both be able to depend on each other if you are married neither of you should really strive to be "independent" of the other. 

 

If you are equally dependent on each other (which, hopefully those getting married will be), why would one party change their name based on the party's gender? I feel like there is a breakdown of logic here...

 
HelloWorld47

I was having a casual conversation with my current GF and some of her friends on their thoughts on marriage and the topic came up on whether or not they would take on a potential husband's last name. Every single one said she would never do it as it is an outdated tradition and would want to remain their own independent self. Personally, I had always thought it would be nice to have my potential wife take on my last name in order to be one cohesive family unit, but I had never really thought about it until they brought it up. 

I'm not looking to marry this girl (or any for that matter) anytime soon (25 here), more-so just curious on what everyone's philosophy on this is? On one hand, it doesn't seem like like that big of a deal, especially in the case of career women or those with special family situations, but I do find it funny how this particular tradition seems to have been more or less abandoned by our generation, and something as seemingly simple as changing a last name is made out to be such a big deal but yet the man is still expected to spend a certain amount on an engagement ring or make other traditional relationship-related sacrifices. 

God brainwashed liberals are the worst

So they dont want to take a mans name, they choose to keep .... their fathers name?

What will your kids be called? At the end of the day the male is responsible for the wellbeing of the family. Doesnt mean he has to earn the most, but when shit goes south it will be your head on the chopping block. That can mean financially, that can mean danger (what happens if your house is on fire), that can mean physically (if you are confronted with a mugger) - the least she can do is take your last name and become one family unit.

 

The least she can do is take your last name? That's the support you're looking for in all of those scenarios? Also, where do you live and what are you doing? You care about your wife changing her last name (yes hers, not her father's - it's what she was given at birth) in case of a fire or a mugging?!

Also this financial stuff keeps getting brought up. What if she's also financially supportive? What if she comes in with a trust fund?

 
MonkeyNoise

God brainwashed liberals are the worst

Better than thoughtless conservatives!

So they dont want to take a mans name, they choose to keep .... their fathers name?

No, it's their name.  You know, the name they've been known by their whole life, the one that's part of their identity, the one they've (perhaps) built a life and a career around?

What will your kids be called? At the end of the day the male is responsible for the wellbeing of the family.

Not always.  And you're touching on the justification for all of this without realizing it.  When women had no earning power and were reliant on their husband for literal sustenance, they took their husband's name.  They lost their own identity and had to forge a new one as an appurtance to their husband.

Doesnt mean he has to earn the most, but when shit goes south it will be your head on the chopping block. That can mean financially, that can mean danger (what happens if your house is on fire), that can mean physically (if you are confronted with a mugger) - the least she can do is take your last name and become one family unit.

How does not taking your last name make you less of a family unit?  Anyone who is putting this much stock into the appearance of being a family is going to be completely incapable of actually forging a family unit.

What you want is a bunch of dependents you can order around, not a family.

 

I'm old, compared to college kids, I'm based in NYC, where I grew up(a liberal bastion)

Taking the husbands last name is the norm here too. Only on a handful of occasions has it not been the case.  I'm old enough to see that women use this as a shit test or virtue signaling to their friends in their early 20s. To use modern "red pill" lingo.