Do you have jealous/resentful family members?
Like the title says, what is your family like?
For background I thought WFH would be a great time to reconnect with family. So I moved back in and it has become increasingly apparent that a lot of my family members resent my success. I went to an ivy and have had good jobs and work experience in IB and PE. However, I'm really nothing special in comparison to many of the people I work with which makes it that much more depressing. Anyway I'm sick of it and I'm looking for apartments(now that the city is opening back up) and ready to throw myself into work. Anyway I'm sometimes I feel like family is over rated. I would cut them off, but they're family so unfortunately I still have to see them at family events sometimes. Not all of them are bad, I love my mom and a few others, but overall Biggie was right "Mo Money Mo Problems"
i know how you feel. have a jealous brother who resents me because of how much more I make than him and how much better my life seems to be (despite working my ass off to get my job and not slacking off like him). Sometimes I wish he wasn’t family, but you can’t really choose. I like to think of family as your group. there’s always that one guy no one wants to be staffed with as he just sucks, but you’re stuck with them every now and then.
You're right I think I've just been overloaded with family recently
My family was more concerned with my mental and physical well-being during the scarce times I was ever home during banking, looking gaunt and exhausted while having to excuse myself from holiday dinners to turn MD comments. If your family is resentful of your success, you're probably flaunting it like an asshole.
I do that exact opposite I try to never talk about money and when they ask me about my salary I way understate it or just say six figures
I'm probably the least flashy in my family. A lot of people have expensive cars and clothes they can't afford. While they live in BS apartments in shitty neighborhoods. I have neither(but I did have a pretty nice apt in a nice neighborhood for a while) and save my money instead, but they view me as the asshole.
I am the jealous and resentful family member
Why? Be happy people around you are successful, if you aren't an asshole maybe they will get you a job or lend you some money.
I'm jealous of my mother and her career, if that counts? Still love my momma though.
It's fine if you're jealous as long as you aren't a resentful dick about it.
I'm jealous of my uncle who's a COO of a bank, but I'm also happy for him and I know that he worked hard for many years to achieve that. So yea I can relate I love my uncle but I'm jealous.
I started this thread more to say I just don't feel the love from a lot of people in my family.
Lol of course not, I'm extremely grateful because if I didn't have her in my life, it would be a total 180.
I'm quasi-joking since she makes the big bucks doing what she loves. And I want to do that one day.
They have no idea what the fuck i'm doing. They don't think I'm paid enough to work long the hours I worked in my first two years.
If you're like me and come from a low income or lower middle class family, this isn't uncommon at all. I've also gotten a bit of it from old friends when visiting home.
All in all, you put it right, you can't choose family. It sort of sucks but you have to learn to just brush it off. Eventually they'll get over it, or your relationship will get to a point where you can discuss it with them one on one, at which point they'll likely change their tune. If not, the relationship will likely fizzle off and that'll be on them, assuming you weren't a pretentious a**hole along the way.
I made the mistake of sharing the amount of my first year bonus ($10k) with some extended family when i was visiting home... One of my uncles told his wife and almost immediately it was like I was Mr. Monopoly.. The funny thing is that they asked me, I didn't openly share it, and it wasn't that much considering street bonuses. At the time I was still all in under IB or PE or anything overly prestigious, which I point out to illuminate that it doesn't take much to make people resentful. Nowadays I don't really share comp and if I have to, just way understate it
At the end of the day, regardless of how hard you've worked or how bad of a background you come from, we're extremely fortunate to be in the positions we're in. Successful people don't talk down on those who aren't, and humility comes with the territory. It just stings a bit more when it's family or people you looked up to early in life
Well said! I'm also from a lower middle class household, so that's probably part of the problem. I've gotten it from friends too, but that doesn't bother me bc I just cut those people off they weren't my real friends anyway.
Like you said it bothers me when they ask my salary and I understate it and still seem like a dick. Don't ask if you don't want to know the answer. But also like you said I'm ridiculously lucky to be in the position I am(even though I worked hard), so I guess this just comes with the territory. It's just sad that so many people hate to see another man doing well!
Kinda random question, but I'm also from a low-income family. Do you feel it would be beneficial to not share a summer analyst salary with my family?. I feel like they would be shocked and expect so much from me If I told them.
Honestly... I think its an evaluation you have to make for yourself, even though that's probably not the answer you're looking for. It's so dependent on the relationship you have with that person so it's gotta be your call. Not everyone has this problem, so some will have a different take. Many people are more open about finances, but for the reasons I mentioned above, I really don't tell anyone who doesn't need to know.
It's harder early on because you probably feel like you need guidance on how to handle comp negotiations, which is probably true to some degree. Generally speaking, I would reserve those conversations for someone you trust since it is a more private matter
I chose to disclose the amount with my parents, and bought my family a new nice television for the living room without anyone asking. It was under 5-7% of the total salary and it made a huge impact for my whole family who now all loves watching it.
I think it's really up to you but there is nothing wrong with giving back to those you love. If you feel like they will expect you to provide more you can underestimate the amount, but only families who really need the money will ask for it and in that case you probably should. It's your call. No real answer to this question.
This is all spot on. My family is upper middle class in a rural community, so growing up in public schools the majority of students were firmly low middle or middle class with a decent number of objectively poor people. There were maybe 10 people in my ~350 graduating class that I would consider upper-middle. No truly rich students.
After graduating and getting my 1st year analyst role and moving to New York, my high-school buddies called me "Mr. Wall Street" for the first 2-3 years. One of them took it upon themselves to look up what I was likely making and that information got out to the group. The best strategy for me when that happened was to not directly acknowledge "yes, that's accurate" and try to instead explain how even on that salary I was sharing a 2br apartment with 2 other guys and not saving a penny.
Fortunately my good friends all had their heads on straight and had good middle of the road jobs out of school, but I ended up having two fringe friends hit me up out of the blue to ask for money after not seeing them for over a year and a half in both instances. Extremely awkward conversations, and needless to say I haven't talked to them since. They unfortunately both have also fallen out of contact with our friend group back home (most still live within 30 minutes) and into not so savory groups. My good friends tried to steer them in the right direction, but unfortunately sometimes in life you have to just cut cords.
This may sound a bit racist... but is this some white ppl thing? I literally have never had a family member ask my compensation except my dad. And he does that to see where I am as far as future goals he has for me and I have for myself. I come from a middle class family.
If you ever feel the need to start a sentence with “not to be racist”, you should probably just not say it.
I’ve heard people of all colors talk about their salary or ask me about mine
If anything, it would be a cultural thing lmao, not a white thing...
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It's a socio-economic thing not a race thing
Grew up in a lower middle class household with two teachers as parents. After I asked them to review my first offer letter (consulting gig that was like $85k all in Year 1) things got a little awkward. I've now "loaned" probably $30k to my mom (used in quotes because I don't really care if she ever repays it, though I think she intends to). I'm happy to help out but also never really wanted to be a creditor to family and worry if it's impacted our relationship.
The worst is that my brother -- who is very intelligent but frequently short on $ with an arts-focused career -- often compares himself to me and gets down on himself. I'd almost prefer it if he would get angry with me... he's probably more capable than I am and is doing what he loves, it just hasn't translated to a stable / predictable path or compensation.
This thread hits close to home. While my family has been incredibly supportive and has not been pushy at all for handouts, my former high school friends are another story...
We were all together at dinner a few weeks after we had all graduated from college and each of us went around talking about where we were going, what we were doing, etc. One of my closest friends was insisting that everyone mention how much they were making. I'm not completely unaware so went it came around to me I said I was working at a bank in New York and then mentioned an amount that was $10K above the highest number mentioned (way below actual comp).
I guess my close friend had done some Googling a few months prior when I mentioned my actual role to him and he knew what my base and likely bonus were going to be, so he called me out for lying. The air in the room went dead. I just said that the number I mentioned was my base (also not true) and that between New York taxes, high COL and potential low bonuses, I was making a fraction of what they thought. Did not go over well. Everyone insisted that I pay for their meal and for drinks afterward. I stupidly paid the bill, but dipped out before they hit the bars.
Immediately, it seemed like my whole community thought that I had "made it" as the number got out in just a couple days. I got some wild DMs from vague acquaintances and it turns out they all heard about it from my "close friend." I obviously confronted him about it and asked why he felt the need to air it out and some ugly things came out of that conversation. A lot of built up resentment for "doing better" in high school (not true), going to a higher ranked college, etc.
Haven't spoken to him in years and only occasionally text the others at birthdays and holidays. And I'm pretty sure a couple are doing at least as well as me. I'm just venting at this point. What a fucking L.
Holy fuck they're assholes. Block that toxicity dude.
^ agreed.
Those aren't your friends man - those are leeches, ie want things from you like paying their bill, or crabs, trying to drag you down for doing better than them.
Life is short - don't waste any of it with people that are negative and toxic.
sorry to hear that man. good riddance IMO
The nice thing about finance is most people have no idea how much professionals in the field make.
My extended family has a couple doctors in it and everyone is so impressed by how much they make - as if it’s the pinnacle of success.
Or my government employee uncle who is in his 50s bragging to me about his $150k salary. Clearly has no idea that his nephew 3 decades his junior makes more than him.
I tend to agree with some of the other posters. If your family resents you, you probably had to let them know in some way how much you’re making. Just keep it to yourself and don’t flex your fancy purchases if you have any.
I try to only share salary info with people who work in the same business as me since it’s helpful for negotiating salaries and knowing your worth as an employee. Outside of that, it’s purely for dick measuring.
Thankfully I don’t think anyone in my immediate family would ever become resentful of me becoming successful. Extended family and friends, however... Probably best to stay lowkey and not attract resentment which could lead to people trying to undermine you.
“There is in the garden a plant which one ought to leave dry, although most people water it. It is the weed called Envy.” - Cosimo de' Medici
Not about me but my dad. I have seen his extended family's behavior change as he has become more successful. At a point in time, his income was less than the official debt he had and none of the family members cared about it, all of them kinda stepped on him. Now, he is the head of investments at a multi-billion dollar fund and all the family members run around him. He's definitely been helpful (has bank-rolled weddings in the fam and stuff) but honestly I hate the family members so much for changing their behavior once my dad made it in life.
When I enter the world of high finance, I'll make sure to keep the info to myself.
Family IS overrated. This concept of unity to your bloodline is outdated. Why do we need to keep ties to people who 1) don't care for us 2) don't wish the best for us. My family consists solely of my inner family (parents and siblings). The rest became toxic after starting our business which became successful. Life is too short too be forced to deal with idiots
It's a fuax pas to mention your salary to anyone but your significant other. Don't do this.
Probably having been emotionally cauterized from past traumatic events, I have no problem cutting out the toxic / negative individuals in my life. You need to hold individuals to the standard of a healthy, symbiotic relationship. If you're putting in the time, effort and respect for that individual and they are not reciprocating, you need to dial back your efforts. Have respect for yourself and hold strong the expectations for how you wish to be treated.
I guess I can’t really relate since I come from a family that is overall, extremely loving. But I do think that you need to cut toxic relationships out of your life.
Woew, the wisdom
Not that you have any.
I'm old so I have YEARS of experience with this.
Simply continue to be gracious. They can't help themselves. Jealousy is very hard on the jealous person, it's almost easy to tease them. But don't. Keep them at a distance as much as you can and just remember where it's coming from and that you're the fortunate one.
Any money you have to give will unlikely hurt your long term economic position, so being generous is not bad. Even if it's not appreciated. God sees...
We really are so ridiculously lucky. I even think of my friends who are very well off but it's all the husband's success, and they literally do nothing but tend to schedules, kids, shopping, etc etc. Honestly, that is so not my cup of tea. So boring. Even with all the hard work, and stress, having the credentials and making your own $$ and success is the best.
Yeah, family is a very tough thing. Some people are very passive aggressive about it, and it can be hurtful. Know where it comes from...
Great topic OP - I've had and still have issues with my older brother. He is a CPA in a role he doesn't care for much and has limited growth potential. He tried starting a business in college which was ultimately unsuccessful (he only worked on it for a year or so, coulda worked but he quit early) and so when I started getting traction with mine he was not supportive. He told me to "quit and get a real job" so I stopped taking or asking for his advice from him early on.
At family events I get asked a lot about my work life while nobody asks him about his life as a CPA. I think is hard for him, but the truth is being a CPA is not very interesting. This can cause a lot of tension so I've learned to keep stuff to myself in effort to not "outshine" my older brother.
Sucks but it comes with the territory. My advice is - if you're having trouble like this with family, just don't talk about it. It'll save a lot of headache and help you maintain decent relationships.
once heard a badass quote from ufc fighter Israel Adesanya when asked about why he isn’t more humble. “I’m not going to downplay my success to make you feel more comfortable”
I can see why your fam would be jelly. There is that old saying whenever someone rises to the top, there will always those who try and bring them down. There are two things I would guess that could be the potential cause of this for your family’s resentment towards you: 1) your fam is quite divided and brought up self-absorbed. Good family members would be happy for you. They would feel proud to be connected with you. 2) you may have been acted too prideful and conceited subconsciously in front of your fam, which led them to act spitefully
My fam is a bunch of workaholics so I believe I can relate to your fam a bit, however, I don’t show any resentment. I am always happy for my family members and grateful that I’m even a part of my family. Usually, normal people are not able to put in 100% brain power for more than 4 hours, however, majority of my family members can work at maximum output for 18 hours a day with insane amounts of energy. My cousin who is about 3 years older than me is a prime example of someone who I feel a bit jealous of. He was a millionaire at the age of 19 and makes $3-5k a day playing online poker these days. What I am jealous of is not the amount of money he has made, rather his ability to work at such a intense output leading him to such success. I am jealous of his natural ability but I don’t resent him and I am happy to have him as my family member. I would say that being jealous is completely fine in family, however, showing disdain and resentment is something completely different.
I’m sorry for your situation with your family, maybe give it time and act positively with them. In time, they won’t stay like that forever since people change when they are faced with adversity or failure. When they are in deep need and have treated you poorly, your assistance may bring change in their view of you. I know many people want to cut off family, but they are still your blood. Be the better person and try not to act rashly towards them, I know it’s probably hard because you have priorities to grind but one day you may regret it if they were to randomly die.
its not jealousy, it’s envy. you don’t need that in your life. ditch the hangers-on imo.
Luckily not my nuclear family and my parents siblings, but yeah, a lot of my relatives in areas like Western Mass and Central PA tend to harbor some resentment for my generation of cousins not wanting to spend the rest of their lives in towns that are going nowhere and that time has kind of left behind. Like sorry some of us don't want to spend our lives sulking around a town at the intersection of Nowheresburg and Dead-End Hollow. Its sad but the glory days are over and it is basically suicide to stick around, but the older generations still think there is a way to bring all that back. They believed in Trump and hated us for hating him, but even though he is in office, nothing has changed. I get where they're coming from--it sucks to see the town you loved reduced to a shell, but it's not the kids fault for wanting something better.
This entire thread is why rich people are friends with other rich people. I was luckily born on 3rd base with FOB parents who have no friends. But on my Wife's side, her parents both come from lower class families, and are essentially ostracized because of the money they've made. They (a) have resentful family members (her father is an exec at a publicly traded company, so his salary is literally publicly available information) and (b) have had to cut of family members whom they have "lent" money to but are never giving back the money ("they're so rich why do they need the money anyways"). They've basically had to form new friends with the other "rich" people because the are actually the only other people that get it.
I always feel bad for my wife, she graduated Summa Cum Laude (humble brag, I did not graduate with latin honors) is much smarter than me, got a great job out of college, but all her family (outside the nuclear one) basically give the credit to her parent's money and that the "they" would have gotten there if there parents were rich like hers. And honestly, when I first started dating her, I used to hear her complain and was skeptical (never having family members that were resentful), but when I met them, it was clearly not my wife's family. The cousins/aunts/uncles would be the ones to bring it up.
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