I am done with life
This is mainly just to vent all the feelings I have bottled up so it'll most likely be an incoherent mess. I don't care if I get M'sed - which I surely will. I have no one to talk to so I might as well do this.
All my life I've been an outcast and have heard implicit - and at times explicit - references to being worthless / insignificant. I accepted it but quietly always strived for more - idealistically creating value through "success" (whatever that means). I worked tirelessly throughout school and yet still failed to get into a top college. I still remember that day - I was cold, alone, and utterly disappointed at the fact that all those hours I spent went to shit. It seemed as if everyone else was right. Having spent my first year at a state school, I grinded in the hopes of getting into a better school to break into IB. Somehow, someway, through the grace of God, I managed to get into an Ivy. I was ecstatic for a time but undeniably still felt empty and alone. Additionally, I knew it was all for nothing if I ended up without the IB ticket - especially because my family isn't necessarily the richest - even if they are a bit distant. Throughout this time, somehow I just couldn't really make friends or form real relationships. For SA 2022, I worked tirelessly and did all the proper things - networking, technicals, mocks, 4.0 GPA, etc. Yet despite reaching several SDs, never made the cut. I still remember getting a glimmer of hope with the last one as I felt I had killed it and the interviewers were talking about me joining the team only to then get the WL and later rejection. I was crushed. Ironically, throughout this time, I met someone who was incredibly kind to me. I had never met someone who was willing to be so genuine and kind. I am usually skeptical of most people but I just had a sense I could trust her because of her transparency. Eventually, I ended up telling her everything - virtually all my difficulties and secrets - and throughout it all she flirted quite heavily and spoke about a future together. So despite my shortcomings in IB, I had finally felt a sense of hope - a sense of meaning. Fast forward to today, out of nowhere, this same person comes and says she just suddenly got a boyfriend and texts me saying that she will go ahead and block me and never speak to me again and that she wishes me well. Some might say there was a catalyst but there really was not anything to influence this. We were talking normally as recent as yesterday and she was talking about visiting Disney. I feel an unbearable pain and, though I am not suicidal, just wish I could disappear and relieve myself of all this meaningless bullshit. I completely failed at my IB dream (which some might say is possible but realistically feel so disillusioned) and now lost the one person that meant the world to me. It's like life, instead of getting better, has a sort of inverse telealogy - it's just gets fucking worse.