Investment Banker Married to Consultant: Asking for Protips

I've recently received my offer to work at an IB (BB) on the West Coast, and my husband has just received his offer to work at McKinsey in the same city. We feel incredibly lucky to be based in the same location and are excited for what lies ahead. It's been near impossible to find any advice at all on how other people have made it work -- although we're sure it's been done before. Not looking for any rose-tinted pictures of idealism, but I'd love to hear about how anyone has weathered through the first two years with a high-achieving, barely-there, super-busy spouse, as a similarly occupied one, themselves. What are some unique things you've seen people do to stay in touch with their partners through crazy busy haze? 

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Comments (7)

Jun 14, 2021 - 12:39pm

Mine did not workout due to difference in life goals but in my experience this is what worked for us (4 years).

  1. Set boundaries on what's allowed (various parties, lunch, etc) you wanna make sure no one is pushing past boundaries or it'll cause unwanted stress, anger and anxiety.
  1. Set specific dates for eachother. If it means you'll meet up for a weekend at the end of the month, then make it set and always habe something to look forward to. Use count down counters or even methods to help eachother become "excited" to see wachother.
  1. Set life goals with eachother. Make sure you're both on the same page for where you both want to be, maybe it is owning a nice house, living in the same city in next 5 years, kids, etc. these goals will allow both of you to stay committed to eachother long term.
  1. You don't need to talk and text througout the day, but make sure you guys FaceTime at night as much as you can. Also don't be afraid to have FaceTime/zoom dates on Netflix or dinner or however creative you can.
  1. All in All, never give up hope but listen to your heart. Long distance relationships and high achieving relationships work because you both are COMMITTED to eachother and both want a future together. You don't have to sacrifice your careers for eachother, just set up a plan to make both applicable in your life.

Goodluck!

Most Helpful
  • Senior VP in HF - Other
Jun 14, 2021 - 1:03pm

Apart from specific relationship things respective personalities plays a big role. Two independent personalities that are not needy and don't need a lot of attention / affirmation tend to do well in these situations. However, some people just need a high level of attention (ex. get bent out of shape if hours go by without a text response), affirmation, etc in a relationship and distance/long hours can make it hard. If you both are more of the independent types, you already have a head start. However, if either one of you falls more into the more needy (not in a negative sense just can't think of a better word) than knowing that up front and finding ways to 1) quell those feelings / manage expectations on the one hand, and 2) making extra effort by the other person on the other hand, will set you up for more success. The specifics of facetiming, carving out days to hang out, etc. are all well and good...but if the underlying personality types aren't aligned for this type of dynamic you'll likely have issues no matter what. As a side note you're both killing it - good luck. 

  • Associate 2 in IB-M&A
Jun 15, 2021 - 3:02pm

I was and still am in the same situation, so speaking from experience. 

The work you need to put in to effectively weather these next 2-3 years will occur before you both start day 1. It's crucial to set expectations on when you're both busy and how you are comfortable laying low key, when only 1 person is free and whether it's a big deal for that person to travel separately or do their own thing with their friends, and when both people are free and how important dates and events are to you. That way, you will both know what to do when those 3 situations arise.

Also, be comfortable with how the other person is thinking of their long-term goals. Is this just to pay off loans? Will this become an issue if someone wants to stay long-term with kids?

Also, do yourself a favor and spend money where needed. Get a maid to keep the apartment clean, spend more on vacations so you can unwind and enjoy it, etc. Last thing you want to do is leave something to be desired when you both travel. Get a place that you're happy coming home to and in a good neighborhood.

Also, to the extent possible, practice drawing work/life boundaries and not letting your job creep in to your vacations. That always kills it.

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