Is my boyfriend not trying or does he really not have time for a 5 minute conversation 3-5 days a week?

snowys435's picture
Rank: Monkey | 46

So, I have gotten to the point that I am absolutely desperate and posting on here because my boyfriend is in investment banking ( he is just finishing up year 1) and no one has really been able to give me good advice because they don't fully understand the situation.

We have been dating a grand total of 2 ish years, 1 year LDR. I have basically been putting everything into the relationship, with very little expectations of him, and he always uses work as an excuse. I have probably more understanding than any girl would be about his work life. I'm not sure if I'm just falling for his s*** and he's just not committed enough to try harder and make this work or he really doesn't have the time because I have very minimal expectations.

We text most days but it's mostly me that talks about my life and my days and he doesn't respond to a lot of stuff but tries when he can. It used to bug me but I'm more used to it now. Otherwise, we never talk on the phone and he's never visited me.

The issue is more that we have been doing LDR for a year and there have been so many ups and downs and he has been saying " he'll try" for a year but hasn't to do small things like talk a few times a week on the phone for 5 minutes. I'm not asking for him to have 30 minute conversations with me or talk to me every night. I'm really not asking for much. Just 5 minutes to chat on the phone whenever he gets the chance during the day since we mostly text. He didn't do anything for valentines day when I visited, "forgot" our anniversary, and various things like that.

As of now, we have only had ONE PHONE CONVERSATION IN THE PAST MONTH FOR 5 MINUTES. This has happened multiple times in the past year but he always says that "this project is just really bad". It will get better but it never does. But really, I'm not asking him to talk for more than 5 minutes a few times a week but he hasn't made it happen.

This year, I visited him 3 times over the weekends since we are pretty far away. He said he couldn't visit at all during the first year so I was willing to deal with that. At this point, I'm not sure if I should just break up with him. I understand work is really bad and I am never demanding of anything and I have even gone with multiple week stretches of never talking on the phone. But now I'm wondering if I should just end it because he just doesn't want it enough to make it work and should be able to meet my bare minimum expectations.

Last month he told me I should break up with him because he was "too selfish" but he didn't break up with me. he said that he could be happy with just money in life and didnt need anything else. he also said he wasn't sure he wanted it but would try. he did call regularly for about 2 weeks before slipping into old habits. Since then Ive asked him if he wants this and he keeps saying yes but nothing has really changed and he says hes on a really bad project right now.

I really am no longer sure of what to do. If anyone has any insight it would be helpful. I can give more information if need be.

my boyfriend is an investment banker, does he have time for me?

This situational is obviously a very personal one The hours in banking can be long and hard. However, is this a justification for no personal life? The answer is that it depends. So here are some thoughts on the situation from the banking community.

So what does this situation look like objectively?
from certified user @Quaneaser

I think you should take a step back and look objectively at what you just typed. I'll point out a few obvious ones:

-As of now, we have only had ONE PHONE CONVERSATION IN THE PAST MONTH FOR 5 MINUTES.
-Last month he told me I should break up with him
-he said that he could be happy with just money in life and didnt need anything else.

Ask yourself: In a world with millions and billions of potential mates, is the one you described above the one you want to settle on?

The Bear Breakup Strategy
from certified user @Dingdong08

When I was in high school and early college I had a strategy to get girls to break up with me based on a movie about a bear. I must have been really high because what high school kid watches a 1970's movie about a bear when they're sober? Momma bear was killed by something that I can't remember so weird mountain man raised baby bear high up in the Rockies until he was a big bear. But weird mountain man, who must have smelled like utter ass because he stayed up in the mountains for a really long time, had to get the bear to be fearful of humans so he set a bear trap on a very light setting so as not to hurt the now grown up bear but enough to get him really pissed off and never want to be around smelly weird mountain man or any other human again. In my strategy, I was weird smelly mountain man and the girls were the bears. I never tried a bear trap on a girl because that would just be fucked up, but I'd do horrible things so that they'd never want to talk to me again.

Really immature and pussy strategy, but that's what your boyfriend is doing. Unfortunately, I think weird smelly mountain man eventually got eaten by a bear. Moral of the story: don't play with bears. They will eat your smelly ass.

from certified user @jcpenny

File that 8k and announce the spin-off


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Comments (137)

Jul 1, 2014

lol

    • 1
Jul 1, 2014

Doesn't sound like he's merger material...

Anyway, if he could make the effort to call and actually be there for about 2 weeks, then maybe he just doesn't care all the other times. He should find time for 5 minutes a week. He goes to the restroom doesn't he?

I'm hesitant to judge because it does seem possible that he's just too overworked or too tired. But it seems like you've already made your decision and came here for validation. You're obviously not comfortable so have some self respect and just dump him. Or don't and make it work, just don't expect him to suddenly be there when he's done with banking

    • 1
Jul 1, 2014

I haven't made my decision. I'm trying to figure out how to talk to him about this because he somehow manages to squirm out of these conversations every time or manages to make me feel guilty about how much he's working and then I end up compromising with not talking. I said i didn't understand how he couldn't call me when he grabbed food or took a break and he says a lot of the time he's just not alone. He also skips meals to work he says, so i cant expect him to talk when he's not eating. and thats kind of how its been going.

Jul 1, 2014

lol sounds just like me - im the guy. Honestly you should break up with him because he isnt interested in you any more. He keeps you around because...well it doesnt require any effort, and he doesnt have time to build the foundation required for other relationships.

Jul 1, 2014

Well here's a first...

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Jul 1, 2014

inb4 bull-pen becomes couples therapy

    • 1
Funniest
Jul 1, 2014

File that 8k and announce the spin-off

    • 7
Jul 1, 2014

Hahaha

Jul 1, 2014

I think you should take a step back and look objectively at what you just typed. I'll point out a few obvious ones:

-As of now, we have only had ONE PHONE CONVERSATION IN THE PAST MONTH FOR 5 MINUTES.
-Last month he told me I should break up with him
-he said that he could be happy with just money in life and didnt need anything else.

Ask yourself: In a world with millions and billions of potential mates, is the one you described above the one you want to settle on?

    • 3
Jul 1, 2014

He wants you to dump him, less guilt that way. Just dump him and send pics to those of us that helped you, like that other girl did.

    • 1
Jul 1, 2014

I would rather he dump me so he has the guilt of losing me and regretting it later.

Jul 1, 2014
snowys435:

I would rather he dump me so he has the guilt of losing me and regretting it later.

Well, you are in a battle to see who can wait it out until one dumps the other to avoid guilt. I say, never call or text him and go fuck some random guy to help your situation. I know some random guys who can help.

    • 1
Jul 1, 2014

sounds like you and he are both in it for the money. more power.

Jul 1, 2014

I'm in it because i love him and we have a long and complicated history. It's hard to just let that go. 2 years is a long time and I guessI'm just scared. He used to not be like this before he started working.

Jul 1, 2014

He doesn't want to be the one to end it. Dump him and get it over with already.

Jul 1, 2014

You come to complain about him, yet you'd rather stay with him that feel guilty for dumping him? Interesting...

It is double pleasure to deceive the deceiver.
Niccolo Machiavelli

Jul 1, 2014

I think it's more that he is the first guy I fell in love with and I'm scared and convinced I wont find another guy I like so if we break up I'll just never be able to love someone else again. And If I end it I will always be like, what if I made it work? But if he ends it I have no choice in the matter.

Jul 1, 2014

Please, do yourself a BIG favor. This guy sounds like a douche with an utter lack of balls to do what he wants; in this case, that means break up with you.

Value your own time and dump him. Believe me there are plenty of people to have a meaningful relatonship with and he is not one of them.

It is double pleasure to deceive the deceiver.
Niccolo Machiavelli

Jul 1, 2014
snowys435:

I think it's more that he is the first guy I fell in love with and I'm scared and convinced I wont find another guy I like so if we break up I'll just never be able to love someone else again. And If I end it I will always be like, what if I made it work? But if he ends it I have no choice in the matter.

real life is not a disney movie
plenty fish in the sea
etc

Jul 1, 2014

When I was in high school and early college I had a strategy to get girls to break up with me based on a movie about a bear. I must have been really high because what high school kid watches a 1970's movie about a bear when they're sober? Momma bear was killed by something that I can't remember so weird mountain man raised baby bear high up in the Rockies until he was a big bear. But weird mountain man, who must have smelled like utter ass because he stayed up in the mountains for a really long time, had to get the bear to be fearful of humans so he set a bear trap on a very light setting so as not to hurt the now grown up bear but enough to get him really pissed off and never want to be around smelly weird mountain man or any other human again. In my strategy, I was weird smelly mountain man and the girls were the bears. I never tried a bear trap on a girl because that would just be fucked up, but I'd do horrible things so that they'd never want to talk to me again.

Really immature and pussy strategy, but that's what your boyfriend is doing. Unfortunately, I think weird smelly mountain man eventually got eaten by a bear. Moral of the story: don't play with bears. They will eat your smelly ass.

    • 4
Jul 1, 2014

If he really wants to end it, why does't he just do it. how hard is that? he's busy with work all the time anyways. Except he keeps saying that he really does want it and I just really fail to understand the logic.

Jul 1, 2014

If he was a good guy, he would make the effort to call, you are never working 24/7. He doesn't want to put in the effort for you, but still wants the benefits. Now, you have been extremely patient with him, and seem like a great girl, so you will most certainly be able to find someone who treats you better. From my (admittedly limited) experience, I dated a girl for close to a year when I knew after a few months I didn't want to be with her long term - and not only was she not long distance, she lived next door to me in the dorms. Talk about an awkward breakup, that spoiled a perfectly good year and made her hate my guts (for legitimate reasons unfortunately), whereas if I had broken it off earlier we probably could have been friends.

Tl,dnr: Break up with him, the longer you wait, the worse it will be.

"Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face."

Jul 1, 2014

Honestly, if I had a dollar for every time i've heard - "he is the first guy I fell in love with and I'm scared and convinced I wont find another guy I like so if we break up I'll just never be able to love someone else again" - then i'd be rich as shit.

Some words of wisdom, if you are in your early 20s, going to med school, and remotely attractive, then you'll be just fine. Not sure how you can love some dude that can't even give you more than 5 mins a month to talk, you should work on those issues a little bit before your next relationship.

    • 1
Jul 1, 2014

OP,

Long answer short: You guys need to break up.

The fact is if he was actually committed he would make time (especially when the threshold for you is so low (5 mins)). By telling him you to break up with him he was essentially admitting he didn't really want this and the he is too much of a bitch to do it himself. Do yourself a favor in the long run. End this, and find a guy who gives you what you want. You only get to be young once, so don't waste your turn on someone who isn't reciprocating your interest, and who you will most likely break up with down the road (after having sunk more time/energy in).

PS. be prepared from some heartless replies to this post. WSO can at times be filled with what seems like the dregs of society.

Jul 1, 2014

I just texted him that it is ridiculous we have only talked once for 5 minutes this month and i need to know wtf is going on and we should break up if he doesn't want this enough to put in the effort.. He obviously saw my messages and hasn't responded and im pretty sure he will tell me tomorrow morning that he thinks we should break up. I am actually freaking out now on the inside and have no idea how im going to deal with this. I should have done this in february of this year but i kept letting him drag me along. wtf was i thinking.

Jul 1, 2014

Is now a good time to send Dick pics?

http://images.nymag.com/daily/intel/20081006_fuld_...

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Best Response
Jul 1, 2014

You're complaining about not having a conversation for more than 5 minutes.

I have to ask - what is the kind of conversation you're looking for?

All the women I've been in relationships with have wanted the type of conversation where they spend 10 - 20 minutes telling me the uninteresting minutiae of their day as some sort of carthasis (from their perspective). A sort of psychological bulimia, if you will, where they'd regurgitate the tedium of their day and I am expected to demonstrate active listening and pretend I care. This has inevitably been the first thing they have wanted to do in a conversation - purge first, then sigh, then become a little more normal.

My beloved wife does this, but she recognises that it's a psychological craving and is happy that I just go through the motions. I'm gifted with a natural ability to keep the last 3 sentences spoken in my memory buffer, so I can answer correctly when asked what she just said and ask a few "active listening" questions when I really just don't give a shit.

If this is the sort of conversation/end-of-day psychological projectile vomiting is your go to topic in conversations with this guy, no wonder he doesn't have the time to speak with you. He's got productive shit to do.

Likely he'd be happy spending time on the phone with you was productive or intellectually stimulating. But he's not going to be eager if these calls start with a 20 minute counseling session where he has to listen to shit-boring trivialities and offer affirming responses ("Really, she said that to you? What a bitch!").

He's likely particularly uninterested if it's one of those sessions where you complain about your problems with the aim of getting affirmation or sympathy rather than solutions ie you don't really want his problem solving advice or never implement it.

A guy in early IB has a hundred problems to solve every day and he becomes a hammer. A hammer for solving problems. A girlfriend who calls up with 'problems' looking for consolation rather than a hammer is a huge fucking annoyance because he is a hammer and she is a problem he can't hammer. Meanwhile, he's got hundreds of e-mails from his director and staff sitting in his in-box with problems needing to be hammered, problems he could be hammering right now rather than being stuck on the phone listening to someone who treats him as an unpaid counselor.

    • 9
Jul 1, 2014

I actually know exactly what you're talking about and no, I don't do this. I do tell him about my day on chat but I dont expect him to sit and listen to this on the phone. I don't ask for 20 minute calls. I just ask for 5 minutes so that we can catch up on life since we never talk talk on the phone. This includes asking about him and what's going on at work or telling him about the research project im working on as well as talking about whats just going on. is that really too much to ask?

Jul 1, 2014

"I'm gifted with a natural ability to keep the last 3 sentences spoken in my memory buffer, so I can answer correctly when asked what she just said and ask a few "active listening" questions when I really just don't give a shit."

My problem is when I completely space out and there's nothing in my memory buffer, as in I don't even have a general clue on the topic she's been talking about for 15 minutes and I have to pull something completely out of ass. Nine times out of ten I'm so dead wrong or my change of topic is just so obvious that she walks away. And then I don't have to listen to it anymore. I win.

    • 1
Jul 1, 2014

also, either way, you obviously love your wife enough to listen to her go on and on so your point is kind of invalid. by your logic and personal experience it just shows that if that is the case, he doesn't care about me enough to bother doing it.

Jul 2, 2014

@snowys435 - Only when I'm at home and don't have work to do. If I'm at work, it's "OK, thanks, bye ". This works in our relationship as she does the same to me when she's at work and she works longer hours than me.

@Dingdong08 - any of these three lines should work 90% of the time:
"Really, she said that to you?"
"God, what a bitch"
"I think you did the right thing"

Jul 2, 2014

LOL, great response. As a guy it's crucial to always avoid the classic mistake of trying to solve a girl's problems instead of simply acknowledging what they are.

    • 1
Jul 1, 2014

pls respond.

Don't have anything to look forward to besides 2 min conversation about a life outside my own.

ty.

Jul 2, 2014
jbone24:

pls respond.

Don't have anything to look forward to besides 2 min conversation about a life outside my own.

ty.

rip

Jul 2, 2014

I assume he would have time when he is walking/driving back home or to work (not too sure if time difference plays a factor in this). If you are west coast and he is east coast, even a call at 1am ET should work.

You are about to finish school and there is a whole lot to experience and it seems like his lack of attention is really weighing you down. There are plenty of guys out there that can meet your wants/needs and would be glad to give you a call whenever they have a chance. It just seems like your flame has died and long distance does this. I had a friend who did LDR for three years and put more effort into keeping his relationship going 10000x more than your bf.

Anyways, my advice would be to shit test him. Do not give him the pleasure of breaking up with you, since it will give him the upper hand and cause you to chase. I have no recommendations with regards to phrasing and all but I would suggest you break up with him and voice your reasons. If he still wants to be with you he will improve and ask for another chance. If he does not ask for another chance, well there is your sign. If that is the case, getting over it will be tough but have a strong support system with friends and activities to keep you occupied. Furthermore, by you ending it you have the upper hand and will most likely cause him to chase you in the future (if he realizes what he lost).

-Slim

Jul 2, 2014

1. You're right, I'm about to start med school and I can't deal with his ups and downs anymore. Cant fail out of med school or screw myself over so I know I have to sort it out before then.

2. I think if I break up him, he is less likely to come back I guess. I think he would just be complacent and be like I had no control over it. If it's his decision, he's the kind of person who'll agonize it and realize he made a mistake and try to fix it. It's sad that it's come to this but I guess I'm dong this because we've had something really good and he's throwing it down the drain and I want him to see and and stop that. I guess it feels like if I end it, he will just never come to that realization and do anything about it. Or my logic is bad and if he wants this it makes more sense the other way.

Jul 2, 2014
snowys435:

1. You're right, I'm about to start med school and I can't deal with his ups and downs anymore. Cant fail out of med school or screw myself over so I know I have to sort it out before then.

2. I think if I break up him, he is less likely to come back I guess. I think he would just be complacent and be like I had no control over it. If it's his decision, he's the kind of person who'll agonize it and realize he made a mistake and try to fix it. It's sad that it's come to this but I guess I'm dong this because we've had something really good and he's throwing it down the drain and I want him to see and and stop that. I guess it feels like if I end it, he will just never come to that realization and do anything about it. Or my logic is bad and if he wants this it makes more sense the other way.

Just read your post above. Deleted.

Jul 2, 2014

Also, there is a time difference. 3 hours. And I'm the one ahead so it makes it tougher.

Jul 2, 2014

Everybody, I reiterate, everybody who is in a relationship he genuinely cares about finds time to make a 5min call even if it's not an ideal setting (toilet, underground, walking to the office, during eating).
He's using his work as an excuse because he doesn't want to talk to you. We can't tell you what the reason is but he's giving you clear signs for a breakup. Maybe because he does it because he doesn't have the balls, maybe he actually thinks he's doing you a favor by giving you a way out before he pulls the plug.
Now what baffles me, why do you want to hold on and wait for him to break up eventually? You'll just waste more months being sad and disappointed AND end up being the one who got left. Then you'll realize you were a fool and will feel even more terrible than if you end it now, recover a bit and put yourself out there again.

Jul 2, 2014

The answers here are pretty crude and honestly kind of depressing.

I was that guy you are describing, and everyone was telling my gf in college to break up with me. In fact some of my "buds" assumed I wanted to give her up and started making moves on my gf when she felt as vulnerable as you.

My story may not be the same story as yours, but basically I didn't call because I wasn't organized or calm, not because I didn't give a shit about her. Banking isn't crazy to the point you can't call, but if you're insecure about making it up the ladder, or feel the need to perfect every detail your boss complains about, you always think you need to always work, even hanging out with Co workers, I would try to network and always move forward.

You have to realize that most people go into banking because that's the least risky path to money. That go getting attitude for this competitive job often masks a deeper insecurity about proving your worth even though you are only in your 20s and have an entire life to succeed.

My point that is even though you are correct that he could squeeze some time for you. Don't assume it's because he doesn't care. Find out what the real reason is first, but realize you shouldn't call him out on it because he is obviously too embarrassed to tell you why he actually doesn't make time.

My gf decided to wait for me and I gradually taught myself how to organize time for her and work, and could finally leave the office and just relax. With her help of course. After going through that with her i get a feeling I won't need to find another gf again.

    • 3
Jul 2, 2014

I have been trying to work on it with him for about a year now. tried to ease him into it. The first couple months of his job I never expected to talk. After that we started talking more and skyping more for a while but started going downhill again to the point that he almost completely stopped calling when I said it was ok he was busy so he didn't have the pressure to call. But it never really ended up improving and I can't begin to tell you how understanding I've tried to be this year, how many times he has said he'll try to call more giving him more chances and time each time. I never expected an immediate change and was willing to help him through this suggesting what could work or accommodating for the times that he could talk. I've tried to talk to him about figuring out how he can show he cares or when he can find a few minutes. He always cites a reason for why that won't work. it has never panned out. He is exactly the kind of guy that you're describing him to be but I just don't know how to approach him to change that. do you have any suggestions other than what I've already tried?

Jul 2, 2014

Have you told her : " If I were you I'd break up with me... I can live with alone if I have money". If you have feelings and let's say you feel like you don't have time and also kind of blue, then it's your case. But this guy is just using the I'm a shit and you deserve better than me strategy.

So for the OP:
-Learn how to be INDEPENDENT for God's sake (and your own,sure)
-Never rely all your happiness on someone else, or you might end up fucked like this.
-Don't overthink things and get paranoid.

If he doesn't pay attention to you, why should you? He treats you bad, and you suffer. What you really expect from WSO is people who tell you that he adores and loves you endlessly but unfortunately there's no time. Make you worth, take you pride and break up. Since he doesn't like phone talking, send an sms. He'd eventually read it.

    • 1
Jul 2, 2014

He said the former the month ago. He said that he thought he could be happy alone with money and then added on he's being selfish but he doesn't think he can change but loves me. He also said though he really thinks he could be happy with money alone, he thinks at some point that he will stop feeling that way but just doesn't feel it now. He also said he was in a little negative spot. idk I'm not sure what it all equated to but we didn't break up because he said he really wanted to try and figure things out but then we've gone another stretch without talking. I honestly am not sure if he really is using the i suck, you dump me strategy or this job has actually driven him insane and emotionally incapable of anything. He honestly really used to not be like this. It wasn't even so bad when he first started banking.

Jul 2, 2014

Not even 5 minutes? Lol, thats absolutely impossible. Even during the most demanding projects you can ALWAYS find at least 5 minutes a day to make a call. This guy sounds like he's full of shit with these lame excuses.

'I can live with just money'? Fuck, if I ever get that sad, please someone shoot me.

Jul 2, 2014

I would break it off before you start med school. He definitely has the ability to make a call. Sure there are rough stretches in banking where you don't have much time for anything, but if he *loved* you like you *love* him, he would easily make the time. You should have no problem finding another person that genuinely cares about you and the relationship will be much better because relationships are two way streets.

Jul 2, 2014

he says everything is a rough stretch. Even when there an't rough stretches he will call but not as often as we should be talking i guess.IDK i just want him to realize he's screwing up and throwing something away because we have, under all of this crap, a really unique relationship, that would have probably been long term by now if not for his job, but i dont know how to do that. I dont know if me breaking up with him would do that or im being totally retarded and I should have moved on 6 months ago to find someone who values me more than money.

Jul 2, 2014

What's his #? He sounds like a cool guy

Jul 2, 2014

Probably the most important question on this thread...but are you even hot?

Jul 2, 2014

@"SSits" - you forgot repeating the last three words of what they say with an questioning inflection (if she's mad) or an "aww" with a somber inflection (if she's sad)

her: blahblahblahblahblah and then she didn't fucking text me back!!!
you: she didn't text you back?

her: blahblahblahblahblahblahblah saw a dead baby bird
you: aww baby bird!

works every time

@"snowys435" I was in long distance relationship for 4 years (she just moved in, it's going great), he's not worth it. I never worked banker's hours but I've done a full time job, volunteer work + CFA. have a friend who's a Lehman vet who did banker's hours, CFA, and had a healthy relationship. not texting you back period is inexcusable, not texting you back all of the time is fine. ask yourself this: what times of day are you texting him? how often do you text him? is it about substantial stuff?

short list of tips:

1. make sure you only text him things requiring a response at optimal times of day (ask him what this is, it will be between dinnertime and whenever the MD sends back edits mostly).

2. if he has a big deal going on, text him around midnight and say something not requiring a response "just wanted to say I love you, I'm really proud of you, call me whenever things lighten up after the deal, I want to hear all about it."

3. should probably only have calls as he's about to go to sleep or on the weekends. when my girlfriend & I were long distance, we didn't talk every day, we emailed during the slow part of the day, and texted occasionally, but I'd talk to her maybe 5 minutes at a time right as I was going to sleep and then have more substantial conversations on the weekends.

4. make every conversation count, and this point will hurt. yes, men joke about the pointlessness of female conversation because to us, most of what you say is "blah blah blah." I have great conversations with my girlfriend when they're substantial, but when she talks to me about her friends, clothes, etc., my eyes glaze over and I think of a reason to exit the conversation (clean garage, poop, read research, etc.). I know it's important for you "just to talk," but think about it like this: do you care what you talk about? my guess is no, you just want to converse with him and hear his voice. men don't work like that. think about something to talk about, and let the conversation wander from there, but always have a topic (his latest deal, how his new gym is working out, crazy story from your life, family, etc). no idea why this is the case, it could be because back in the day, men went out on multi day hunts while women stayed back at home base, so maybe men function better without interaction than females, I don't know.

5. all of this assumes he actually cares about you, which by him asking for you to break up with him, I'm not so sure he does. he could be immature, the relationship could've died, or he could just be misplacing other emotions on you (sign if immaturity). figure out if he cares about you. if he doesn't, end it. if he does ever grow up, you may cross paths again, but you don't have the time or the emotional capital to deal with this crap as you enter med school.

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Jul 2, 2014

1. The only reason I text him more than that is before we never talk and he knows that. If we talked for a few minutes a couple times a week I'd be content with not texting very much and doing my own thing. The texting compensates for the lack of talking and it really doesn't do it well.

3. I'm three hours ahead and it's impossible to be do because I'm asleep by that time. The only solution to this is he call when he has a few minutes earlier in the day.

5. I think he does care about me but all of that is buried under pressure to perform at work. He's really ambitious and I guess in that environment it's so amplified he feels like he needs to spend every moment working. I think he's a complete workaholic. But when he does take a step back from that I can tell he really cares about me. I just don't see that very often.

Jul 2, 2014
snowys435:

1. The only reason I text him more than that is before we never talk and he knows that. If we talked for a few minutes a couple times a week I'd be content with not texting very much and doing my own thing. The texting compensates for the lack of talking and it really doesn't do it well.

3. I'm three hours ahead and it's impossible to be do because I'm asleep by that time. The only solution to this is he call when he has a few minutes earlier in the day.

regarding texting, you should change this, this is nagging. try what I recommended (ask him first).

regarding calling, try texting first, but don't get so hung up on talking every day. yes communication is important, but if the person matters to you, learn to adapt. I have a small sample size (my relationship), but simply not talking by phone everyday and only texting after dinner did wonders for communication strain.

we would email sometimes during the day (email is much easier for someone at their computer all day), so it was like texting. maybe try that. most firms are ok with using email for something like that, just keep it PG.

Jul 2, 2014
snowys435:

I already tried the not nagging or not brining it up thing for the longest time and he still didn't call. Not sure my nagging is the issue.

Yes, but the fact that you *had* nagged before is still a blemish on the relationship. Now he views the quiet time as a good thing - "yay, no more nagging!"

Men are also different from women in that they aren't generally introspective/observant to unspoken needs. Usually if a man pulls back, the woman will reach out for fear of losing him. If a woman pulls back, the man goes, "Whew, finally a moment to rest." Keep in mind this doesn't necessarily have ANYTHING to do with whether he likes you or not - men just like to have their "me time".

snowys435:

1. The only reason I text him more than that is before we never talk and he knows that. If we talked for a few minutes a couple times a week I'd be content with not texting very much and doing my own thing. The texting compensates for the lack of talking and it really doesn't do it well.

5. I think he does care about me but all of that is buried under pressure to perform at work. He's really ambitious and I guess in that environment it's so amplified he feels like he needs to spend every moment working. I think he's a complete workaholic. But when he does take a step back from that I can tell he really cares about me. I just don't see that very often.

1. See, you have this set notion of how much / what method you should be talking. You won't accept the texts or emails, it has to be a voice. But it seems you're so set on this "ideal" that nothing else will be acceptable. Hell, I would LOVE if my guy texted me. At least he does that. Have you considered leaving short voicemails for each other instead? That way you can still tell him about your day and hear his voice. Might help with the timezone issue too.

5. You "think" he cares about you, but you don't see it very often....? If you're having so many issues with the current him, do you think it's going to get better anytime soon? You have 2 years of IB analyst stint to suffer through, then either b-school or buy-side recruiting, etc. If he's overambitious, how long are you willing to wait to get the attention you need? You sound like the type of girl who knows exactly what she wants but is afraid because her boyfriend isn't matching up. Either adjust your expectations, or find someone who matches your needs... because this guy clearly isn't it. You don't want to wait around for him 5 years and realize he's NEVER going to change.

Doesn't mean this guy's a douche, just means he has a different dating style.

Currently: future psychiatrist (med school =P)
Previously: investor relations (top consulting firm), M&A consulting (Big 4), M&A banking (MM)

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Jul 2, 2014

Oh, honey.

1) You're honestly being a nag. Guys don't do the "talk" thing, and pre-empting any kind of serious conversation with "we should really talk more" is kind of a turn-off. The fact that you're putting such a HUGE emphasis on "talk time" almost sounds like a mask for something deeper that's going on. Or it could just mean you're a nag.

2) I've been in the reverse situation, where a guy I was dating wanted me to talk more with him, but I was juggling 2 internships, summer classes, a professional dance company, and freelancing. Yes, I'm sure I had 5 minutes in the day, but sometimes when you do get that brief reprieve, you just want to vegetate in front of your computer/phone/TV and not do anything. It's not like I didn't *care* about my guy, it's just that summoning that mental energy to be fully engaged in a conversation was not something I wanted to do. Seems like your guy is in a similar situation. IB gets draining, esp. if this is his first year.

3) CALM DOWN. It's not the end of the world if you break up. Make some girlfriends, go out, have fun. Or if you're the studious type, throw yourself into that (once med school rolls around, no need to worry about things to do lol).

4) On that note - just break it off already. Make it clean, don't drag it out. You have hundreds of other chances at love. And hey, who knows, maybe in 5 years you'll run into this guy again and both of you will have matured more to actually give this a real go.

Currently: future psychiatrist (med school =P)
Previously: investor relations (top consulting firm), M&A consulting (Big 4), M&A banking (MM)

    • 4
Jul 2, 2014

I already tried the not nagging or not brining it up thing for the longest time and he still didn't call. Not sure my nagging is the issue.

Jul 2, 2014

Imagine if OP was trolling.

Jul 2, 2014

Meh. Honey, you have self esteem issues. No person should ever allow themselves to be treated the way you have. Move on.

Jul 2, 2014

Yeah actually you're right. And after a long year I finally realize I am worth a lot more and leaving this I have everything to gain and find a guy who actually cares about me and puts time into me. He has everything to lose and I'm confident he will never find someone like me again. With med school apps and that strenuous process it did lower myself esteem and gave me self worth issues. But I recently got a full ride to a med school and it made me realize I needed to deal with this head on and I'm worth a lot more than how he's treating me. I guess posting on here was important because I needed to hear the hard cold truth from other people.

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Jul 2, 2014

Two pages in and no pics?

Jul 2, 2014

OP, you need Tinder and Amazon theraphy

heister:

Look at all these wannabe richies hating on an expensive salad.

https://arthuxtable.com/

Jul 2, 2014

She's so fucking reasonable it hurts my brain.

heister:

Look at all these wannabe richies hating on an expensive salad.

https://arthuxtable.com/

Jul 2, 2014

I cannot believe that I spent time reading this thread...

@snowys435 ... but now that I did, here are my 2 cents:

Seems (to me) that you are trying to rationalize breaking up with this dude... to be honest if you are at that point you have already broken up mentally but have not quite accepted that reality yet.

good luck!

Jul 2, 2014

I think I'm trying to rationalize staying with hin because that's what I want to do. But I also don't want to be a doormat so I realize breaking up makes a lot of sense. I'm not sure where that leaves me.

Jul 2, 2014
snowys435:

I think I'm trying to rationalize staying with hin because that's what I want to do. But I also don't want to be a doormat so I realize breaking up makes a lot of sense. I'm not sure where that leaves me.

Let me rephrase.. (again this is just my opinion)
You are trying to find a reason to stay together because being single after all this time is scary - nothing wrong with that. But the very fact that you are trying to find this reason means that you do not have one. Also, you need to consider whether its the dude or the "feeling" of being in a relationship that is making you want to stay together..

I do not believe it is my place to tell you what to do..

All I can say is that I would not put up with this level of "distancing" - and I am a dude ( we are not exactly known to like the touchy-feely-talky stuff)

Jul 2, 2014

Oh my lawd.

You need to move the hell on. Why do I get the feeling this guy was your first and you are trying to hold on? You are going to medical school soon, there is no way this ends well. Do you really want the next 4 years of your life to be of indentured servitude toward organic chemistry and crying into a pint of ben & jerry's because a banker won't give you a call back?

What do you want for your life? Find someone.... local. To spend your free time with. You could have had a year of making memories and instead you were holding onto whatever the hell you wanna call your current situation.

Do you want the next 12 months to look like the last 12 months?

Jul 2, 2014
ArcherVice:

Oh my lawd.

You need to move the hell on. Why do I get the feeling this guy was your first and you are trying to hold on? You are going to medical school soon, there is no way this ends well. Do you really want the next 4 years of your life to be of indentured servitude toward organic chemistry and crying into a pint of ben & jerry's because a banker won't give you a call back?

What do you want for your life? Find someone.... local. To spend your free time with. You could have had a year of making memories and instead you were holding onto whatever the hell you wanna call your current situation.

Do you want the next 12 months to look like the last 12 months?

Well said!!

Jul 2, 2014

He is probably like me who doesn't like calling and thinks texting is enough, only to figure out too late that it wasn't enough. You should also consider that right now you have a lot of free time (last semester of school + summer break). Once in med school, you won't have much time first two years and you may feel less need to talk because you'll be equally, if not more busy. On the flip side, med school might be a good place to find the right person.

Jul 2, 2014

That's a good point and I did think about it. But I'm pretty sure I will still want at least some phone conversations and only texting won't be enough. I tried to convince myself for a while that it was, and it actually was for about 3 weeks and then I really felt the need to talk. I don't know if med school l being busy will change my need to talk on the phone

Jul 2, 2014

I think i need the phone or least some short conversations in order to keep feeling connected. After a few weeks of only texting they feel too distant. I think it might be too risky to wait till med school in case I find out that I'm still really upset about the lack of calls despite being so busy

Jul 2, 2014

Just start banging another guy. You'll get the attention you want without dumping the guy you want. He will never know and life goes on.

Jul 2, 2014

This conversation is so fuckin' lame.

Jul 3, 2014

Sounds like you have horrible taste in men, which is typical of young women. The fact that you have let him treat you like garbage shows that you have incredibly low self esteem. It's sad, but I see your type all the time among the gfs of my friends. On paper you understand that your interest in staying with him is completely irrational, but you're addicted to the mistreatment--at this point it's just normal. When mistreatment becomes your "new normal" that's when you know you've messed up in your partner decision.

Fact is, if you DON'T dump this guy you are officially labeled as the doormat in this relationship forever. Your bf is an utter d-bag--5 minutes a month is obscene. NOBODY is that busy. In fact, half of the day in investment banking is sitting around waiting for work, not actually doing work. Much of the 90+ hour work weeks are sitting around on your ass surfing the internet, waiting for work to come in. Your bf is full of sh*t.

    • 3
Jul 3, 2014
DCDepository:

Sounds like you have horrible taste in men, which is typical of young women. The fact that you have let him treat you like garbage shows that you have incredibly low self esteem. It's sad, but I see your type all the time among the gfs of my friends. On paper you understand that your interest in staying with him is completely irrational, but you're addicted to the mistreatment--at this point it's just normal. When mistreatment becomes your "new normal" that's when you know you've messed up in your partner decision.

Fact is, if you DON'T dump this guy you are officially labeled as the doormat in this relationship forever. Your bf is an utter d-bag--5 minutes a month is obscene. NOBODY is that busy. In fact, half of the day in investment banking is sitting around waiting for work, not actually doing work. Much of the 90+ hour work weeks are sitting around on your ass surfing the internet, waiting for work to come in. Your bf is full of sh*t.

'cannot believe I am back on this thread again but have to agree with DCDepository.

Jul 3, 2014

Surprisingly good points, agree.

Jul 3, 2014

I know. you're right. everything you said is true. I need to break up with him. Just having difficulty doing it because it scares me since its been over 2 years . I'm so mad at myself. Instead of just dumping him, IM STILL thinking about giving him an ultimatum and saying, unless he changes I can't do this anymore.

I can't even suck it up and just dump him.

Jul 5, 2014

I did an SA stint where I was able to call the GF everyday. It may have meant sacrificing some sleep, but was well worth it. I doubt he can't find five minutes to call you, when he goes to Starbucks he can do it, when he's eating Seamless he can do it. He's just not that into you, which is unfortunate as you seem incredibly levelheaded and conscientious considering how crazy the IB lifestyle can be.

Jul 4, 2014

I can totally relate to you. Judging from your writing style:speaking of the same thoughts over and over again, doubting yourself, dilemmas, etc, you are in trouble. Just remember one thing: if you can't be cruel to yourself first, you will never win. Indecision is one of the most unattractive traits in a woman, let alone a man.

You are addicted, not to him, to your own feelings, to a pattern you cannot break.

For your last post in this thread, please be laconic and show us your determination. That would be a sexy woman.

You see these many quality men trying to help you out. Why don't you pick one here instead?

Jul 4, 2014

please be laconic

Are you suggesting that she shave her head, wear men's clothing and sit in the dark?

Jul 4, 2014

Here's the immutable law of the universe: any reasonably attractive woman can have a boyfriend THIS MONTH or at the very least get laid 7 days a week if she wants. If a girl is skinny, wears some makeup, and dresses well she can have sex or have a boyfriend whenever she wants. To the OP--you can do better. You want a boyfriend? Put on some makeup and some tight jeans and go volunteer at xxxxxx or put on a tight dress and sit at a bar and you'll have your pick. Don't waste another day with this guy thinking that this is the best you can do--that's crazy.

Also, if you're reasonably attractive you can just join match.com and literally pick among the 20 messages a day you receive from guys. There's no freaking reason at all you should be held hostage by this guy.

Jul 6, 2014

So many of us wanted to drag you out of that black hole, you went on regardless. I say you be with him, understand him more, love him more. see how the future won't be a colossal downhill.

A desirable woman should not suffer one bit, for any man.

Jul 6, 2014

I haven't decided what I'm doing yet. Will post my final decision when i make it. thanks for the input everyone and being real with me.

Jul 6, 2014
snowys435:

I haven't decided what I'm doing yet. Will post my final decision when i make it. thanks for the input everyone and being real with me.

what the guy above me said. he is definitely full of shit if he cannot find 5 minutes to talk to someone he supposedly cares about.

I bet the guy wacks off more than once a week so he definitely has time to call/eat/shower/do other things besides work.

Jul 7, 2014

Not a banker but from my knowledge, people in IB aren't working 100% of the time during 16 hour days. They are there because they are expected to be. Most of the time they are waiting for work to do. So many of my friends who are in banking are on facebook and gmail during the work day. I'm sure there are exceptions to this, but I have noticed this to be true even for those who are in top groups. Not gunna tell you to break up with the guy, but I would definitely call him out because I'm pretty sure he's spewing bullshit.

Jul 8, 2014

Am I the only person who can somewhat sympathize with aforementioned douchebag? When I'm at work, even if I'm not doing anything, I don't feel comfortable taking personal calls. Maybe it's because I like separating my working time vs. my relaxing time. And frankly, the mental energy needed to switch gears like that is not readily summoned at the snap of a finger.

Besides, we all know that when talking with a girl, 5 minutes tends to drag on longer than 5 minutes, right? I barely understand the point of a 5 minute conversation - the only thing you're going to squeeze in is, "How was your day? What did you do last weekend? Okay honey I love you gotta go bye." Is that really worth the effort?

Idk. Maybe I'm a selfish brat too.

(@OP: of course, that doesn't excuse your BF from not calling you during the weekends!)

Currently: future psychiatrist (med school =P)
Previously: investor relations (top consulting firm), M&A consulting (Big 4), M&A banking (MM)

Jul 16, 2014

Surely a troll.

If in the tiny chance that you're not, leave him, but I'm sure you already know that.

Plenty of fish out there blah blah blah. It's a cliche for a reason. You think of the 10 guys you wanted to fuck he's gonna be "the one"? There's a billion guys out there that would bone you. I'm sure there's millions you'd be happy with.

Aug 7, 2014

@snowys435 what did you decide to do in the end? I'm on the east coast and my boyfriend started IBD on the west coast a month ago. At first we were talking a few times a week, and now even both days of the weekend is getting hard.

Aug 10, 2014

just pm'ed you

Sep 13, 2014

I broke up with him today.

Sep 13, 2014
snowys435:

I broke up with him today.

Tryna get stuffed tonight?

Sep 13, 2014

Can you elaborate? Was it related to your original reasons or was it something else (e.g. he broke up with you)?

Sep 13, 2014

No, I broke up with him. He did not break up with me. It's really all the old reasons I guess that I finally saw for what they truly were. After I posted over the summer, I brought up my issues to him and he kept saying he would change but he never did. We would talk for 3 days in a row for like 3 minutes and then it would be back to the usual.

What really set me off was that he finally got vacation and booked a ticket to go on a trip with friends instead of even bothering to ask me if i was free for a visit and gave me the bs excuse that he thought id be busy in med school. I couldn't go back from that I guess where it really hit me that he didn't give a crap about me and other things are more important in his life.

I also started medical school which has been tough and I realized that that In the past couple weeks I haven't been upset about not talking because I was so busy but he wasn't trying any harder. This week was shitty and I needed him and he didn't give a crap and was really self absorbed about having so much work and never answered my calls. And I just had enough. So today I called and told him we have to break up. It took me a lot of courage but I know it was right. It took a long time to convince myself that ending it means ending it and he's not going to come running back to me, even though that's what I've been trying to convince myself of the past 6 months.

    • 1
Sep 13, 2014

Based on the original post, I'm going to say that your probably not capable of a 5 minute conversation.

Sep 13, 2014

@"snowys435" It took you over two months to realize the intellectual munificence of my advice?

Good for you, now stay moved on and go enjoy your life.

Sep 14, 2014

I feel like shit. I have an exam tomorrow. Its ironic how the one time I was able to pluck up courage to do this was right before I had something major happening in my life. I wish I didn't feel so upset and sad. I wish I could be super angry or something. Yet all i can do is cry my eyes about how it ended and how he really never cared enough to want me in his life and how I was just being so hopeful that deep down that wasn't ever the case.

I still have a hard time swallowing how it ended. I called and told him I was breaking up with him and he said " ok. I understand." I asked him if he cared at all and he said he did but his career was more important to him right now. I asked if he even noticed we hadn't talked in a week and he said " no, i had other things on my mind."

And then as the conversation ended he said he had to get back to work because he had two missed called and that was it. I kept hoping that he would text me later and tell me that he realized he made a mistake but I know its never going to happen. I just can't believe I cared about him so much despite being treated like shit once long distance started. I can't believe after 2 and half years he didn't have any emotional response to the break up.

Sep 14, 2014

I'm not trying to berate you when I say this but you sound co-dependent (read the definition of co-dependency) and you need to address that otherwise it will be very difficult for you to lead a happy and fulfilling life. You also need to work on your self-esteem, your outpouring emotional response to every single detail of what happened isn't healthy. Quite frankly that kind of emotional instability isn't a value-add so to speak.

Sep 14, 2014

Lol he dumped you, just made you do the dirty work. Props to him and I hope he enjoys the trip cause I am sure he's been enjoying being single for the past months.

Sep 15, 2014

Was going to say this...just reading this...textbook work. Works every time. Been there before, I can only imagine how happy he is now.

"When you stop striving for perfection, you might as well be dead."

Sep 15, 2014

Didn't sound like a harsh breakup. Maybe you two can remain as freinds and touch base if he's ever not busy...

Move on...go download Tinder or something

Sep 15, 2014

Go read Evan Marc Katz's blog. It's really common sense shit for most of the guys / levelheaded women, but you could benefit from some pep talk: http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog

His e-book, Why He Disappeared, also gives you a pretty good overview of how he was showing signs of wanting the relationship to be over WAY before you even started harping on him.

Currently: future psychiatrist (med school =P)
Previously: investor relations (top consulting firm), M&A consulting (Big 4), M&A banking (MM)

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Sep 16, 2014

Nice blog haha, some interesting articles and response comments.

I like Mark Manson's blog:
http://markmanson.net/archive/?cat=3

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Sep 16, 2014
Going Concern:

I like Mark Manson's blog:

http://markmanson.net/archive/?cat=3

I read Mark Manson too - good shit :)

Currently: future psychiatrist (med school =P)
Previously: investor relations (top consulting firm), M&A consulting (Big 4), M&A banking (MM)

Sep 16, 2014
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"When you stop striving for perfection, you might as well be dead."

May 13, 2019
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