Office Hazing Stories?

TrackBack's picture
Rank: Neanderthal | banana points 2,324

You guys have any good stories? My group doesn't do anything which is probably good in terms of HR but I've heard some decent ones from some of my friends:

  • One group makes all the interns dress like absolute clowns during the last week of their summer. Like tuxedos to the office, cuff-links with off-color collars and suspenders, a bright plaid suit, etc.
  • Another's office has an old typewriter and they make one intern try and write a bunch of random contract stuff on it for a week. If anyone has ever used a typewriter, edits are not the easiest
  • One of my friends was forced by his associate to fake coming out as gay to his really hot female colleague as a joke - that one lowkey crossed a line sorta
  • A bunch of the S&T kids on the credit sales desk had to memorize stupid shit from books and movies and recite it on demand - they got reamed out for getting a single word wrong
  • Those same credit sales kids also were saluting their VPs and saying "sir yes sir" for the first 9 or so months
    • Many of the guys in a 1st-year analyst class at an EB have to choreograph a dance routine for the associates after hours - apparently, they all have to wear some hilarious stuff too and it is videotaped for posterity sake

These are mostly pretty weak though; what do you guys have?

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Comments (39)

Oct 18, 2017

We don't pay our interns. Doing Investment Banking work for free is torture enough, anything more and they won't show up for work.

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Oct 22, 2017

Do you actually not pay your interns? That's fucking brutal.

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Oct 20, 2017

People like you are the worst ... can't afford to throw the kid 20 bucks an hour?

Oct 18, 2017
Brosef Stalin17:

People like you are the worst ... Can't afford to throw the kid 20 bucks an hour?

It's not like I wrote the company policy you dock worker. I just work there.

    • 11
Oct 21, 2017

I have a great deal of experience writing compan policies.

    • 1
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Oct 21, 2017

You fixed it ruining my prior post. Nooooooo!

    • 1
Oct 22, 2017
Keyser Soze 123:
Brosef Stalin17:

People like you are the worst ... Can't afford to throw the kid 20 bucks an hour?

It's not like I wrote the company policy you dock worker. I just work there.

lol, I remember someone on here using 'dock worker' before - classic

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

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Sep 5, 2018

Let me guess: you work at a middle market sweatshop in the Midwest.

The reason I say so is because this hits close to home.

"Work ethic, work ethic" - Vince Vaughn
Oct 18, 2017

Damn my bank is really anti-fun

Oct 18, 2017

During my high school fast food job my boss sent me store to store looking for a left handed screwdriver...

    • 7
Oct 18, 2017

When my friend was an S&T intern, some of the senior guys bought like 200 chicken mcnuggets then made my friend eat as many as he could because one of the MDs randomly wanted to know how many chicken mcnuggets a person could consume in one sitting without getting violently sick

Oct 18, 2017

How many did he(or she) eat?

Oct 22, 2017
mrharveyspecter:

How many did he(or she) eat?

Probably enough to never go near chicken mcnuggets ever ever again.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

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Oct 19, 2017
Big Shot Hopeful:

When my friend was an S&T intern, some of the senior guys bought like 200 chicken mcnuggets then made my friend eat as many as he could because one of the MDs randomly wanted to know how many chicken mcnuggets a person could consume in one sitting without getting violently sick

That's a terrific challenge. As a good intern, I would have devoured all 200 and asked for more just to show them I meant business.

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Oct 22, 2017

Interetesting, I also made our interns consume chicken nuggets during their last day of internship. Unfortunately, only one of them was able to get to 93, the rest gave up at around 50.

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Best Response
Oct 19, 2017

Back in the day, our trading desk was on a floor with a massive bank vault where they stored some physical certificates of value of some sort (can't remember what they were). There was this really nice fat guy in an ill fitting suit that had to push them in a cart. Some of the traders asked him if he would do a basement and back run to the 29th floor for 10% of proceeds on the betting for how long it would take. People went crazy and a few hundred thousand were on the line. He sprinted down and tried running back up, but he stalled 10 floors short and had to slowly make his way up. The entire floor was going crazy. He made it in the midst of where a lot of the bets were. Think he personally took home around $40k, which was probably close to his annual salary at the time (2003).

Oct 18, 2017

LOL I feel alive! Awesome story.

    • 1
Oct 22, 2017

/thread

Oct 22, 2017

Imagine this guy coming home to his wife and explaining a) that he more or less doubled his salary in one day, and b) how he more or less doubled his salary in one day.

Oct 19, 2017

Outside of the standard ball busting, when I first started I asked for everyone's cell phone and a couple people gave me each others' phone numbers. I was texting one of the owners of the company like he was my peer for a while before I figured it out. Luckily I didn't say anything stupid, but in hindsight it could have been awful/hilarious.

    • 1
Oct 19, 2017

Never been hazed in the office but when I was a pledge we had a night during hell week were all of the brothers would drink an entire 12 - 24 pack, depending on what end of the alcoholism spectrum they fell on, and would tape the cans together into a giant "wizard staff" and then proceed to quiz the pledges with trivia questions and beat the christ out of anyone who answered a question wrong with the staff.

What made it so funny though is that everyone would be so drunk while doing it that it would basically just turn into a free for all of drunk brothers slipping all over the wet floor and beating the shit out of each other with beer staffs. It started out somewhat structured before degenerating into a plain mosh-pit.

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Oct 20, 2017
LReed:

Never been hazed in the office but when I was a pledge we had a night during hell week were all of the brothers would drink an entire 12 - 24 pack, depending on what end of the alcoholism spectrum they fell on, and would tape the cans together into a giant "wizard staff" and then proceed to quiz the pledges with trivia questions and beat the christ out of anyone who answered a question wrong with the staff.

What made it so funny though is that everyone would be so drunk while doing it that it would basically just turn into a free for all of drunk brothers slipping all over the wet floor and beating the shit out of each other with beer staffs. It started out somewhat structured before degenerating into a plain mosh-pit.

Yes, fraternity hazing is hilarious!

Signed,

Penn State

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Oct 20, 2017

Fraternity hazing is always hilarious! Verbal degradation is classic!

    • 1
Oct 20, 2017

I liked the part about the 12 to 24 pack

Also the beating part was good

Oct 21, 2017
LReed:

What made it so funny though is that everyone would be so drunk while doing it that it would basically just turn into a free for all of drunk brothers slipping all over the wet floor. It started out somewhat structured before degenerating into a plain mosh-pit of unprotected anal sex.

I can see why the floor was so wet!

    • 2
Oct 20, 2017

EDIT: I guess this is more of a prank....anyways.....

When I was an audit intern back in the day a kid on one of the larger clients left his laptop unlocked while at lunch. If any of you guys have ever done audit, it's a huge thing to always lock your computers at the work site because of confidentiality and other audit BS. While out at lunch, the senior of the audit sent an email to * all * associates up to the manager level in the city office (there were several hundred audit employees at the time) asking if anyone found his red stapler and that he couldn't finish his work without his red stapler. I assume that everyone gets the movie quote...

This was week 2 of the internship and busy season hadn't even begun so for the next few rotations every senior knew who he was. Needless to say he got burned pretty bad at the first few happy hours.

    • 4
Oct 20, 2017

Had a similar experience during my SA time in banking, we called it "ballsacking" in that office. Went to check in with one team and left my computer open, and two analysts who were total trolls sent an email to easily the most hardcore associate we had reading something like "Hi John, I was wondering if you could explain why people trade stocks to me? I've always heard about it but I never knew you could make money that way! Can't wait to hear back what you think about the stock market!". Cc'd every analyst and associate in the office. Happy hour sucked that week.

    • 4
Oct 19, 2017

the founder of one of the mega PE funds took a shit on the desk of a MD right before he quit his analyst job

    • 5
Oct 19, 2017
Whiskey5:

the founder of one of the mega PE funds took a shit on the desk of a MD right before he quit his analyst job

That's pr0. Mad props if he also took a butter knife and spread it around a little

    • 5
Oct 24, 2017

Sounds like my last stool sample.

Oct 20, 2017

who?

Oct 20, 2017

When I was a summer intern on the corporate fx desk at baml, one of the associates sent me out to pick up a super specific fruit order from one of the fruit carts in Bryant Park. I think the list included an apple, a kiwi, a mango, and "half" a banana. It was my first week so I didn't question him. I ended up cutting the banana in half in the kitchen because I felt uncomfortable asking the fruit cart lady.

I returned sheepishly with this plastic bag full of fruit, handed it to the associate, and he immediately tossed the whole bag in the garbage can under his desk. He just looked up at me and said thanks. I saw another analyst smiling but nobody else reacted so I just said "no problem" and walked back to my desk.

That set the tone for the summer. I was also absolutely terrible at my job.

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Oct 20, 2017

1) In my first week on the job, I had to call the MD of a fund we work with and explain some document to them over the phone. Of course, this person has a gender neutral name - a woman picked up the phone and said hello...I said "May I speak to Mr. X".....

"This is she"...

So, that was awkward. 5 minutes into the call with her and one of the other kids who started in my class whiffed a ball and hit me square in the face mid-sentence. Continued explaining the minutiae of some contract without missing a beat, but it was a tense/hilarious moment.

  1. We used to shoot rubber bands at each other from across the room to pass the time. Once I swiveled around to ask my buddy a question about something right as he was shooting a band at me. It hit me right in the center of my open eye.

No harm done, but was hilarious convincing him he hand blinded me for a few minutes and watching him squirm.

Etc.

Funniest
Oct 20, 2017

Our first year we were at the office getting ready to go to one of those impact day things and my buddy forgot so he shows up wearing business clothes but we had to work in the garden all day. He ran to the store near the office and got some casual clothes and while he was out we got the idea to prank him. When he came back we told him he could change in the SVPs office as she was not coming in that day (when in fact she was in the kitchen getting coffee). Before he went in one of the girls, who was super hot, took it up a notch by flirting with him and getting him all riled up. He goes in the office to change and 30 seconds later the SVP walks into her office and there he is in his undies, with an erection... the SVP kicked him out in his underpants while he was apologizing profusely and trying to explain he didn't realize she was there. He didn't live that down for the next year. Even the SVP would jab him once in a while: "JB, this meeting is important so please make sure you wear pants before meeting the clients! And if you don't, for god's sake don't show up in whitey tighties!"

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Oct 20, 2017

Have a close friend who interned for numerous summers at a solid MM IB in the midwest. He was in S&T, and became very close with the VPs and MDs of the firm. Hes one of those people who is a great guy, but a little.... odd. Essentially, one of the MDs had him drive 45 min into Chicago and hop into a town car as their driver for the day. He wore a full tux, and even one of those little
driver hats
https://www.halloweencostumes.com/adult-chauffeur-... . The MD and his wife got blacked and went around the city having a fucking blast while my poor friend was stuck as their chauffeur. He also had to bring them hundreds of dollars worth of wine on numerous occasion, and was forced to drive pretty far to get some of the rarer bottles. All that said, he was treated like family, and has an outstanding relationship with the guys at the firm. I am currently doing what I can to work there, sounds like a hell of a culture.

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Oct 22, 2017

We left a note on one of the interns desk, it said something like "Mike, while you were out you received a call from XXX, please call back Mr. Bear at this number: xxxxxxxx"

It was the number for the zoo and the intern actually called. We told everyone in the row of cubes what we were doing and when the kid asked to talked to Mr. Bear, everyone erupted with laughter.

This one isn't original but I can't recommend it enough.

    • 5
Oct 22, 2017
sl55amg:

We left a note on one of the interns desk, it said something like "Mike, while you were out you received a call from XXX, please call back Mr. Bear at this number: xxxxxxxx"

It was the number for the zoo and the intern actually called. We told everyone in the row of cubes what we were doing and when the kid asked to talked to Mr. Bear, everyone erupted with laughter.

This one isn't original but I can't recommend it enough.

That was bad. Please do not mention this again for the sake of the well being of the human race.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

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Oct 24, 2017
    • 1
Oct 24, 2017

Dayman?

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