Burnout
Hi all,
First time posting here but didn’t know where else to turn. I’m coming up on a year at my firm, wfh almost the entire time, and I think I’m reaching burnout. I spent a little over a year at a larger bank before moving to a different city to work at a boutique that promised a better work life balance, but I’ve been working 80+ hour weeks this entire time, and the stress and loneliness is starting to get to me.
I generally like my team, but because of the wfh I barely actually know them, and for a while around the holidays we had a ton of fire drills so basically never know when my already busy week could get fucked. I work with two industry groups most of the time: one has great people but is very chaotic, and one has more structure but the VP can be super mean. The two groups won’t work with each other on staffing so for a while I ended up really over staffed on pitches.
I’ve started to have panic attacks randomly throughout the day and when I get even really mild comments on anything. I always feel like I’m falling behind. I never know anymore if I did a good job on things because I’m always dissociated mentally. I feel so guilty when I do anything less than perfect because with work from home and covid and my family being far away, this job is all I really have and if I can’t even do a good job, what’s the point of any of it?
We got great 2020 bonuses and I get good feedback from MDs, but they say the same shit to all of the analysts so I have no idea if I’m actually on track for promotion next year or not.
Am I just weak? Is anyone else feeling this way? I feel so guilty when I think about quitting because I know how lucky I am to have a job in banking, especially as a girl, but I just feel so lonely and tired and empty all the time. I hated my first firm but I kind of miss being in the bullpen with the whole crew and going for dinner breaks together and the whole office vibe— now I just sit at my desk alone all day and all night in the glow of the seasonal depression lamp my MD made me buy.
I want it to end so badly
I haven't traveled your exact path, but the nature of this industry is grueling at times, and I have a penis. The one piece of advice I can offer that is universal is you can do anything you believe..... That might be lame as fuck but Dr. Jason Selk wrote an excellent book on mental toughness, and if you can see him in person I highly encourage it. It's called executive toughness, and i think the perspective is valuable.... If your really curious I might have a copy around the house I could sent to you.
I started to develop small panic attacks whenever I got any email six months as a first year analyst, especially when I was done with my workstreams and thought it was a new staffing. This became a lot worse during COVID for some reason (and probably as a build up of my years in IB as I'm now a 3rd year) to the point where now I get short of breath when I'm asked to do anything where I could mess up. For example, every time I go outside to grab some fast food for my family and I try to remember each person's orders, I get short of breath and nervous / scared about messing up one of the orders and having them be angry at me. I've seen others talk about panic attacks on this forum too recently but not sure what's the best way to get rid of this as I never really felt this way so much before.
I've always been a perfectionist even before IB and I'm not sure if this extra focus on perfection and the desire to not get things wrong or make mistakes has now crept into everything I do to the extent where it's mentally affecting me. I've tried methods like "What's the worst that could happen?" but it's honestly not been too helpful as it really hurts me if I mess up or disappoint someone. I've also grown more impatient for sure due to banking (I realized this even before COVID), which has not really helped either. IB has really helped me though in many positive ways for sure, but I'm leaving banking very soon and I'm trying to get rid of these bad effects of banking.
Hey, it can be pretty lonely out there these days but it sounds like you are doing well. It’s easy to wrap your whole identity in work and the feedback of the MD’s and the bullpen, etc. but those are just ppl with their own lives and problems who have only limited brainwaves about you and your needs. Find yourself another outlet to get through this patch. Workout, hike, checkout places you want to go on google earth, take pictures of nature, learn to cook (it’s fun but tedious), get a plant (like the guy in the Professional) whatever you do, don’t quit. Burnout sucks but it’s a growth phase and your team needs you. Let work be your distraction from burnout. Plus if your MD encouraged you to get a seasonal light lamp, that means they: a) been there and b) are rooting for you. Lmk how it goes. Summer is coming!
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