Citigroup is Paradise

The start of a treacherous climb
You already had decided that you wanted to pursue investment banking in high school when you had watched countless rareliquid videos on building a Tesla DCF from scratch in under 2 hours. When deciding on colleges to attend, you wanted to be out of state and away from the destined for back office goobers of your high school.

In the spring of senior year, your results came in, and it was very underwhelming to say. You frantically search up on WSO the schools you were accepted into to see if they had any meaningful recruiting for specific banks. You decided to accept the offer to attend your semi-target school (think BC/UNC/UGA/Penn State) from out of state, and you thought to yourself, "I can just mention that I'm attending my school because I received a great scholarship."

Freshman year
You spent your freshman year joining the introductory clubs and building rapport with your mid-tiered fraternity brothers who are in the campus feeder (think IBA/UFS/Corsair/Nittany) clubs. You spend countless hours on WSO reading the threads trying to get a better understanding of recruiting because your big "James" - who is recruiting concurrently - is ignoring the Litquidity memes that you sent him about Saving Capital Markets. Whatever, the kid is destined for a shitter middle market like William Blair or RBC regardless.

The fall to change your trajectory
You came into your sophomore year guns blazing, filled with excitement at the thought of securing a coveted spot on the Fall roster of the campus' premier investment banking organization. Remember James? He had somehow landed at one of the elite boutiques. "What did he do to prove he was extraordinary?" you wondered. No matter, you resolved to learn and do exactly what was required. You reassured yourself that elite boutiques surely only took the most qualified and promising future stars of the financial services industry. Your investment fund mentor, an incoming intern, had mentioned that these firms provided the highest amount of responsibility and skill set development among all others. It was time to target them.

Soon enough, after a few grueling weeks of grinding, you were accepted into the school club, having absolutely crushed the brain-teasers given by your interviewer, who was headed to a lower-BB (think Barclays/DB/UBS). "If those are the questions they expect, then there's no way I won't land somewhere like Lazard or Guggenheim," you thought confidently.

Fast-forward to winter break: you dedicated yourself, spending 5 hours a day, 6 days a week, mastering accounting and every technical challenge these banks could throw at you. Scouring the shared drive for resources, you recalled a brother's recommendation to check out Adventis and IBVine, which could help you nail these parts. You glanced at IBVine and scoffed, "Made by some bum product manager from Ross? Imagine not making it into investment banking." You immerse into your preparation, determined to prove what you're made of and secure your place among the financial elite.

Semester IV: A New Hope
It’s now March of the new year. It’s been almost two years of school, and you have nothing to show for it besides an additional 10 pounds, a dependency for shitty alcohol, and an ever longing desperate desire to go to the big leagues. The past few weeks have been hell. Your sleepless nights preparing for networking calls (that now feel futile) and reading up on the most recent news has left you a shell of your former self.

You thought about your failures in January and February for not getting past the Moelis first rounds. "What is a sale lease-back, and can you give me an example of when it might be used?" an MBA associates asserts. "I thought they only asked accounting" you thought to yourself. You knew it then, that you were not getting past the gatekeepers from hell. 3 super days, 10 first rounds with boutiques and the regional office leaves you again, still empty-handed. Realizing that you may not be collecting that milky 125/130 base salary, you have to switch gears to the bulge bracket banks that haven't sent out any recruitment information yet. It's not the worst thing to do, and you still have a shot to land at a global organization with presence in every major financial hub.

Flash forward a few weeks. You get anxious waiting for hearing back from your recruiting teams to send out official second rounds for your new safety list: Wells Fargo, Raymond James, and Leerink. "Fuck. What the hell is a Leerink" you think to yourself, "I can't end up at these absolutes duds." Suddenly, out of nowhere, Citi decides to start their recruitment cycle - a promise their restructuring process is finished: an inbound with a superday. "No way I fuck this up." You end up scouring the internet for any leads to what makes Citi unique to these other LMM shitbanks. You learned of the recent deals and dynamics brought in by the CEO Jane Fraser. "Yeah, I definitely won't mention or even ask about that." You ended up finding an old thread and talked to past employees of the firm and learned that they value two things: growth coverage and their supergroups.

The beginning of the end
The interviews go well. You navigate the easy technical three-step accounting questions for asset sales and write-offs with ease - obviously no credit to your preparation for Evercore RX. You answer your 'Why Citi' with enough passion and glaze to cause a domestic violence complaint in your 3-bed 2-bath apartment in your shitty college town.

A few hours later, you receive a call from a 917 number from Manhattan. You quickly swipe to answer. "Congratulations, we are excited to extend you an offer to join the summer analyst class of 2025." You say yes on the spot to end this pathetic excuse of a recruiting season. You smugly text your buddy at the T2 club that you got an offer (think BCIC/BlueBridge/Apollo/PSIA) to shit on his hopes of landing a BULGE BRACKET.

You rush to your computer and search up a logo of Citi. The commercial bank logo pops up, but you quickly type group to find their normal logo to post on LinkedIn.

Shitibank is paradise.