Investment banking forum

Listen here pipsqueak, you're already behind the 8-ball, which you should have already snorted by now. Also, side note, don't smoke pot in middle school, grow up and do cocaine like a real banker.

Listen, at this stage of the game, you're late. You're extinct, you're in back office ops at best, you're a nobody. People that want to be an investment banker are BORN as investment bankers. People like Jamie Dimon and Lloyd Blankfein want NOTHING to do with you. While you're out there, doing flash cards during fourth period at some prep school, Wang Chung is out there at some non-target building motherfucking algos and credit default swaps at recess.

You think you can just walk into some TARGET high school and leave your non-target elementary education past behind you?! Think again, Champ. Everyone knows everyone. You will get LAUGHED out of the room with that middle school name on your LinkedIn profile. Everyone here knows that you don't live, breathe, and bleed investment banking, you impostor. You think you can just get into some target high school, cheat off of your buddies on the SAT, and get into an Ivy, before walking into Goldman Sachs. GOLDMAN FUCKIN' SACHS?! No. Not a chance, zero, zip, nada.

Although I hate you and everything you represent, here are a few tips to make it in the big leagues:

Walk into the high school, find the biggest, baddest looking motherfucker in the senior class and punch him right in the face. Keep pummeling his ass until he stops moving. Double points if their name is Elizabeth Warren or Hank Paulson. Find some middle market investment banking kid (probably one of the Steven Glansburg's sitting alone at lunch) and eat his god damn lunch right in front of him after you already ate your fill of your Seamless. Then: crotch chop, double pistols, pounds chests "BULGE BRACKET FOR LYFE BABAYYYYY!!!!" kicks front door open plays round of golf during sixth period Bangs Tim Geithner's mom at the 19th hole During P.E. (physical education, not private equity, you overexcited douche), find the Compliance and Risk Management dorks (probably the same losers that wear underwear in the shower). Scream at them and let them know that you're trying to feed at the subprime lending trough when the rest of the cool 8th-graders are doing the same thing, making hella money, and smoking pot and playing bridge under the football bleachers. Threaten them, belittle them, and then avoid detention by telling the Principal that you're "Doing God's work." Just be fuckin' cool. You can't teach it; you just live it. Be the high school all-state quarterback, fuck the prom queen(s), and just live the pre-banker life, son. -abc 123 burner