Just Got Laid Off from My Boutique IB for Asking for a Mousepad—AMA

Needed to vent after the most absurd 24 hours of my life. I was let go from my 6-man boutique IB (located above a vape shop in midtown) for “performance issues.” Translation: I asked if I could have a mousepad because the glass desk was giving me carpal tunnel and my MD said, and I quote:

“We didn’t have mousepads in Iraq, and we don’t need them here.”

Not even mad—just impressed.

Some context: The firm specializes in middle-market M&A, by which I mean we do 1 deal every 18 months and the rest of the time the MD tweets about grit.

Our head of HR is just the MD’s wife forwarding emails from ADP.

One of the analysts prints out Excel models to do “physical sensitivity analysis” (a.k.a. highlighter stress testing).

I’ve been grinding 100-hour weeks for the past 9 months, eating Chipotle out of a conference room drawer like a rat with an MBA. My associate hasn’t seen sunlight since the Evergrande default.

Things that happened before I was fired:

I asked for a mentor. Got assigned a guy who left banking in 2007 and now runs a “crypto lifestyle brand.

My VP tried to “motivate me” by sending me a cold email he wrote that once got an MD to open it. The email said, “Hope this finds you crushing it.”

We used PowerPoint to build an LBO model because “Excel feels too rigid.”

When I asked for a mousepad, the MD snapped and said I “wasn’t built for high finance.” Sir, you once told a client their company had “sexy EBITDA.” Sit down.

Anyway, I’m out. Just filed for unemployment and updated my LinkedIn to “Financial Visionary (seeking aligned synergies).”

AMA while I still have Wi-Fi.