Record Dealflow Is Paradise

POV:

You did it, you busted your ass 16 hours a day for 365 straight days at the top group of your top BB. You ate "pls fix" sandwiches everyday, with a side serving of "I'm interested in a scenario where…" for lunch and dinner, personally arranged by your Director who really is proving that, at 33 years old, he can run a process.

Two weeks ago, you eagerly tune in to the 8:30am earnings call. Your CFO is thrilled to announce that this is your banks best YoY performance of all time. "Let's fucking go", you think, as you give a soft grin and pump your fist really low as to not alert the VP a few offices away that you're having any modicum of fun. You pop open a spreadsheet and start a mini-budget for that 75% mid-bucket bonus that you're an absolute lock for. That second cup of coffee hasn't kicked in yet, so you quietly daydream for the next 10 minutes about how much pus you're going to get balling out at Phebes with your $50k post-tax paycheck.

Today you get called in to the staffers office. You walk in, swinging your shoulders slowly like a member of the peaky blinders. "Great job this year, A1. A few things we want to see improved, but overall well done. Mid bucket performance." You lightly grin and say "thanks, excited to be even better this year."VP doesn't seem to be sharing the same smile. He's looks almost concerned. He delivers in an emotionless tone: "Your bonus for this year is $35,000."

After the disappointment subsides and the hour + of vehement scrolling on WSO, you realize everyone got fucked. The only thing ringing in your head is that cheesy fuck of a CFO so proudly boasting your firms best year of all time.

Only thing left to do now is see how far that $19,000 post-tax will carry you in SWE education.

Best of luck next year friends.

Here's to another record year.

Comments (16)

Funniest
  • Intern in IB - Gen
Aug 4, 2022 - 3:27pm

Next chapter: On Cycle is Paradise

  • Analyst 1 in IB-M&A
Aug 4, 2022 - 11:10pm

Love this recent trend of Finance Fan fiction - reminds me of the younger days on Wattpad

  • Intern in IB-M&A
Aug 8, 2022 - 2:54pm

How much is an1 base at FTP again there's no way I heard you right the first time oh my god 140k that's like so much money like super duper high jesus christ bro please let me suck your dick for an interview I just need my foot in the door hell I'll do it for a hr screen

Aug 5, 2022 - 2:05am
grantmeaname, what's your opinion? Comment below:

"pls fix" sandwiches

I see what you did there

And can it ever be?

  • 1
Most Helpful
Aug 6, 2022 - 3:07am
pipole4, what's your opinion? Comment below:

COO, HR, staffers and team heads in the bonus discussion

HR: "So we propose our mid-tier bucket A1 to be paid $145k - that's $110k fix +35k bonus

MD:"You guys are sure? That's the same total comp as last year and we still have $3bn of that Citrix deal on our books that's looking like it will drive down the bonus pool at year end"

COO"We know, but we need to do what we can to attract and retain talent and we feel this is what it will take. Flat total comp year on year is aggressive since IB is not delivering the same RoA but we have to take a hit."

Staffer: "you guys realize that the analysts will not take into account the fact that salaries went up $30k and will just compare bonuses vs last year right?"

HR/MD/COO: "well, that's moronic"

Source: conversation that happened somewhere, maybe

Look at total comp, And look at IB resulta. Big banks are performing because of 1) trading volatility and 2) uplift in NII. Neither come from the work of Investment bankers.

The formula for a stellar bonus for analysts in IB is stars alignment:

  • division performs strongly
  • bank performs well (no stupid loss from a large tail event)
  • outlook is good

I don't think that 1) and 3) happening this year

  • Works at Bank of America Merrill Lynch
Aug 7, 2022 - 12:37pm

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