What do you think of this cold email?
Hi WSO, I am a rising sophomore non-target finance student (3.61 GPA, solid extracurriculars, interned this summer in a corporate strategy / data analytics role). I’m extremely interested in working in leveraged finance post-graduation. As such, I’m going to be reaching out to LevFin (MM) and PE ($100M AUM) analysts / associates this fall (mostly from my school or other non-targets). I’m really just looking to see how they got where they are now and build relationships--I’m not desperate for an internship right now, although I’d like to get a PE internship in the spring or summer of 2021 (I think it's the best option given sophomore LevFin gigs are nonexistent, especially for a non-target). This is the cold email format I’m going to be using, what do you think? I don’t plan on attaching my resume unless they ask me for it.
Subject: [Non-target school] student seeking career advice
Good morning/Hello [First Last],
My name is yung_credit and I am a rising sophomore at non-target majoring in finance. I have taken a strong interest in leveraged finance and private equity and have begun to reach out to professionals in these fields.
I understand you're very busy, but I'd really like an opportunity to talk to you about your path to a career at [bank / PE firm] and advice you might have for an aspiring finance professional. Please let me know if you would be willing to connect for a few minutes.
Thank you in advance, yung_credit
Here is my Edits:
Good morning/Hello [First Last],
My name is yung_credit and I am a sophomore at non-target majoring in finance. I have taken a strong interest in leveraged finance and private equity and am reaching out to learn more about these fields.
I understand you're busy, but I would like an opportunity to talk to you about your path to a career at [bank / PE firm] and advice you might have for an aspiring finance professional. Please let me know if you would be willing to connect for a few minutes.
Thank you in advance, yung_credit
Thanks, I’ll consider these—subtle changes could make a big difference in keeping the reader’s attention.
I just have a big problem with people calling themselves "rising". Just personal Opinion, but I think a little more humility goes a long way.
Lol do you know what rising means?
Your original template comes off as being pushy. Here's how I'd edit it:
Good morning/Hello [First Last],
My name is yung_credit and I am a rising sophomore at non-target majoring in finance. I am strongly interested in pursuing a career in leveraged finance/private equity, and am always looking to speak with professionals in the industry such as yourself.
If you might have some time in the next couple of weeks, I was wondering if we could hop on the phone to quickly chat about your experiences? I'd love to learn more about your background at [Bank /PE firm] and any advice you might have for younger students.
Best, yung_credit
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