wtf am I doing
anyone else feel like they have no idea what the heck is going on with their life directionally? I know this type of high finance is not the most healthy, but I have no idea what I want to pivot into that I might as well just stay.
Additionally, I have no idea what type of lifestyle I want to seek for myself. Pursing a career in high finance leads into a social circle of such wealthy and honestly pretty toxic community. While being rich seems nice and all, sometimes I just want simplicity and happiness. Still, the lifestyle still seems really tempting and i have no idea which direction to follow. How do I even begin to figure all this out?
LSD and/or shrooms will show you the way
Yeah, because the dirty hippies making grilled cheese sandwiches in the parking lot at a grateful dead concert are soooo enlightened
focus exclusively on status / wealth. Ranking system makes everything a competition instead of collaboration. Constantly belittling people in the name of "jokes" calling people poor, fat, ugly ect.
Damn drop the name of the banks do you guys work for, genuinely can't believe people talk like that. At my firm everyone is literally stereotypically PC and I don't even think I've heard anyone swear before. Not saying I like it like that i'm just surprised there could be such a sharp contrast between firms.
edit: I just realised I'm black and I guess thats why everyone is squeaky clean around me
Whenever I feel lost, I ask myself what I want out of my life. I do not believe in reincarnation, afterlife or a higher order being, so this is my only chance to make some impact in this world. For you that could be making an impact in finance or just being wealthy. We all have different desires and level of expectations with ourselves, so you should consider asking yourself what would truly make you happy when you are lying on your deathbed and look back at what you have done. Hopefully that shows you some direction.
About the high finance culture: I once interviewed at this HF where they liked my application (several tasks to do before interview) and I got the interview (which apparently only 1% got). I have to say I didn't prepare properly for the interview (because of several reasons, but obviously could have done better), but everything was professional until I met with one of the Partners who looked down on me. He looked at me only twice and loved talking about how intelligent and how great (risk-adjusted) returns they had. It felt like I was judged (I am pretty sure it was because of my background) and treated accordingly in less than 1 minute. At the end I asked some questions which he didn't expect and was shocked about me asking that (it wasn't a smart finance related question but it still made him think for some time).
I hope all these rich arrogant mfs lose everything.
"Do you like it in the a**?"
Hey OP, really feel for you - not sure if it helps to say this, but as a single 32yr old guy in PE (previously IB) I feel exactly the same way as you ten years into my career!
As you say it’s a really difficult one - first of all don’t get me wrong, even despite the hours IB/PE is very well paid for the work we do, and I couldn’t imagine what it must be like supporting a family on say $30k a year.
But having said that, I have to warn you - it doesn’t get any easier to exit the lifestyle over time. I think I’m the same as/similar to you, in that I generally enjoy (or at least don’t mind) the job day-to-day, and I’m making $250-300k a year - pretty good compared to most people? Well despite this I still wrest with anxiety and low-level depression (been on medication for a while) as well as the existential questions you raised.
So what do I mean by it doesn’t get any easier? Well although you earn more and (hopefully) have a lot more saved over time, you also get used to having money. And I don’t even mean driving a Lambo and “making it rain” in a club lol - but more just fundamental stuff like always having savings, never worrying about the cost of a meal out or supermarket shop (it’s been years since I looked at prices properly in the supermarket), being able to go on expensive holidays at short notice and stay in 5-star hotels.
So imagine leaving all that behind? I think having experienced it and then going back to budgeting/living modestly would suck more than never having had it at all really (at least imho). Also like you, I want to do something meaningful with my life but have no idea what - also realistically no other industry is going to pay me anywhere near we much, and there are a lot worse/more boring jobs out there tbh.
Sorry that probably doesn’t help you much lol (wish I did have the answers!) - but just know that you’re definitely not alone in this existential angst. Maybe see a therapist as others have suggested? I’ve been meaning to try it out but haven’t worked up the courage yet haha