Becoming disillusioned with Wall St. after finding out my dad only has a few weeks to live
Longtime user so throwaway account for obvious reasons. I (early 20s) found out recently that my dad has had cancer for a few years and now only has a few weeks to live. A bit of context, my dad has been in big law for nearly four decades. He never smoked, he worked out frequently, and I could count on one hand the number of drinks I’ve seen him have the entire time I’ve known him. His condition has deteriorated so quickly that only a few weeks ago, he was walking around (albeit with a limp), talking normally. He’s now bedridden, fully aware he’s going to die, and totally powerless to do anything about it. I couldn’t imagine what he’s going through, especially after the decades of hard work– to see that this is how it all ends. No happy ending, no golden years of retirement, that’s it. I’m planning on lying to him this week about the results of a ft process that’s ongoing (had 1r last week but haven’t heard anything back yet so I’m not too confident I’ll actually get an AC), regardless of what actually happens, so he can die knowing that his son accomplished the thing him and I discussed so very extensively. After seeing him recently, I’m not sure I’ll get another chance. My initial reaction to the news was to push harder on breaking into a full-service firm, in spite of what happened. Now, I’m not so sure the money and prestige is all so worth it. I guess I’ll continue forward but I can’t help thinking that, despite having so much of both, he’s not going to be saved by either. What I don’t understand is that he could’ve gotten out years ago. It’s not a matter of money. I know it’s not that after seeing how much I’ll be inheriting. So why stay in even when he admitted to hating the job? I’m not sure if this is a trauma dump or if I’m seeking advice or what my goal is with this post in all honesty. I can’t talk to my mom and younger sibling about this– need to be strong for them. They’re both much worse off than me as a result of this happening. Friends don’t know aside from one or two close ones and I don’t intend to tell anyone else. Honestly, I just don’t know what to think after hearing that I’m going to lose the person I’m closest to in my life.
I’m sorry man. Head up
don’t lie to him … you want your last moments with him to be built on a lie?
Disagree. This is the eastern way. By lying to him you shoulder some of his worry until he dies.
Facts. I guarantee his dad doesn't give two shits about full time Wall Street recruiting. Just be there for him, especially when he passes. He probably scared of dying and wants company.
It is very unfortunate, but stay strong with your family. Allow yourself to reassess what's truly important in life for you. If there's anything certain in life, it's that we all have limited time left to live. Making a living is critical, but how you do it depends on what your values are.
In the grand scheme of things, the fact if you get the offer now really doesn't matter imho just be there for him and with him, just please cherish the last moments you can spend together, that's what really matters. I don't suggest lying, but rather be transparent and say that you are recruiting and you'll secure an offer sooner or later. At the end of the day, the life is not about money and job offers, but rather the fact he can pass away surrounded by the loved ones.
Praying for you both
I can't speak for you, but I would use this time to thank him for making you the person you are and telling him how much you love him / the time you had together. Hope you get through this.
100% done lie to him. you will remember that every day afterwards. tell him truth, ask his advice if it was worth it etc and if he wished a different path. promise to serve in the military I'm sure that will make him more proud and I'm sure there will sadly be a financial inheritance so you wont need to kill yourself in IB. but don't make last days a lie IMO.
FWIW I've been having the very same thoughts.
Wish you the best my friend.
What kind of cancer? Sorry to hear about that either way, awful situation.
This type of situation will absolutely shake your perception on things, and I believe its the one catalyst that people go through that immediately changes who they are as person. When my mom was diagnosed with cancer I lost all sense of what I wanted to do with my life. I just wanted to be at home and do nothing. But, and this is just how I rationalized things, I started to realize that I'm not the only person who is/was going through something like this. That feeling of isolation really makes the whole situation worse, it makes you feel lonely and come to terms that I'm going to lose my parents. Putting things into perspective is what helped me, knowing that people pass away everyday, some due to war/famine/ecological/illness/accidents...
It's the one thing in life that no one can prepare for. Take things one day at a time, losing a loved one will create a hole in your identity. But there is no timeline for recovery. You just have to piece yourself back together, because it's what you dad would want for you.
Use WSO if you want to cry, share memories, etc... Just know you have a community to help with this chapter in your life.
Take care, stranger.
Very sorry to hear this. Certainly hits hard- the prospect of those golden years fading away, of "later" never coming. A good reminder to us all.
I echo the other posters about advising you not to lie to your dad- I believe in eternal life and the immortal soul, which means that in death he'll know the truth anyway. Better to tell him how it's going, how you'll keep pushing to make him proud.
Leave it all on the table- everything you wish you told him or asked him. Ask him why he stuck with his job- maybe he realized he'd rather occupy his time and mind than to go home (especially if you and your siblings were away anyways). Maybe there is some other reason- things he'd want to share with you or get off his chest. And if you can't bring yourself to say these things, maybe write him a letter.
Put yourself 10 years into the future and imagine what you'll wish you had done or said.
Prayers for you and your father.
First and foremost, I am so sorry that this is happening. Loss is a part of life, but for it to occur in this fashion is extremely difficult. My father died unexpectedly when I was young and it was devastating.
I think the first thing you need to do is process the reality of this. I have always heard that making life altering decisions while you are grieving / going through something traumatic should be avoided when possible. So assuming that advice is correct (I’m not a therapist), I would think the first step is to maintain course in your professional life. You of course will grieve and need to process / work through the many emotions this has and will bring up. But making a life changing decision amidst all of those emotions may be a temporary fix rather than going to the root of the problem.
After properly working through your father’s death and emotionally processing it (not saying it will ever be an easy subject but the goal is to come to peace with it), I think it will be easier to make a clear decision on what you want for you life. For me, I framed it as thinking about how I could honor my father’s legacy while still pursuing my own goals and aspirations. So, maybe start there.
(1) What do you want? (2) What would your father have wanted? (3) Is there a way to meet in the middle where you can be at peace?
I know you have a long road ahead and that working through this will be difficult. Stay strong and try to celebrate your father’s life and legacy amidst the pains of your loss.
Prayers for yourself and your family.
I wish you (and anyone else experiencing this) all the best in times like this. Based on this post, I can tell that you are eager to make your father proud, and I know that you will be able to. Best of luck.
praying for you and your family. take care and take time to slowly process everything you're feeling .
Dude... First and foremost sorry to hear this, can't imagine. Sounds like you are fortunate enough to not need to work to get by on a weekly/ monthly basis. Screw the corporate world for now... Fly home asap, be with your dad. Can't tell if you're in school or not. If you're in a job right now, tell HR and your bosses, they will allow you time to be with your family and grieve. Tell the recruiters the circumstances. Grieving will be hard enough... be there for your dad, your mom, and sibling. Everything else can wait, it will be there once you are on your grieving journey. You will never forgive yourself for not focusing on family during this time.
You
i am so sorry to hear - as someone who grew up with an abusive father who i no longer speak with, i would do ANYTHING to have a good father.
i went the life path of dirt poor fgli with abusive family --> crappy ass public schools --> t20 target school --> eb ibd --> mf pe --> sm hf, and absolutely NONE of that has filled the hole in my heart from growing up without a father figure in my life.
all my success ever did for me was allow me to be the father i never had to my kids, but the hole in my heart will always be there.
take care of your father and don't count the days he has left to live - make the days count and then go on to have a life that he would be proud of you for creating for yourself. you will not regret it. there are so many people like me who would do ANYTHING to have a good father, and i would take care of him in his final moments.
i am so sorry to hear and sending you and your family all my love during this time.
Hey man, sorry to hear about that. If you don't mind sharing, was you father verbally abusive? Like always pointing out faults in you, or never in a good mood? My dad had a few faults of his own, and I'm trying to not repeat the same mistakes from my kids. I'd like to know what to avoid.
yeah, he was both physically and verbally abusive.
every time i felt like quitting, i reminded myself that there are wall street billionaires like david tepper who grew up under abusive fathers, put my head down, and just worked even harder.
even after i got into a t20 target school, he got the numbers wrong on my fafsa and css and always got his forms late, which resulted in me getting way less financial aid than i should have, and he also regularly threatened to withhold tuition money.
investment banking is the career that allowed me to leave him forever, and i never looked back!
today, im at a sm hf, just welcomed my first child with my wife, and it's such a relief that my abusive father is no longer a part of my life and will never meet my kid(s).
My condolences OP
My father passed away from cancer last year while I was still in my analyst program. It absolutely rocked me, particularly given how quickly it transpired and how it affected my mom
It made me realise how futile this world is. I took about 2-3 months off to go back home when he was on the decline / when he passed. All that mattered over that period was to be there, present and open with your loved ones.
It sounds like you and your dad are very close - my dad was somewhat tough on me growing up but as I entered college we had a much more positive relationship and I realized how much this shaped me to become a genuinely better person. It’s my only regret that I never told him how much I appreciated him as a father - please don’t lie to him as it can eat you up down the line
So sorry, man. This is rough and my heart goes out to you and your family. I've lost both my parents and a hard reality is, I wasn't the best son (but also life at home wasn't great either; I come from a very rough background). I didn't visit as much as I should have, I let life get in the way. I wouldn't lie if I was in your shoes, but cherish these last moments. Despite what you're about to go through (and I've been there), looking back being able to say you had honest conversations is worth more than panhandling for "prestige" or "recognition" or "approval" or what you seem to fear "disapproval". I'd bet my whole life's income your dad is very proud of you already, give him the decency of honesty and enjoy the last ride together. Sounds like you have a great father, I didn't have the best parents, but I still have regrets. Hang in there, the pain stays, but severity will lessen fwiw.
My condolonces. I won't get too much into it, but I understand what you're going through - I'm also the oldest sibling who saw our dad suffer from brain cancer. It's a horrible thing to go through.
My two cents as someone (M29) who just left a ~7 year career in IB/PE: don't feel bad if you skip out on finance. You're not necessarily missing out on anything.
I am grateful for the lessons and experiences it gave me, but it's important to be real with yourself on your values. IB/PE is just a risk-averse path to upper-middle class - maybe you highly value that, or maybe life's too short and you want a more normal life. Either one is okay, just pick the one that aligns with what you value, and understand that you can be happy and fulfilled with either path.
I commented above on this, but just want to surface this comment more. We are all risk adverse to our core, hence why we all chose this path (love anyone to challenge me on that especially if >5 years or more in the industry). It's funny, when you're young this life is so coveted, now in my 30s my regrets are so real. To be clear, I wouldn't trade the experiences, lessons learned, and knowledge gained, but again I have lots of regrets ('tis life I guess). Of all the comments, whoever wrote this is wiser beyond their years. I think this comment should be shouted from the rooftops for every young guy / gal embarking on this adventure.
I’m sorry to hear this and I feel your pain. My dad died after a years long illness a couple of weeks before I got an offer, after not getting an internship the summer before and having to do ft recruiting. Leading up to his death I started to wonder if it even was worth it. Like your dad, my dad also toiled away at his job without ever getting to reap the benefits of his decades of hard work. It was and is still very painful to think about. But after his death I felt he would not have wanted me to give up on my dream, so I continued to pursue it. Not sure what your beliefs are but I believe my dad is up there, somewhere, proud of what I’ve accomplished. As others have noted, please don’t lie to him. Just be present and cherish the time you have left together.
Im so sorry to hear this, condolences and I hope you and your family will be ok. Can't imagine how difficult it is to go through this
Ducimus enim illum modi distinctio quasi aliquam aut voluptas. Ad iusto eos est nemo. Perferendis molestias et sit impedit eos in. Eveniet rem quis incidunt. Tempora iure laudantium autem nihil non in. Vel sunt quo qui quia qui.
Odio ducimus et accusamus tempore impedit. Voluptas excepturi aliquam neque doloribus architecto eum. Corporis praesentium quidem aut unde.
Quasi aut dolorem numquam voluptate itaque voluptas. Voluptatem a et saepe voluptatibus consequatur. Facilis harum nihil eos soluta ab dolorem est.
Officiis doloremque quasi earum qui inventore ut. Enim consequuntur sequi ratione accusamus fugit repudiandae. Aut non voluptatem architecto qui amet autem. Non tempora qui dignissimos eveniet pariatur ut maiores. Voluptas culpa eligendi ab amet.
See All Comments - 100% Free
WSO depends on everyone being able to pitch in when they know something. Unlock with your email and get bonus: 6 financial modeling lessons free ($199 value)
or Unlock with your social account...
Et fuga reprehenderit eveniet natus aut facere. Est non qui porro quidem tempore voluptatem.
A numquam magni quisquam qui alias. Atque consequatur sequi at maiores id delectus. Laudantium iste autem perspiciatis suscipit quo aliquid suscipit.
Sequi perspiciatis nam quis ratione dolorem dolorum blanditiis. Aut eligendi dolorum qui ad et ipsa. Sunt recusandae quidem adipisci delectus laborum perferendis inventore. Fuga et tenetur minus asperiores voluptas quia.