Coffee chat turned coffee date
Female monkey here that had lunch with a boutique M&A analyst (M24). Then had drinks with same analyst a couple weeks later. Both meet-ups were networking intentioned, but felt like a date, especially the second. And some casual texting followed. How do I even navigate such a situation?
Blow him
*How do I navigate such a situation without blowing him or the (potential) opportunity?
Time to ask yourself some questions and answer them honestly.
Does he genuinely want to help you get recruited? Or is he dangling that only to get more dates with you? Have you asked him to introduce you to others at the firm, perhaps someone at a group or industry you’re interested in? Has he been blowing off your requests to get plugged into the company?
Your instinct is probably right. May be worth trying to network with others at the firm if he’s not the right lead.
what's your goal with networking with this guy?
I'm asking because there are thousands of other guys in NY that you could also network with. If you don't want to blow him, then be more evasive, put excuses, and leave it. Why complicate it when those meetings tend to be pretty transactional and both people know it and understand it?
It’s complicated because I don’t have many opportunities, as I’m a non-target. It’s also a small boutique and not in NY.
This firm is my top choice too, of the few leads I do have. And because it is smaller, I’d be working a lot with this particular analyst. I will admit he is attractive to me, which is what scares me the most. I think maybe that has shown in our interactions too, and I also believe it is somewhat mutual but not something I believe either of us actually want, so I just don’t know what to think.
This is not going to end well...
Unless you’re attract to him as well. It’s not a good idea. I’d keep the texting infrequent and be slow to respond. Most importantly, do not go out to have drinks with him. Coffee only and only in the morning or afternoon.
Yup. Also if it counts for anything, he is the one who suggested drinks. But agree that it was the perfect opportunity for things to turn messy-ish.
he's just trying to bang you and i think you know this
what possible sway could he have in recruiting and what possible alpha could a new analyst provide
Want to network with me?
another predator
nah he's based
Report him. The guy shouldn't move higher up where he can exploit more.
I forgot, does WSO have a year-end award for worst advice?
Given all that MS, not surprised that workplace sexual harassment is pervasive.
This sounds like an interesting development! When a business meeting turns into an unexpected coffee witness, it can always be exciting. How did your date go? Did you have a lot of common topics of conversation, or was it more about work? It would be interesting to hear more about your experiences!
Lunch was generally more networking-oriented, but it went long and there were a few moments that felt more typical of a date than a networking chat.
As for the meet-up for drinks, it turned into dinner as well because the analyst didn’t have time to eat otherwise. So, at 7 pm, we went to a wine bar with tapas. Our conversations hardly revolved around the firm/opportunity and were more personal, discussing familial matters, hobbies, intellectual interests outside of finance, and bonding over our similar views on various topics and coincidentally similar upbringings.
Fast forward to the end, I had had two glasses of wine and for some reason wasn’t handling it the best that night (oops, I know). He asked if I was okay to drive and I didn’t want to say yes because obviously I wasn’t and that probably wouldn’t be a good look, so I said, “Yeah, I’ll probably just sit in my car for like 30 mins and then I’ll be good!” This is something I do sometimes if I have a tipsy moment and didn’t think of it that weirdly, but he was like, “Oh my goodness, no, I can’t let you do that, I’d feel so bad,” and literally would not let me, like he would not stop insisting. So, since I was parked in a time pay lot, the new plan was that he drive my (rental) car back to where I was staying for my trip at my friend's place and then Uber back to his car.
However, we get back to where my car is parked, and it has a boot. I had only paid for two hours at the lot because I thought that was all I needed for such a meet-up and didn’t think about it again. Anyways, it had just gotten the boot, so the lot guy walked up to us and said cash or card, and the analyst immediately grabbed his wallet and handed him his card. I then opened my Venmo for him to type in his username so I could pay for the boot on my car due to my own irresponsibility, and he clicked the power button to turn the screen off and pushed my phone away, saying, “I can’t let you pay for this.” Can he let me do anything? I thought. So he drives me back to where I’m staying, and we quickly discover it is in walking distance to the wine bar, so after he parks my car, we decide to take a cutesy little walk together back to his car. Finally, he drives me back to my place again, in his car, and we sit and talk for a few more minutes before he goes home to finish working for the night.
But, yeah, there’s my narrative of how it went! I almost want to say wholesome? But also, what now? 😵💫
Can't tell if you're a really dedicated troll or if this really happened
It’s not me, it’s you.
For the creeps supportive of this guy's behavior, here is another thread you will love if you are looking for a mentor.
https://www.wallstreetoasis.com/forum/investment-banking/creepy-md-what…
well, do you want the job?
Yup, I def do.
then you know what to do
I’ll assume you’re posting this in good faith.
I think you need to be honest with yourself about your intentions here. You’ve not been explicit about whether you have a romantic intention or not.
I would not recommend getting drunk — unable to drive — at a true “networking” event. Nor do I think it is ever appropriate to make any sort of romantic advance, implicit or explicit, on someone at a work-related event. There are too many things…the power differential, HR policies, how to proceed if things go wrong … that make such a dynamic untenable.
Do you genuinely believe that he would continue to provide this help if you, say, told him you were in a relationship and had no romantic intentions with him? I couldn’t say for sure (but be honest with how you think about this question).
In all honesty, I think that you need to pick a side. Either pursue this romantically, or pursue this in a career sense. And, whatever you do, make sure that everything is open, honest, and truly consensual, with nothing transactional.
Yup, posted in good faith. But I agree that the two glasses of wine were a mistake, and I should have been more responsible - obviously not a good look for me. Usually, I’d be totally fine after just that, but I hadn’t really drank anything in a couple of weeks because I’ve been on the recruiting grind and had midterms and everything, so it just hit me a bit harder. I don’t truly have romantic intentions with him, and obviously I want the job because that’s what I’ve been working so hard for, and there are plenty of other men. But the fact that I initially found him attractive and then followed up in that environment just made it that much worse. Also, I’ve had plenty of chats with other attractive analysts and never have felt anything, so I know it’s not just me being silly or anything, if that makes sense. This was just different, and there was an undeniable spark. But again, the fact of the matter is, I want this job. It just feels weird now because I am unsure about how to continue my conversations with the group since he’s my biggest point of reference.
Understood. So, to be clear, you intend to proceed with this as a networking matter, correct?
If so, that’s fine. From here on out, remain professional, albeit friendly and cordial as always, do not make any romantic advances on him, do not accept any romantic advances from him, and continue to network with other members of his group.
If you’ve not led him on thus far, this won’t be a problem.
This thread of 20 days old so I guess you've already made some decisions but in my opinion you should connect with someone else from that bank and build the rapport to leave any ambiguity aside. If you want to work in that place, that's great but get the refferal from someone else than that guy. Later you can figure out what you want from him, whether it's being workmates or having a relationship. That's at least what I would do. If you're feeling some sparks/connection with him, it's better to use someone else to get your foot into bank's door.
Report this guy to his VP because this lack of professionalism runs rampant in the industry and absolutely cannot go unpunished (God I wish I was him)
I think the VP potentially knew that we were having drinks. What about the story did you think was explicitly unprofessional btw lol. Obvi not saying anything wasn’t. I’m just frankly young and naive and am curious for outside perspective into the situation.
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