Attracted to new hire
Okay, throwing this into the void of the internet because I genuinely don’t know what to do with myself.
Let’s call her L. She started about a month ago. She's exactly my type physically, probably smarter than me (which, annoyingly, I like), quick on her feet, and somehow still manages to laugh at the absurdity of our work when everyone else is mainlining black coffee and existential dread.
We work at a sweaty little middle-market firm. Somewhere I started feeling something. Real feelings. The kind that make you sit in an Uber at 12am wondering if you’re going crazy or if this is what normal people feel when they like someone. I wouldn't say I caught feelings exactly yet and I can’t tell if I have feelings or just desperately sleep-deprived, but either way, I’m cooked.
I'm afraid she and the other associate will eventually see through me. I'm definitely afraid the partner at the nyc office will catch my glances. I'm really trying to be on his good side since the other partner has been grilling me.
I've only been here less than a year and I'm not too concerned about “making it” at this firm. I’m not gunning for Partner or whatever. I’m just trying to perform well enough to make it to the next bonus—or maybe 2 years max. No idea what she wants long-term career-wise, like if she's in this for the long haul.
I don’t know if she feels the same. She’s professional, friendly, maybe a little flirty? Or maybe I’m just projecting.
Should I say something? Do I ride it out and keep it professional? I don’t want to screw up her experience here—she’s already a unicorn hire and crushing it. But damn. This feels different.
Anyway, thanks for reading
Edit: Also, our firm is very small. Only a handful of us in the nyc office... It could become awkward quick....
Sorry to hear you're going through this. You are gay for liking a girl who's smarter than you though
Ignore title.
Life's too short. Many people met their life partners at work (like a former President of the United States, for example), so there's no shame in that. Gtfo here with that "don't shit where you eat" nonsense.
Do whatever you need to do to stay happy. If that means making a move for her then so be it.
YOLO
One thing to consider before you throw it all away lol—
Sometimes when we are in stressful situations and cranking all the time, there are few outlets for that manly energy (ie hormones) so they fixate on the first thing they see, which is that girl, so you might not be in some Disney fantasy and instead just down bad
this is a great point, you also see her all day but have you really considered if your personalities would mesh outside of a work setting?
Good point
There's nothing more attractive to a girl than someone with the balls to go after what they want. How about "Hey L, I don't know if you're seeing someone at the moment or not, but I've enjoyed getting to know you over the past X months, and frankly, I love your energy. I'd love to take you out sometime, but if not, I really don't want this to get in the way of our professional relationship." Done - professional and she won't get the creeps in the slightest.
Prospect here. Does this stuff really work?
I personally haven’t asked someone out at work, but many in real life. As long as you come off as normal and they are moderately attracted to you, they will likely say yes to a first date.
I agree with this approach more or less. Also cheat code — if you guys are friendly, and you go this route, and she says some version of no, then a few weeks/month later next time she asks how your weekend was, mention casually in addition to your other weekend stuff that you went on a pretty good date. Helps remove any of the residual weirdness — you’re just a guy that asks people out when he thinks there might be something there — not still thinking about her that way.
I wouldn’t make a move at work. Unless she’s on the exact same page as you, you open yourself up to a potential HR violation. First and foremost, don’t do anything that could risk making her uncomfortable.
What you can do, however, is try to get more friendly and ask for a (platonic) drinks or coffee. Don’t insinuate anything other than platonic about it, read the room as for her potential receptiveness, and just see what happens.
TY I'll try
Of course.
Just be friendly and keep it platonic. Ask if she wants to get a drink after work “one of these days,” you’l get a vibe. Maybe even ask for a group plan with another co-worker to start. Take it from there, don’t make it uncomfortable, and keep us posted.
This is the Worst advice possible don’t do this
Kinda had this happen to me…I feel like you’re going about it more maturely than what I had experienced. I don’t agree with some of the comments here - don’t “just go for it”…even if she appears chill on the surface, you don’t know what she’s actually thinking. She’s a new hire, her base level is to be nice to everyone right now.
I can only speak from my personal experience, and I don’t think I’m like this anymore, but as a woman, even without knowing, you tend to “fawn” sometimes if a man is acting a bit predatory and you don’t want to escalate things. You have no idea what her personal history is, what her previous experiences around this subject have been like, etc…
You think you might brush it off if she politely declines, again didn’t have that happen to me - whether you want to admit it or not, most men don’t take rejection well…no matter your reaction, you don’t know how uncomfortable you’ll make her. So just keep it to yourself, go on more dates outside of work, or just schedule some personal time with your computer lol.
There it is, the cause of the male loneliness crisis.
You guys are way overthinking this situation. Later next week ask her, if she is doing anything fun this weekend. First, she may or may not mention a boyfriend. Second, you'll learn something new about her to better build rapport. Now, when she asks you about weekend plans mention something casual then say you're going on a date. When you mention the date, guage her reaction. If she gets a little jealous, then you know. If she doesn't care, then move on.
Easy
Great advice if OP were in high school and his balls hadn’t dropped yet. Bringing up another girl to gauge jealousy? Seriously? Dafuq is this, The Disney Channel?
I was not serious... this whole thing sounds like middle school tbh
This entirely depends on your level. Based on your WSO username, you’re an associate 1. That’s still in the period of no risk.
If you’re 27 yo+ you’re in the complete no go zone. Do not engage unless she does. If 22-25 (and pushing it but 26), can be casual about it as others have mentioned.
Source: several friends/family with successful (marriage) and unsuccessful (volatile, borderline career-ending) intraoffice romances.
If I were in your position, don’t cloud your judgment and take a risk on a coworker. If you are interested in the long term you should start a friendship and if you decide to leave the company maybe something works. Risky to do anything while you’re working there.
lol girls who work on Wall Street at 22 are not looking to get married wtf? When did you last touch a girl bro
Jerk off and reassess, thx for attending my Ted talk
Can confirm. Many such cases.
Holy shit I know who this is lol
how lol i gotta know
how?
Who?
How? i wanna knoww
Been here at a previous job. Ended up adding her on social media and finding out she had a long term boyfriend once she accepted my invite. Glad I didn't flirt with her / made a move on her without knowing.
Maybe get her Insta? Granted, this is a weird ask and if a coworker asked me this - I would lie and say I don't have one.
Her insta is private... probably for a reason so I don't know if I should ask
Yeah I guess it depends. I added this girl on Insta after working with her for 2+ years and I was soon leaving for grad school so I took my shot but chose not to once I found out through her posts that she clearly had a long term partner
There is no such thing as a girl smarter than a man
When I was in college I interned at a LMM fund where the office’s secretary was the founder’s niece, and a VP, who was originally the fund’s first associate hire, managed to bag her. Theyve been in a relationship for years now with the founder knowing full well and seeing them work across from each other the whole time. Very odd
Ask her to grab a coffee or something and suss out the vibes, need to do more diligence before making a go/no go decision bro. Definitely don't just randomly ask her out but also don't wanna be an old man filled with regret
TY I'll try
Just ride it out
She’s your colleague, treat her like a colleague. Over the long run, you will 100% ruin your career if you try to mix your personal life into work. Your coworkers are your coworkers, they are not your friends. After you leave the firm, then you can have a personal relationship and not a professional first one.
-
Don’t eat where u shit
Just FYI, this is a male dominated industry where most of the females are dogs. If you’re a decent looking female and you’re not batting your eye lashes and squeezing your boobs together while leaning over my desk at every interaction, you’re leaving tons of money/opportunity on the table in a situation where you’re starting out with a deficit in your account.
TLDR: every half decent looking girl will be somewhat flirty. Her interest in you is about as genuine as a strippers.
Not all of them are like this.
This won't work, shes not into you.
As a girl I would recommend you wait a few months before asking her out. If someone asked me out while I was really new to a workplace I would be super anxious bc now there’s this whole new dynamic I have to navigate on top of figuring out how the place works
I still have to determine if she has a bf/is seeing anyone. I'll keep it platonic & professional for now and gauge interest from there.
Damn bro this thread started so wholesome and then spiraled downhill. I guess just wait until you're absolutely certain there's no issues.
this is so entertaining though
since when is WSO wholesome 😂
this.
coming to wso for relationship advice is absolute troll.
This can't possibly go wrong. Time to buy an engagement ring OP
go for it? ask her out for dinner? whats there to lose?
As a woman in the industry, my advice would be to let her make the first move.
Things can become really awkward really fast when romantic interest is shown if it isn’t reciprocated, and most women hate being put in the spot of rejecting people since many men (not saying you) react quite poorly.
ESPECIALLY in the workplace AND given she’s new, showing interest (if she doesn’t want to pursue it even if just due to working together) will probably make her uncomfortable. Dealing with unwanted male attention (which is probably common for her) can be annoying and stressful, especially when you have to navigate your career around it.
I’d try to get to know her in a 100% platonic way, and if she wants to pursue something, she will find a way to let you know — she’s prob a shark. And she probably knows you are interested haha, guys are usually not so subtle and women are usually quite perceptive. Try not to read into her friendliness too much since it’s probably her default, and as hard as it sounds, try not to expect anything from her.
+ she will probably like you more anyway if you give her the power / autonomy. Good luck!!
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