Bonus hit and feeling... nothing?
Hey all -- have posted a few times here but staying anonymous for this one. I hit the one-year mark at my UMM shop about a month ago and subsequently had my review / bonus discussion. Overall, the discussion itself was fine (certainly some areas to work on, but I got the bonus number I was hoping for and overall was above target).
The only issue is, I didn't feel anything after earning this. Frankly, I felt better about lasting a year at my firm than finding out about my bonus. This past year was probably the hardest year of my life between health issues (some stress induced, including antrip), depression / anxiety (started seeing a therapist and taking SSRIs), getting dumped because of the job, and overall unfulfillment with my career path so far.
I talked to my parents and some friends about why I felt this odd today; it should have been the best day of my year, but instead it's one of my lower days this summer. I think I am a bit upset because during my review they mentioned they thought I might quit 6-months in and because of that I needed to improve my attitude, but after reflecting on that, if the firm noticed they thought I was going to quit, why would no one check in with me / try to make changes to make it more enjoyable? I ultimately decided to stay because I wanted to do a year for my resume and get a deal done (closed a platform last week) to really make sure I knew what I wanted. I've actually been feeling better about the job for the second 6-months (which was also mentioned in my review) and my attitude has improved a bit as I do think some parts of the job are exciting / interesting. With that said, being told that the firm I work at is a place where "sometimes you have to shut up and take it with a smile on your face" or that "the associate job here is one of the hardest jobs out there" and they don't really care to improve it or get to know you... really made me wonder if the past year was worth the bonus I stayed for.
Not sure if any of that made cohesive sense but was helpful to get the thoughts on paper. Would be great to hear from anyone if they've felt similarly but my main takeaway is perhaps my days in PE / Finance are numbered if the bonus doesn't get me excited anymore. I remember finding out about my 2nd-year banking analyst bonus and being excited for weeks on end, but now I just feel uncertain. I have been feeling better about the job so my current plan is to stick it out until I feel as bad as I did 6-months ago (and quit), find something I'd like to do more (not super sure what that would be given the required pay cut), or finish my second year and maybe take some time off. I've never been too excited about B-School and don't want to go down that path because I can't figure out what else to do.