What makes you happy outside of work? Have it all but stuck in a void.

You aren’t alone. I have dealt with this for the past couple years. Recently played some adult league sports and as vain as it sounds, the validation everyone gave me from dominating was some of the best feelings I’ve had in a long time.

Knocked down a few threes and I got the ball again. 2 dudes yelled out “shooter” and I’m still riding that high 2 weeks later.

I grew up competing at the highest levels. Traveling across the country, featured on television, everything. I was on track to be a professional athlete, and injuries and just the way the cookie crumbles did away with that. Now I work 70 hours a week from a desk while people I grew up with make millions on your TV screen, all whole traveling the country.

I got in great shape. Could fuck basically anyone I wanted. Bought a nice car. None of this felt as good as the past month of dominating adult basketball and beer league softball.

I love to win. One could argue going out and pulling the girl is winning, but I don’t really see it that way. Now, going 7/8 from 3 after not playing basketball for years and winning?

Fucking amazing feeling brother. Yeah I’m not on ESPN like the guys I grew up with, but that’s life. It’s still tough for me to accept it. Hell I even broke out my old training files from when I was recovering from my last major surgery to see what a training protocol would look like now for a comeback.

Gonna start mixing in sports training with my regular training (I’m fat as shit right now). 7am gym sessions of 500 3-pointers. Suicides while dribbling with my left. Fuck it let’s do some ladder work as well.

I have some injuries that I’ve used as an excuse to purely lift and not play sports since college. Sure, my left knee doesn’t bend all the way, but the emotional well-being I have gained the past couple months from competing (and winning) against my fellow man has done wonders for me.

I hope you can find something that brings you such joy. I did the whole “go on walks, get in shape, read books” thing for 5 years. But I did the whole “compete at the highest level” in sports for 20. It just felt so natural competing again, even if it was against suburban white dudes trying to run a 2-3 zone defense

SBD?

What your post says: stats mostly. Stuff like amount of money earned, associate by 22. 

What your post doesn't say: deep relationships. I'm not talking necessarily about finding a life partner, but even deeper relationships with friends or family really. 

I'm at a different stage in my life and I have done it very differently than you (been with one person my entire life, just had our 19 year anniversary and I'm mid-early 30s; I don't drink or do drugs because I don't like how they make me feel), but from my POV, the times I've been happiest have been experiences with a small group of people. Examples: travel to Japan with spouse, our anniversary lunch at a 3 Michelin starred restaurant, hanging out in the park with our son, travel to BVI with a group of 6 good friends, long dinner at a Peruvian restaurant in Boston with 3 amazing friends, a holiday office party where me and my gay bff goofed off like idiots.  

This is one person's opinion, but I'd examine whether there are certain areas of your life where you can increase the depth of relationships or connections, vs. chasing specific stats. Maybe that helps? Don't know, but good luck though! 

How'd you make $1mm in college?

When I’m NYC: going out, meeting new people, day drinking

after I left NYC for PE: working out, going to NYC, dinners 

Ever since I found back to God my life has been so, so much better. I honestly look forward to Sunday every week, where I would dread weekends in the past (turbo autism prevents friends and girls, many such cases).

Honestly, becoming a parent is probably the best way to help re-sync your life. I generally recommend parenthood for anyone who is somewhat financially independent, and has a somewhat compatible partner. It will bring a joy to your life that you have never experienced. You will have a completely different purpose in life, which will reinforce the drive you have more making more money, but also realizing that your career is not your self-worth and purpose. Your child/children will be the most important thing to you.

It seems like you really like powerlifting. I used to lift a lot when I played sports (lax and football in HS, lax in college and men's lax league after school). But, I haven't lifted in years and am trying to get back into it. No matter what, protect and hold sacred your powerlifting regimen. It seems like you really like it. Whether it's 2/3/4 or more times a week (3 is probably the most reasonable), you must protect it at all costs. Never let anything get in the way of it, even it just means 30-mins of dumbbells when you are staying at some crap hotel on a business trip. You say you thought it would make you happy, but "nothing again". Honestly, you would be way less happy if you weren't already powerlifting. You would have way less endorphins in your system right now. You would be way more miserable. You are not giving your powerlifting hobby enough credit.

Make sure you set boundaries in your life. I'm finding out the hard way from not setting boundaries and overly dedicating myself to work. I'm finally learning now that I must have boundaries. If you give "all it takes", but don't set boundaries, you will never know where to draw the line between "maximum effort" and "sacrificing too much". Parameters and boundaries are important to maintaining some degree of health and sanity. It's very possible to go overboard, and that leads to bad health and a miserable life.

The fact that you are reflecting on this though is a good sign. It means you are loving yourself, and you want to improve your quality of life. I'm happy for you. You will get there.

Honestly in the same boat. Am a first year analyst and have lost most of my passions. Thinking back on what my passions were in college, it was work hard play hard just like yourself. Growing older that lifestyle is unsustainable. Can’t really fill the void with going out and partying, nor do I really want to.

There is something inherently broken and toxic in the industry that will always prevent employees of having a sustainable hobby—besides work and family.

Starting from the basic proposition that the 50h/wk, well paid and partner track job doesn’t exit—and even if it does it would not have enough spots for all of us—we all ultimately get sucked in and stuck into the only lifestyle that is long term compatible with the industry, which is full commitment to work.

It might not seem like it at first given the ebbs and flows of activity but look at your partners: how many of them have had to sacrifice all others aspects of their life to get where they are? Social life, sports, romantic life, cultural life etc. It’s a slow but sure process.

Consider a partner who one morning decides to spend his day slightly differently, applying its energy and will to another field of life: he is bound to face a wall as all these others aspects have been sacrificed long time who. “Men are not like crabs, what has been amputated does not grow back naturally” as someone once said.

What I mean by that is progression in the PE industry is a zero sum game with other aspects of life and it is too late at 40 years old to reconnect with friends, resume sports when your joints have been inactive for so long or even read a book without the pervasive thought of checking emails starting to itch.

I don’t necessarily mean to be cynical but empirically looking at seniors around me I don’t think the sustainment of a serious hobby is a possibility.

progress, especially in philosophy, wellness, and relationships

philosophy - you can't change the entire world and you must adhere to the status quo and its limitations, but your mind has no boundaries, there's always place to change something or learn something. Each day it passes, whenever I read anything that challenges my views, I see that as progress and I take pride in knowing that today I became wiser than yesterday. That may be even a good antidote for your case, because if you think about it, there's a neutral world out there and some people are happy with their life meanwhile you're not, so it's a matter of perspectives.

wellness - health is wealth; I find joy knowing that I'm not only preventing many illnesses, but I also help my body maximize some of its capacities (strength, concentration, organ functions through proper diet, etc.). I mean, considering how heavy your workload may be, being able to do something good for your health (gym, cardio, diet) is an accomplishment in his own way

relationships - self-explanatory; you laugh, share with them experiences to remember when you're old, you receive and offer support, you help them understand themselves better and they also shape your personality for the good, etc. 

pretty simple I'd say, unfortunately many have some inflated expectations about what life should be and can't find happiness in the mundane

party through the weekend with girls, repeat. Mostly just feel empty doing this and just wait til the weekend to have some semblance of "fun."

"When a man can't find a deep sense of meaning, they distract themselves with pleasure" - Viktor Frankl

You’re some kind of math / PE genius that made a million bucks as junior? How exactly?

Go to GOD!

You say spending 900k made you feel nothing. But imagine what joy GIVING 900k would bring. There are people that are literally blind because they cannot afford a relatively cheap surgery. Giving is hard but I aspire to do so. This vid helped about some finance bros who went to HBS and tell their story: 

Nice weather, a strong drink, running, finishing a good book. It’s the small stuff.

How come not a single of these posts ever says, "Well, I tried exploring the major religions and philsophies of the world and that didn't help either?"

If people have been doing someting to fill the void for thousands of years, you know there might be something to it.

I kind of find it amazing that this website is dedicated to young people getting advice from older peers on how to navigate their careers, but when it comes to questions of happiness or meaning, the current generation thinks that they've got that all figured out by themselves and don't need to seek any wisdom from those that came before them. Kind of funny - because it's a much more difficult question than whether you should choose BAML or Citi.

And to think I’m still over the moon about my $900 SQQQ call

Thanks for the inputs, this post helped me too

I’m atheist and just wanted to chime in and say that religion is absolutely not necessary to fill this void. If that’s what works for you, great! But if not, I would recommend some/all of the following:

1) Find a problem that you genuinely care about solving. Ideally your career would fit into this category, but even if not, look for something you see that is wrong with this world that you can fix. Maybe it’s a disease you can fund curing, an inequality, homeless in your neighborhood or maybe even it’s a gadget that will make cooking easier. Whatever problem big or small, will be an intellectual challenge with a meaningful payoff

2) Invest in people to love and share your life with. How is your relationship with your family & friends? Could you benefit from investing more into that and building new relationships?

3) Do a cleanse of drinking and drugs (2+ months). Find things make you happy outside of chemicals

4) Be purposeful about how you live your life. You’re unhappy after this weekend - write down why. You are happy - write down why. Look for trends in your behavior

1. Girlfriend (soon to be fiance)

2. Family

3. Close friends (none of them work in IB/PE, which is kinda nice)

Quality time with all of the above. Boardgames work best, but different for everyone.

4. As others have suggested, church. I've started attending a progressive Episcopalian church in my city with my gf.

5. Volunteering for causes I care for.

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My girlfriend of 4+ years, having great friends in NYC– both via work and college (attended college in NYC), the ability to do things I love with the job I have (skiing, golf, etc), trying out different cuisines, and just enjoying the ride as I go through life. If I looked back 5 years ago, everything has really worked out, even though things went differently from how I initially planned for them to go. I feel an integral part of finding happiness in life is to not take yourself so seriously. Just enjoy the ride, work hard, and good things will generally go your way. Almost any good thing that happened to me was through me making the most of my situation rather than sweating for a specific outcome 

Honestly I felt like so many people in this thread for most of my life and really I was just lonely. Once I found a great GF (fiancé now) I came to appreciate the stability of my routine and every minute of free time we get together. 

It helps you answer the dreaded "what's the point" question people start asking themselves in a rut. The point is I work my ass off so when I go home to the shorty that I love we can live an awesome life. And even if my day sucks I'll be back in bed smelling her lovely perfume and hugging under the covers by night time. 

No homo tho on the cuddling / being in love parts. 

A lot of specific advice on here, which is great, but to try to approach it from a more macro perspective, here are questions I found helpful to ask, then my responses to them:

1. What drives you?
   1. For me, was partly money, but not 100% comp
   2. I cared more about having a job that I could max out my tax-advantaged vehicles, afford a nice apartment, and support my relatively lowkey lifestyle (go out on weekends, 1 big trip a year, few weekend trips)
   3. Being able to be in control of my own schedule, see family / friends when I want
   4. Make it to big events (weddings, football games, etc.)
   5. Work in an industry I like and can see myself in long-term
   6. Being good at my job
2. What are your interests / hobbies?
   1. Similar to the awesome post above, was a big athlete in high school so play kickball (lol), basketball, softball rec leagues
   2. Love my alma matter's football team and lived in the nearest big city to be able to go to as many games as I want
   3. I like to workout or at least feel in control of that aspect of my life
   4. Try to go to church / keep up that area of my life
   5. Spend time with friends and SO
3. What is your ideal weekly schedule?
   1. For me, like to hangout by myself on at least one day of the week, ends up being Monday / Tuesday, so I can workout, cook dinner, maybe veg out on PS5 or read
   2. One / two dates a week, can be more serious or lower key or even cooking for each other and watching a movie
   3. One night with my guy friends (or day activity on the weekend)
   4. I really valued weekend optionality and being able to plan stuff without worrying about work

Once I answered these three questions, I found a job that pretty much worked into that criteria and have been feeling a lot more fulfilled from then on.

Highly recommend you (and anyone) to listen to this: https://open.spotify.com/episode/4eGW2WFcFnjIDK0zqBAyzl?si=S2TfQWqvSBGx…. It’ll take just over 30 minutes of your day at 1.2x speed but you might find something you didn’t know you were looking for.

I think relationships with others and longer term goals definitely helps. Think of all the fun things you'd like to do in life and go do them - travel, give entrepreneurship a shot, find the best girl for you. Days are long but years are short

Nothing I feel empty (Im an intern)

Chess is fun for me. Surprisingly hits similarly to finance. Cooking is a good one, and most of all: adventuring

Literally doesn't even have to be away from the city, go and find new places and plan out trips. 

People find love in things that they can get good at. Its better to find something you like and stay in doing that thing compared to empty sex and partying. 

Don't ever go into something seeking to fill a void, the void will heal up naturally from my experience. But give yourself the opportunity to continue to try new things until you can find something that makes you think "huh, that was actually really great"

Was in a similar boat, my 2 cents. Did a couple years of banking and found myself in the same cycle, can't say that I've figured it out but a lot happier now. 

Relationships:

- Family can't be emphasized enough, won't be your 20+ cousins you see once a year but 1-2 quality relationships (including your parents) goes a long way

- With an S/O, I've always tried to be as intentional as possible - if it's a healthy relationship with the basic components there, that's what will make it last. And if not, you'll know quickly where it's going

- Genuinely respecting & having real personal relationships with your colleagues. Doesn't mean your buddies with everyone, but knowing them / spending a bit of time outside of a deal team goes wonders in feeling a real connection at work

Work:

- I'm in a BD/investing role at an MM PE shop; it has its ups and downs, but I love it because I spend my day talking to 'salt of the earth' entrepreneurs and building real relationships with them. And I like to think our capital goes a long way in providing families liquidity and building enduring businesses. The role satisfies the extrovert in me and inherent competitive nature

- I do some analytics/execution work as well and I think it's fun to dig into businesses I find genuinely interesting - the process is fun irrespective of whether a deal gets done

- Comp isn't earth shattering but checks the box. Good enough

Other personal:

- I love food / new cuisines and I never hesitate to pay up for a nice meal (with the S/O or family) for a memorable experience

- I do still drink/party a fair amount but always out of choice vs. a 'need' - and usually in search of good music, with good company, etc.

- I have 1-2 niche hobbies that require a good amount of time/investment - can't say I've kept up entirely, but the job provides a nice financial cushion and I do whenever I can. They're also a great outlet to meet people who may not be lifelong friends, but make for really interesting conversation 

Pornhub premium. 

Volunteering. I go every weekend I have time and volunteer at a few different places or whatever pops up. Sometimes soup kitchens, other times for public policy. It’s fun, and a great way to engage with new people from all walks of life. I’ve met McKinsey consultants to Joe the plumber volunteering and each time it’s rewarding. I hope this doesn’t sound to corny but it really does make me feel connected to the community.