I have been seeing a lot of posts lately about "what is your end goal" and "when do you know that you've finally made it." For me, my goals have always been bald by 25, divorced by 35, severe cirrhosis in my 40s and then life in prison by 50.
Bernie Madoff has been one my biggest inspirations for a long time. I look up to him like a young boy might have looked up to Captain America during WWII. I have been contemplating different ways I can carry on the legacy of my hero and follow in his sacred footsteps.
As I am still in my early 20s, I figured if I start scheming now, I could be on pace for pulling off one of the biggest white collar schemes in history. The problem is that there are just so many options. To be honest the sarbanes-oxley act is a bit of a joke. A ponzi scheme would be the obvious route to go but it's pretty mainstream. Insider trading is a little boring and money laundering only sounds fun if you're pulling off a Gus Fring type of operation. Embezzlement could be fun and sneaky but only worth it if I can pull it off in mass quantities for the long-term. Would be cool to bring down a lot of other people with me, too.
I want my 50th birthday to be a celebration of the most badass white collar scheme in history. So what's the most prestigious way to go out? I want to be remembered for the rest of history with multiple award-winning films made about my disgraceful life.
just become president bro
nah being with the finance/defence/ etc committee, minority/majority whip is undefeated. lower profile but your in the game for longer
Frank Underwood
Why stick to just one crime? Why not compound them out like pulling an insider trading short sell because you're funding it with all the funds you embezzled (nice self-fulfilling reinforcement cycle), and then use those gains to run for office which shields you from all liability and scores you points of being a man of the people. Then you can move over into continual insider trading (gotta pay the electric and phone bills somehow), but start flexing on kickback schemes to help facilitate someone else's ponzi scheme. Implicate and drag in as many high profile co-conspirators as you can. Effectively building a multi-level-marketing scheme of white collar crimes. Pay to play to facilitate insider trading for them, legal shielding from investigations into their ponzi schemes, etc while you get your cut of the pie. For retirement, buy your own small island nation. The world governments can't come after you, you've roped in too many of their top people that'd have to go down with you. I mean, it's working for Maxwell right now isn't it?
Edit: Got a tip on a great scheme to add into the mix thanks to a post from another WSO monkey. Having someone pay for an internship instead of being paid. Their merit bonus is you'd just say you've never heard of them if someone calls for a reference instead of you blackballing them.
This is the strategic thinking I need. How would you like to be COO
Your terms are acceptable to me. I enter this deal willingly, knowing that I'm trading my own implication for massive pay-offs. Now for the next step, to find a patsy for insurance...
Don't forget to intimidate anyone poking holes.
A 2-year stint at the federal prison is definitely prestigious.
I came.
This is golden, funniest post i’ve seen haha
Embezzling the US government while short selling China as an insider because you're on the Chinese Congress, all while committing securities fraud by repackaging Evergrande debt as part of bundled MBS that are full of the various contracts the US government has.
Suspiciously specific there
The most prestigious white collar crime is one that isn't even illegal yet. What you gotta do is make partner at GS, then use your connections to be nominated as the Secretary of the Treasury. Then, use your position to literally give yourself and your partners hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars, before going back to work at GS. It's called the "Hank Paulson special"
Wikipedia says he sold his stake in Goldman before working for the treasury, so I don't really think he got any of the rewards.
If you believe that, then I think Bernie Madoff has some investment products that would be just perfect for you
Jeff Skilling
Based on his username alone I think FutureScammer needs to be involved
Haha well the bulk of sell-side finance is a (legalised) scam anyway. Just suck fees out of your clients any way you can
Kids, this isn't something we should be laughing about. A former coworker is looking at a decade for front-running in weird south american equities. even if he's cleared his old boss will make sure he never works in the industry again.
Now that's prestigious!! Not only in legal trouble but blacklisted from the industry. Take notes OP
I don't want to go into too much detail and reveal who I am, but according to the complaint he made $20m. That's damn impressive if true. I think I currently know what he knew back when it was actionable, and even with the benefit of hindsight I don't think I could turn it into $20m
Serious answer: money laundering via book deal or "modern art". No fucking way everything is on the up and up about freaking Cuomo writing a book on how to manage COVID (lol) or people actually forking over money for Hunter Biden's art talent.
Edit: yes I'd say the same for Republican crooks, these are just convenient examples
Definitely something where you used very little quantitative skill, and instead you used persuasion to convince the largest money managers in the world to hand you billions. It has to be a situation where people look back and are confused as to how you pulled it off for so long with very little planning
…
Talking won't get you there. Start small, with manageable schemes, and work your way up. Try embezzling your campus investment club's funds, and running small ponzi investment schemes. Bilk some people for their monthly income. Step by slippery step you'll soon end up in a SuperMax. Best of luck to you.
Looking up to Bernie Madoff is a bit like a young kid looking up to a backup kicker instead of Tom Brady. Have you heard of Dr. Kilolo Kijakazi? Seems like he should be your hero. Comparing any other ponzi scheme to social security is like comparing the Yankees to your local t-ball league
nice reference. Had to google a bit, but funny, and unexpected payoff. Thanks for the lulz
Mike Milken
the most prestigious crime is one you don't get caught doing
So basically OJ
OJ was caught, just acquitted. I'm talking about people who get away with it and aren't ever charged
Buying deep OTM calls in someone else's name on a highly-shorted illiquid stock that your uncle is CFO of into a gamma squeeze triggered by a merger announcement that your uncle mentioned over the weekend in between a bay cruise on the sailboat and an afternoon on the polo grounds.
Thank you!
Hiring South African mercenaries to take over some small tropical island nation to rule as your personal fiefdom.
Alternatively, take historically significant areas to excavate artifacts. Who wants to go on an adventure to find the Holy Grail or the Ark of the Covenant?
Might as well spice things up a bit more and draw as many federal organizations into it, currently just the SEC and maybe the FBI. Need to do something to bring in the DEA, ATF, CIA, NSA, and hell, even DHS. Something like also selling details to key infrastructure to the Chinese, leaving backdoors open in software being sold to the government for foreign intelligence agencies, and post a few videos with the Pablo Escobar-types on said Private Island of you shooting some really cool guns.
OK, so I simplified. It was SEC and SDNY. (you don't mess with SDNY)
..
I dont know if human trafficking is really white collar crime. I think thats something else..
Bernie Maydoff doesn't know shit about shit when it comes to committing fraud. Wasn't even an officer at a mega cap public - e.g. scrub.
Don't @ me
Just become/start a royal family...not only are you basically running a scheme, everyone loves you.
I love coming on WSO because it reminds me that, while I'm probably on the spectrum, I am nowhere near the most autistic person in the financial services industry
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