11 Things Employers Tell Interviewees and What They Really Mean
1. "We Have a Very Flat Hierarchy":
We have a few VPs that take home all of the carry and three dozen Analysts grinding out all of our legwork because it's cheaper. All you little shits are replaceable and none of you fuckers are getting promoted past Associate. Occasionally we let someone call themselves an Assistant VP to make them feel better about not getting a raise.
2. "We Value Diversity of Thought:"
Our CEO says some wacked out shit in press runs sometimes. We try to sweep it under the rug as "diversity of thought". Please don't actually challenge your superiors.
3. "We Value Diversity":
We hired a black guy once and now he's in every single picture on our company website.
4. "I'm Sure You Have a Lot of Questions to Ask Me..."
This conversation is just not flowing well and we still have 5 minutes left, please tell me you have an interesting question to fall back on so we don't have to sit here in awkward silence for the remainder of it.
5. "How Did You Learn About This Position?"
Do you have any fathers or uncles at this firm that I should know about before I shit on your resume at the round-table after you guys leave superday?
6. "Radical Transparency"
I have no fucking idea what this means and neither does anyone else at this firm, but Ray Dalio is kind of a nutcase so just go with it.
7. "Can you elaborate on your experience doing XYZ at Company ABC?"
I know you're bullshitting about this bullet point on your resume, but I'm interested in how well you can talk yourself out of this situation.
8. "Tell Me About Yourself":
I'm about to zone out for the next 30 seconds, when I zone back in and start listening again you better not still be talking about your values and beliefs.
9. From the CEO/CIO: "Here's My Business Card, Feel Free to Reach Out With Any Questions You Have:"
This is me doing my down-to-earth bit to seem approachable and friendly. There's a zero percent chance I'm going to respond to any subsequent emails you send me, and in fact, I rarely respond to emails sent to me from my own employees.
10. "We'll Get Back to You In a Few Days":
We're probably just never going to contact you again, like ever. Truth is, you botched your DCF walkthrough and we're just going to hire the MD's daughter from Villanova anyway. Definitely don't hold your breath for a phone call.
11. "Best of Luck in the Future With Your Job Search, You've Got a Great Resume and You'll Do Well"
You fucking BOMBED this interview. I really hope you have something else lined up, because you are absolutely NOT going to work here.
Feel free to add on!
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