I WOULD GIVE UP MY LEFT NUT FOR EVERCORE

Your wish is granted. HR sends the offer letter via email and you sign. The bond is made, and you feel a subtle tightening sensation in your groin.

You move to NYC and get an apartment and ride the subway to your first day of work. You stand in astonishment at Park Avenue Plaza, the crystalline citadel which overlooks Midtown Park Avenue, but cannot touch it. You ponder the meaning of this, but are stumped.

On your first day of work, you begin the process of being onboarded with the incoming class of summer analysts. You’re issued your new computer and begin the long training process.

Towards the middle of the day, your MD beckons you to his office:

“I trust that you understand the implications of our bargain?”

“What bargain?”

“The one where you committed your testicle on the sinistral side of your sagittal plane.”

“I beg your pardon.”

“You know, your left nut. For the benefit of the firm. As long as you’re here, it can stay on your body, but its precious contents are mine, which means no hookups on The League and no getting acquainted with yourself.”

“I understand.”

You end up leaving early that day and ponder the implications of this arrangement. As you pass through the swinging double doors onto 52nd, you realize that you, like the crystal citadel, can now only look at but cannot touch Park Avenue, the vein of commerce which courses through the city. You are become a Eunuch of Evercore, and it is paradise.