Stuck in the cycle
I'm a frequent poster and long-time reader of WSO and this is a throwaway account. I'll admit this post doesn't necessarily have a point and doesn't really ask a question. Perhaps someone reading this will think "yes, that's me" or "try something else" or "I'll take your job if you don't like it" or "stop being a pussy". All are reasonable responses and having read thousands of posts on this site, I can say throughout the last 4-5 years I've thought them all at some point about other posts.
In short, I feel like I'm stuck in a continuous cycle and I'm not sure how to change it. My background is not typical in the sense that I went to a great school, didn't learn about finance till really late, and started in a back office job. I then moved to a MO job and finally to a FO MM IBD job where I have been for a couple years and will be direct promoted to associate this June.
I switch between enjoying M&A and not really being sure that I even like what I'm doing anymore almost daily. As I type this I'm starting to think the chase and trying to prove to people (I'm not even sure who this audience even is anymore) my start was a fluke was what I was more interested in then banking itself. The problem is my bank is good enough to send people to better banks (I was a 2-candidate finalist for a MS lateral position a few months back) but not good enough to make a true exit to a reputable PE/corp dev job. The thought of having to eat more analyst years and try to go to a more reputable bank for PE ops is something I've considered but I just wonder if eating another 1-2 years of my life is worth it. And to be honest my associates work basically the same hours I do so this feeling is essentially indefinite.
To any college students or aspiring bankers out there, I will say that banking is hard. Not in a rocket science way, but in a way that it is extremely mentally draining making sure every number is correct, that you act the right way to your colleagues, and that the hundreds of emails you send are going to the right people. I'll admit I heard this caution before pursuing this road, but its impossible to tell what it will be actually like until its midnight for the 4th day in a row and you haven't thought of anything besides work for over a week. To this day when I speak with bright-eyed college students about what its like to be an investment banker I'm not able to tell them a realistic story. I certainly wouldn't have listened to someone warning me about the toll investment banking can take on you when you see them making 150K+ when they're 23. I think admittedly I still drink the kool-aid that everyone was drinking back in college and that has been very hard to let go of.
To circle back, the cycle I'm talking about is that I've become so risk adverse that it is hard to imagine any other role whether its in finance or something different completely. I think about other careers and I really have no idea what else I would do or want to do other than be like a pop star or something (seriously I think this sometimes). I feel like jumping off the track at this point having made so many positive jumps would be a complete failure. But at the same time, it's now past midnight on a Friday and I'm too exhausted to go out and don't even really have any motivation left to do some sort of plan this weekend (outside of the work already piled up). How can anyone really know they prefer to work 50 hours a week for $100K rather than 90 for $300k+? I guess that is how I think about it, and the problem is a banker could easily go from the 90 to 50 but likely not back.
Am I the only one out there?
Definitely a very common topic around the finance industry, and it seems almost a given that anyone working in finance will stumble upon this road block and ponder the meaning of life at some point.
If you were to take a step back though, and have another look at your predicament, you'll realise that all you are suffering from is a version of something I like to call the Grass Is Greener Syndrome (GIGS).
I think it's a given that we, humans, tend to never be satisfied with what we have. Instead, we choose to think about the 'what ifs' and the 'what could've beens.' The missed opportunities. His grass is greener than mine.
Whenever I feel down, and start thinking about whether all this slogging and the late nights are worth it, I think about how I'd feel if I hadn't gone into finance. I could be somewhere else, enjoying not having exams. Chances are, I'd be sitting in whatever other job I'd have, and be dreaming about a career in finance the same way I did when I was in university. The same way I still think about that girl in school I never asked out on a date.
My advice for anyone thinking the same is chin up, be happy you got the opportunity to have at least tried working in finance so you at least know what it feels like, and consider that you may be suffering from GIGS. Acknowledging GIGS usually snaps me out of it, because it makes me realise life is about choices. You can't do and be everything. If that doesn't work, then maybe take some time to consider what would truly make you happier, adjust for GIGS, and possibly take the plunge.
I asked a different girl out in school, and I still had a great time.
Whatever it is you choose to do, put your heart into it. Go all the way.
Good luck!
When questions like yours are posed, they are typically met with one of several responses: the grass is always greener, think about how less fortunate you could be, just quit your job and follow your "passion", find your passion, suck it up, etc. While I believe that these can be appropriate responses, they don't provide actionable advice. Even if you readily acknowledge that it is a psychological phenomenon (e.g. the grass is always greener) that is causing your dissatisfaction, does that mean that your anxious sentiment should just persist? Or is there an answer or remedy to your quest for something more?
Some provoking thoughts include:
(a) the notion posed by Deepak Malhotra that well educated/skilled/credentialed persons should "quit early, quit often" if they are unhappy in their jobs, as living a miserable life which is less fulfilling than some attainable alternative is a "tragedy" in the greek sense of the word (
);(b) "synthetic happiness" is just as biochemically satisfying as "authentic happiness" (e.g. when someone makes a career decision that leads them to be less materially successful and they are later asked whether they regret that career decision and say "no, I am happy with where I am", this "synthetic happiness" is just as powerful/satisfying as "authentic happiness" (i.e. the satisfaction derived from achieving more material success due to making an alternative choice in the aforementioned career decision)) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4q1dgn_C0AU);
(c) community matters far more than any one factor in determining your happiness (and even your longevity/health) (
);(d) "following your passion" is a misguided idea/directive because it leads to indecision/inaction, some people haven't yet identified that passion (if it even exists for them), your "passion" is likely to change in a few years and if you have staked a career decision on it you are not going to be satisfied on that basis after your passion changes, in some people's career they found that "success fueled passion more than passion fueled success" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6MBaFL7sCb8);
(e) instead of asking "what is my passion" to identify a career/career path, ask "what skills do I have" and "how can I use these skills to serve others" (i.e. find a means of providing a service that is altruistic in a significant (or significant enough) respect) - note that someone might say "I accumulated all this money over the years, but sacrificed my time and energy for my entire life for this. What was it all for?" but is unlikely to say "I helped improve/save the lives of 100 people over the years, but sacrificed my time and energy for my entire life for this. What was it all for?" (
);(f) beyond ~$75,000 (depending on where you live), the amount of money you make does not materially change your happiness (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/17/map-happiness-benchmark_n_5592…);
(g) the chances that someone will make a significant change in their habits/lifestyle is 9:1 (and making a pictorial roadmap from where you are to where you want to be will significantly increase your odds of arriving at the desired destination) (
);(h) people do not really want to be happy, and people don't really want what they think they desire (example provided: X has a wife and a mistress; X thinks he wants the mistress and not his wife, but when his wife leaves, he doesn't want the mistress) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U88jj6PSD7w);
(i) there is an underpinning (subconscious) ideology informing all of your actions (including, perhaps, your decision not to leave your job) (
);(j) a perpetual state of happiness is unattainable/unnatural, but that does not mean that your life cannot be significantly improved through certain changes (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxsPl2WClHg); and
(k) difficult choices are an opportunity for you to show your character/individualism (
).I don't think there is a one-size fits all answer to your question, but I do think that there is significant research that can help you to make an informed decision and think through the consequences of your choice (while remembering (b) above). One of the most difficult aspects of actually taking action in your position is trying to reconcile what your rational brain might be telling you based on research studies, and what ideologies (conscious or not, see (i)) that you hold which may keep you in a state of inertia despite your logical conclusion that you should act in some other way.
It is also worth noting that there are still opportunities to rebrand yourself (e.g. through education). If you have found that you simply do not like finance, business school is not for you, etc., consider educational alternatives that would not necessitate exorbitant tuition bills but would still help you get where you need to be. For example, there might be programs abroad where you can get a solid education for a fraction of US/UK university fees (less than five figures in a number of instances), improve your experience and enter into a new line of work. It's also helpful to think about the possibilities of accomplishing your objectives by brainstorming about the options you have on a global level.
Good luck with your decision