Sysco Drops $29bn on Jetro… and UBS somehow still misses the call

Another day, another multi-billion dollar deal where literally everyone is on it except UBS.

Sysco pulls off a $29B acquisition of Jetro Restaurant Depot, taps Goldman Sachs and TD Securities… and UBS is once again watching from the sidelines like it’s a live-streamed earnings call. Jetro side was Evercore and JPM for shareholders.

At this point it’s honestly impressive. You could drop a $30B deal in the middle of Zurich and UBS would still somehow not be staffed on it.

Potential hypothetical reasons UBS should have been on the deal (but obviously wasn’t):

• Coverage team still debating if restaurants are “TMT-adjacent”

“People eat while using technology, so technically yes.”

• Pitchbook was 87 slides of Credit Suisse integration synergies

Client just wanted to buy warehouses, not a therapy session.

• Showed up with 25 different model scenarios

“Just tell us what we should do, we don’t have time for all those scenarios.”

• Tried to structure the deal to include a structured note

Sysco just wanted chicken and frozen shrimp, not a callable autocallable.

• Internal approval process required 6 committees and a group chat

Deal closed before UBS finished scheduling the kickoff.

• Accidentally pitched Sysco on selling itself instead

“Have you considered unlocking shareholder value by… not doing this?”

• Still using legacy CS comps from 2021

“At peak multiples this is a great deal.”

It is 2026.

• Couldn’t decide which coverage group owns food distribution

Industrials said no, Consumer said maybe, Tech somehow got looped in.

• MD comp guarantee expires next quarter

Can’t risk wasting time on actual deals.

• Asked if Jetro had exposure to AI

“Do the warehouses use ChatGPT or…?”

Meanwhile TD quietly shows up, does the work, gets paid, and leaves.

UBS strategy remains unchanged:

Add MDs → Miss deals → Post press release about “momentum in the Americas.”