Diversity Recruiting is Paradise

In light of recent events of IU Kelley kids lying about diversity, I (the original author) have decided to repost this.

Laying on your twin-sized dorm room bed after bombing your Intro to Macroeconomics final, you reflect back on your disastrous first year at Indiana University's Kelley School of Business. You lost your virginity to a 3 you scooped at a bar. You failed miserably at breaking into any prestigious clubs/orgs or external internships – both hallmarks of WSO's tried and true method of securing a job on Wall Street. Your pockets are empty after wasting the recurring $20 fee the bouncers at local bars charged you. Most mornings you woke up hungover –coping with the 2-10 (0-9 conference) record of the Hoosiers football team– and woman-less; the only other soul in your room being your virgin roommate, Antonio, who spent the whole night grinding Fortnite. At least you're not him.

You've had enough. It's just one year, right? You'll get on your shit this summer to be polished once recruiting kicks off next spring. Investment banking is your dream. Your destiny. You're in love with the transactional nature and immense responsibility… or something like that. Hundreds of hours scrolling Wall Street Oasis and drunkenly skimming Damodaran's iconic "Valuation" YouTube series validates your hunger to break in. 

Grades come back. You nervously pull up your transcript. 3.42. Shit. The odds are stacked against you. You scurry to WSO and make a post titled "Can I Round a 3.42 to 3.5?", but unfortunately fail to receive any confirmation bias. Oh well. You're at a top-tier, high semi / low target school, home to the iconic, esteemed university organizations – The Investment Banking Workshop (IBW)– which is confirmed by the plethora of high SB/MS ratios on posts that favor IU Kelley (IBW) over other state schools like Cornell. You've been networking hard with the current members, even offering up your sister to Thad (Pi Alpha Kappa Treasurer & IBW Selection Committee Chair) to have for a night. If you had a girlfriend, you'd happily lend her to any IBW member to pound. It's an investment, right? You'll be making six figures right out of college; any woman will be salivating –fighting tooth-and-nail– to have a chance with once they see your "Incoming IB Summer Analyst at GS/MS/JPM/BMO/RBC" LinkedIn title. 

You're BOUND to get in. Entering into your sophomore summer, you tell yourself you'll be glued to the computer, memorizing the ins-and-outs of BIWS 400 Q's. What could go wrong? You're ahead of the curve. You'll be so prepared to blow the IBW interview out of the water. 

Sophomore year rolls around and you've spent the entire summer "networking" at hometown high-school parties and jerking off to OnlyFans subscriptions you "invested" your remaining pennies in. Shit. You're special, though. You were a Direct Admit into the Kelley Business School: that has to mean something, right? Interviews roll around and you're prepping with your roommate, Antonio. This kid doesn't know shit, you think. You're way ahead of the pack. Antonio couldn't even articulate how $10 depreciation flows through the financial statements if you put a gun to his head. You, on the other hand, built an entire DCF from scratch (through copying from a YouTube video, but who cares) and plan to present it to The Committee.

Interview schedules roll out. You're scheduled for 8:30AM. The night before the day quickly approaches, and you spend the entire night profusely sweating and half-asleep in bed. Clock hits 8AM, and roll out of bed and zombie-walk into the interview room. 30 minutes later, you walk out knowing you bombed it. How the fuck am I supposed to know what a negative EV means or how to project Depreciation & CapEx? Looks like copying a DCF and not really knowing the "how's" or "why's" wasn't the best idea. Weeks later, results are emailed as you're chilling in your dorm. "YES," screeches Antonio. He got in. "Lmfao bro, I can't believe they believed me when I labeled myself 'Hispanic' on the application. I got asked questions like "How do the 3 statements link?" I'm literally Italian." 

Sadness turns into pent-up anger and frustration and then into motivation. Who cares?, you cope, IU Kelley (non-IBW) is still a low/mid semi-target (on-par with Emory/UMich/UC Berkley). You know you're capable –no, destined– for high-finánce. You just need to put in the cold, hard work. You'll be no-lifeing technicals for the next couple of months, and prove to those IBW scumbags that you're worth it. 

Recruiting season comes around, and you've spent the last 7 months memorizing BIWS 400 Q's cold. You're slacking on the network, but you'll rely on Kelley's brand name to pull for you. EB's come-and-go, but you can't get past the first round. I'm more of a BB guy, anyway.  BB apps open soon after. You're desperate, but can't seem to land anything. You ask your roommate, Antonio, for advice. "Bro, just say you're LGBTQ or something. Haven't you seen WSO's diversity rankings? Anyway, I'm seriously torn between MS and GS. Can you -….." Antonio rambles on, but you go into a daze. The moment the conversation wraps up, you dash to WSO, and, clear as day, you see it. "Diversity Non-Target >>>>>> Non-Diversity Target" "TIER 1: Black Female/Male, Hispanic Female. Trans; TIER 1B: Hispanic Male; TIER 2: Lesbian, LGBQ+, Disabled, Females; TIER 3: Bisexual; TIER 5: Desperate straight guy with a noticeably fake gay accent; TIER 40: White Men, etc." 

Your morality and hunger for greatness reach a crossroad. All of the successful businessmen make unethical decisions, right? In desperation, you throw out a couple applications, but this time you make sure to tick the "Bisexual" box. What could go wrong? You've done an elephant walk or two for your frat hazing and even smashed a dorm chick just minutes after she finished with Tyrone, so it's not a complete lie. You get immediate hits. HR at BMO and WF hit you back within hours of submitting, urging you to get on an accelerated interview track. Feeling like a celebrity in public, you take your sweet time to seem in "high demand." Interviews are now a joke, and you even flip the switch with some mid-tier banks by asking interviewers "Why should I work for you?" just to fuck with them. You're absolutely crushing interviews, so you spend more time rehearsing a fake gay accent than actual technical questions. Offers begin to pile up, and you eventually accept a gig at a top boutique (CVP/EVR/PWP/COW/RJ). Life is good.

After breezing through SA and securing a FT offer, you've never been so content. IBW scum are begging you for just a 15 minute coffee chat to network and learn your secrets. 

3 months in, CVP/EVR/PWP/COW/RJ invites you to a mandatory LGBTQQIAAP+ networking event. sigh I guess this is par of the deal. As you walk in and begin chatting, you jolt as you realize you've forgotten to implement your accent. Do you use it now, or just forget about it? Slowly, you feel glares all directed your way, as if everyone found Waldo. Gay Radars are beeping out of control. They know. They know that you lied. Panic encroaches, and you're not able to think properly. You excuse yourself to the restroom to take a moment. As you're fake shitting on the toilet, you hear three pairs of footsteps walk in simultaneously. A couple of minutes pass by and they haven't cleared out. As you finish up, you walk out and see Brian and Oliver –two flamboyant associates– and Liam guarding the door. "We know you're lying. But, instead of reporting you to HR immediately to blackball you from all relevant IB's, we'll give you a chance to prove yourself."Your heart palpitates uncontrollably as the two men approach you and start undressing you. Do you go with the flow? Or fight back and risk your career? "You don't want that hard work to go to waste, do you?" – Brian smirks. This is the way.

Comments (34)

  • Incoming Analyst in IB - Cov
Jun 15, 2022 - 5:26pm

Lmfaooooo this post is very fitting, especially with that recent post on IU Kelley kids

Jun 15, 2022 - 5:59pm
IncomingIBDreject, what's your opinion? Comment below:

What exactly does "gay accent" even mean? I have bi friends and have never heard an "accent".

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Jun 16, 2022 - 12:14pm
misogynisticBigot, what's your opinion? Comment below:

It's those over the top, nails on chalkboard type of degenerate accents you'd find in some TikTok video of a woman caked with makeup with disgustingly long nails doing an "unboxing" or "haul".

Jun 16, 2022 - 12:49pm
IncomingIBDreject, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Imagine actually using TikTok. 

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  • Analyst 1 in PropTrad
Jun 15, 2022 - 11:14pm

this is pure fuckin comedy lmfaoo

Jun 16, 2022 - 12:26pm
bobolahlah, what's your opinion? Comment below:

thank you OP for this post hope you get infinite silver bananas 

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Controversial
Jun 16, 2022 - 3:40pm
Deal Team Six, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Gonna get MS for this but imagine being a straight white / Indian male who is so unbearable / unintelligent they cant break into an industry dominated by straight white males, so they have to lie about their ethnicity / sexuality. They cry that roughly 10% of the spots are filled with diversity / minority hires, and blame the system (which has worked favorably toward them their entire lives). 

Beyond pathetic. 

You know these kids have absolutely zero hustle too. 

Most people who get rejected from all the elite firms find a MM or boutique to go work at, work hard and do well, and lateral to a top IB later on. These guys took the lazy way out and I have to imagine itll catch up with them.

Jun 17, 2022 - 9:30am
IncomingIBDreject, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Where are you getting 10%? GS which publishes says that 50% of their class is diversity hires. You have to include all the while sorority females. 
 

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  • Analyst 1 in IB - Gen
Jun 17, 2022 - 10:29am

This one's a massive reach my guy. Where did you even get 10% from - it's pretty well known that the most recent classes are up to 70% filled by the diversity pipeline

And for that matter, why should a white/indian/asian male be discriminated against in favor of black/hispanic candidates? I'm confused as to why you try to blame white/indian/asian candidates for having a tougher time recruiting in the current environment that actively discriminates against them

Most Helpful
Jun 17, 2022 - 4:53am
IBanalyst0101, what's your opinion? Comment below:

System was for the indians?who are you kidding?FIRST they're fucked in admissions for both undergrad and MBA.The current SYSTEM is the exact defintion of racism(treating people differently due to immutable characteristics), also 10 percent? more like 60.(I'm being conservative)

Oh and working at an MM, thats all good but theres about 10 banks that sponsor and even among them theres many that have a cap.Many of them would work 80 hours a week at the shittest LMM boutique for less than 6 figures but they don't get a chance.

Why should they not blame the system? You talk about how industry was dominated by white men and other people didn't have a chance, didn't stop asians from killing it right(Goldman pre IPO list in 1999 had 8 indians on it and many other asians).You know why they did this?Because they chose to WORK HARD instead of acting like whiny little bitches, but theres a limit to how much you can screw them over.Why is that an asian on average has 200+ points higher SAT than someone who's black?And dont give me that shit about them being unsocialable.

OH also being born poor in america>being born midle class in India or most other asian countries for that matter.

Also last question, What does diversity mean to you? To me its difference in thought and not what colour someones skin is and don't even get me started on giving someone special treatment because they like sucking dick.You know what difference in thought comes from?DIFFERENT ECONOMIC BACKGROUNDS.

Whoever abuses these diversity programmes has my respect. You are standing up against RACISM. MLK said-One has not only a legal but a moral responsibility to obey just laws. Conversely, one has a moral responsibility to disobey unjust laws. And no this isn't even 1% of what POC had to face in the 50's, it is just an analogy.

Let me be clear, I'm not against diversity hiring, I'm against what it has become, If none of what i have said has made any difference, let me put it another way. Trying to fix systematic discrimination by discriminating against other people is not the way. TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT.

Jun 17, 2022 - 9:32am
IncomingIBDreject, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Being a poor white is not better than being born middle class in India when it comes to recruiting. This is an objectively false statement which shows you have absolutely no knowledge of the class divide in the US.

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Jun 17, 2022 - 9:45am
anothergodammasian, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Not op but I don't think you quite understand what being middle class in India means, being middle class in india is = piss poor by american standards, not to mention white male in america= can recruit for 100s of Investment banks from BB's to LMM boutiques and way easier to actually get actual work experience at these smaller shops, Indians cannot do that.. they have like 10 banks that sponsor most of which have caps on the number of international, these banks are the most competitive, I don't mean to be disrespectful, all I'm saying is someone born in America even poor is way ahead of someone born middle class in any 3rd world country for that matter, one thing I'll accept is the white male or any other race for that matter might have had a way harder time growing up but as an indian or asian in general you have to overcome a lot of stereotypes and learn more about the culture in general, at first it is a huge shock.Sure a poor white male has it very rough, but if he strikes out on IB recruiting he'll mostly get something else, indian male goes back to India where he spends 10 years working shitty jobs paying back his loans.

sorry for the poor formatting and grammar, wrote it on my phone.

  • Associate 3 in IB-M&A
Jun 18, 2022 - 8:43am

I am an overrepresented minority.... it's really not that bad. Granted yes I was at a target but I got interviews at most BBs and EBs. You really have to lack hustle or social intelligence to not be able to get an interview. The Asian community (including Indians) needs to find some other cause to rail against, diversity recruiting is not the hill we should die on. Btw my incoming top BB class was like 30% Asian, and very similar top my top 10 undergrad.   

Jun 17, 2022 - 12:50pm
finpli, what's your opinion? Comment below:

As a Kelley grad (not IBW or at BB) I can definitely agree with making fun of those of us who claim it's on the same tier as UMich or god forbid Cornell, obviously it's not. But after seeing how large these diversity classes are growing as a proportion of the overall analyst class, there's no way you can't agree that it's ridiculous. I've heard several banks where diversities made up 50% of the class, with some being upwards of 70%. For a hiring practice that's largely discriminatory (if you want diversity, not sure why asian and indian students can't leverage this hiring process), it's absurd to see how much it has grown over the years. Especially with how this recruiting cycle for SA went, I wouldn't blame them for going with the ruse. 

Jun 18, 2022 - 1:43pm
mrebeazy, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Just say you like the social skills and likability to actually get an offer instead of blaming your problems on minorities. It's just sad.

  • Intern in IB - Gen
Jun 18, 2022 - 10:43pm

Can someone explain me what you have against diversity?

White male, I went to Wharton, was in WITG, now incoming FT at EB RX and I got every offer I applied for. Get smarter don't complain. I can guarantee you PJT/HL/EVR/LAZ RX just care about how good you are 

Jun 21, 2022 - 11:28am
Friedmaneconomics, what's your opinion? Comment below:

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Jun 24, 2022 - 12:38pm
gabrielabalderas, what's your opinion? Comment below:

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