Girl on tinder threatening to send my messages to my firm / boss

Hey guys, long-time member and current PE associate.

I matched with a girl on Tinder one night and we started messaging. Somehow, the conversation turned into an argument over stupid shit. In my drunkenness and anger, I replied calling her a fat*** and made a joke that she looked like she put on the COVID-30 / I would sign her up for Jenny Craig.

She replied with a long message how she was outraged I would dare say this in 2021 and that she would be screenshotting this and sending this to my employer. Note: I only have high-level info in my Tinder bio - first name, age, "Private Equity", school attended, pictures. I didn't reply BUT THEN she replies back with my full name and the name of my PE firm, PLUS one of my MD's email address (we're all listed on the firm website).

Found out the hard way it's easy to be googled. I'm legit getting nervous / sweating balls that she sends an email to my boss. What should I do? Am I overthinking and should just ignore her threat? Worst case she actually sends a screenshot and my boss reads it, what should I say if I get called out?


If your boss is a female, you might as well quit right now. 

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

if I were your boss, I would give you a PROMOTION. If your BMI is above 25 (guy or girl) you need to get accountable and get your shit together.  

also wtf bro, your tinder is one google search away from your LinkedIn Instagram etc. Was it really so hard to just silently unmatch and be respectful? also this might backfire but offer to buy her a $100 Uber eats gift card to shut up. I don’t think she’d turn it down.


What’s most sad is getting into arguments on Tinder. Clearly OP doesn’t get laid 


Although I admit it is funny story (and I included what I sent her for humorous purposes for this forum), this is 100% real. This was over this past weekend. Would appreciate any advice. I have not replied to her threat/message and we're still matched on Tinder.


I use my nick name on tinder and am not so I proud to put my actual job on tinder (no girl cares your in PE). The only reason u should be putting ur job is if u r using it as a joke (like u work @pornhub or smthn). I also have a Snapchat where my username is based on my nick name as well. If u don’t have a nick name go by ur middle name or make up a name. Same thing goes 4 YouTube, WSO, Reddit, etc. 

Most Helpful

I am operating under the assumption that you actually were drunk and didn't have the full capacity to understand what you were typing. If you weren't and are using that as an excuse, then I have a lot less sympathy for you (albeit still a little). However, if you are telling the truth about that part, I'll help you out. First off, I would apologize profusely to the girl herself. Not that what she is threatening to do is right (it's pretty fucking slimy), but you and I both know she has the upper hand over you. Explain to her that you were drunk and that you are extremely sorry and regret what you said. If that doesn't work, then you have to go on the offense, because she obviously isn't going to be fazed by your attempts to cover your ass. Threaten to report her for blackmail, because that's what it is. Hopefully you can still screenshot all of the original messages, because this is extortion, plain and simple. If she doesn't back down and actually has the balls to send it to your boss, I would give your boss the same explanation you gave her about how you were drunk and didn't understand what you were saying (it will really help if you have proof to back it up, such as a video of you slurring your words from your friends or something, but I suspect this is highly unlikely). Then, after you are done apologizing profusely (you had better make it sound genuine as fuck) offer to do whatever you have to to make amends (within reason of course). And then after you suffer through the ordeal of facing your boss, actually report her for blackmail with as many different agencies/sources/lawyers as you can (as long as it doesn't cost you an arm and a leg to do it), because like I said, what she is doing is a straight up crime, unlike you, who just called her some mean names. Just my two cents. Godspeed. *Obligatory this is not legal advice, but you already knew that considering we're on a forum where downvotes are literally primate feces.


Get legal counsel and send her a formal letter, if she's somewhat normal that will scare her. Go that route and the worst that can happen is she sends it anyway, then you can discuss it with your boss if she sends it and if he asks to speak with you. 

No reason to go straight to your boss and get him involved without needing to. Also, realistically he won't care he may not even read the email, think about it if you got an email like this about a co-worker you'd think about it for a second, that's embarrassing, make a joke with them maybe and move on.


Nightman Cometh

Is it actually extortion if she isn't trying to get anything in return? Wouldn't it be some form of slander instead? I genuinely am curious.

It would be very easy to state if this goes forward you run the risk of Tortious Interference. I’d have lawyer write that up. 


I actually have been in a similar situation like this (extortion, ex FWB) and had it resolved. I agree with lots of what @Monty Burns says, but have a few recommendations:

1. Beg.

  • Leave your pride at the door. Confess before her and God that you've been a complete asshole and just make yourself as pathetic as possible to try to elicit some sympathy. 
  • Make up sob stories ... do whatever you need.
  • This is mostly what she's after. She wants to be able to say that she put some finance guy in their place. 
  • This is of course cringe, but no one will know except you and her. Take the L and move on because if she wants to go to war, it's costly and time consuming.

2. Know the laws on extortion/blackmail vs. harassment. 

  • I can't tell from your post, but if what she does rises to the level of extortion, then you re-gain substantial ground here. If you're in New York State, even better. New York State treats any extortion or blackmail as an automatic Class-E felony, even if someone if blackmailing you for $1. 
  • If she hasn't asked for any kind of compensation to not expose your texts, bait her: "Please, is there anything I can do to get you not to do this." She'll likely take the bait, even just to see how much she can potentially get. The fun for her is having you on the hook. Once she blows up your spot, the fun part is over. If she throws out a number or asks for anything, confirm it with her: "So if I give you $X or do XYZ thing, you promise you won't send those to my boss?". If she confirms, Boom. Extortion. 
  • If she isn't asking for anything in return, you could argue that its "harassment," and these are typically minor charges. 

3. Hire a private investigator. This sounds silly, but people generally have a misconception about what they do. I hired one, and I'm telling you that PIs are the most under-rated thing ever. Here's why: 

  • Gather evidence: They will help you document your phone conversations and organize them in a way that can presentable in a potential court case. They might even coach you on how to communicate with her to frame the case favorably to you. They basically do the work that the police would do if they had the resources to give a shit about your case. Once they have enough evidence, they bring it directly to the District Attorney's office with an airtight, and skip the "investigation" stage. The DA can bring charges that same day. It's an easy win for them. 
  • Background information: They have access to police databases and non-public records. Give them enough information on this girl, and in 15 minute they'll have all the information the police will ultimately need on where to find her, address, employment, rap sheet, etc. 
  • Deterrence: Most PIs are former cops and some are lawyers as well and they are very comfortable dealing with people and remind them of the law. If you have enough time to gather evidence that she's extorting you, the PI will create a file, find her at her home or place of employment (file in hand), politely knock on her door, and say "Hello, my name is Mr. PI, I understand that you've been contacting my client and doing XYZ. My client requests that you cease this communication and make no further action to intentionally harm his reputation or employment status ... yada yada. If you do not cease these actions, I will be involving law enforcement as your actions as evidenced here in this file constitute extortion ..." you get the point. This almost always works. The 22-year-old Bushwick keyboard warrior will shit her pants. 

4. If she contacts your boss: Deny. 

  • Say something like: "I have an ex girlfriend who unfortunately is going through some mental health issues and, unfortunately, she acts out in ways that are destructive to herself and those who try to help her. I have used my own money to hire a private investigator to confirm that she is the one who created this fake profile of me to slander me. I'm doing what I can to get her the help she needs. I'm very sorry that she tried to involve you in this. I appreciate your discretion as I resolve this, and I don't foresee this being an issue any time again in the future."
  • Depends on your relationship with your boss, but if you REALLY don't want to be fired, then make this as touchy as possible for them. Mental health + personal relationships = radioactive to HR. Put them in a position where their best course of action is to take your word for it and hope it never happens again. They're not going to launch an investigation to see if that was really your tinder account. I don't advocate for being too blatantly dishonest, but this is a special circumstance.
  • I wouldn't recommend telling them you were drunk, even if it's true. Unless you're VERY close to that MD. Even then ... would advise against.

    I agree actually. I'm pretty sure your boss has better things to do than dig into somebody's dirty laundry, especially if your boss is a guy. Plus, it's not illegal to call somebody fat. Why would you get fired for that? It's your personal life and you haven't done anything illegal, your boss shouldn't care about this. I wouldn't care 100% if I was your boss.

    Also, even if somebody decides to dig into this, how would she prove it's not fake? You can delete her from your matches and your convo and if they inspect your phone they won't find proof. And her pictures can 100% be photoshopped. You can find somebody's account on Tinder and photoshop a fake conversation with them just to blackmail them.



    I agree actually.

    Of course you do. 

    "If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

    Agree with this. It's one thing if you posted something on social media, because you're always an ambassador of your company on public places, but people do all kinds of shit in their personal lives so as long as it's not illegal, your company has no business judging you for this. People dating, in a relationship, and married say regrettable things all the time. Your company doesn't police their personal life and probably would be afraid to gain that reputation because they took action on something that doesn't impact their business anyway.


    I also agree. It's her word against yours.

    Just uninstall de app and act as if nothing happened. If your boss happens to call you in and asks about the situation, just negate everything and even show him that you don't have that app installed. 

    From now on, nothing has happened.


    Best legal advice in almost every circumstance is always to first just shut up, and then if something materializes deny everything. Either the accuser is able to prove it and then has to convince someone else to care or it just goes away.

    "The obedient always think of themselves as virtuous rather than cowardly" - Robert A. Wilson | "If you don't have any enemies in life you have never stood up for anything" - Winston Churchill


    Can you explain how is this a felon on her part?

    dat ass is a felony


    "If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

    She doesn't need to be a felon for you to be innocent under the law. And what other reason does your company have to fire you besides that? This is your personal life. No firm wants to put their reputation on the line to fire an employee who got a little mouthy when they were drunk. That would be ridiculous. You probably wouldn't even get put in some sort of punitive training program through HR to improve your behavior because what you did didn't occur publicly or in the workplace, so there's no way to legitimately benchmark your progress. It's just a personal incident with limited context, and without access to all the information they would have a hard time justifying taking action.


    You realize that there are whole online forums dedicated to people sharing Tinder convos? My friend was on my other friend's (who's a girl) tinder and sent something dumb as a joke, and the guy posted it on reddit and it literally went viral the next day. Unfortunately, this seems to be totally legal.

    To OP: what she's threatening definitely is worse but also just don't be a jerk, it's not that hard.


    When I get in arguments with fat chicks on tinder (cmon, we’ve all been there), I send the  gut-punch message (in your case, the covid-30 comment) and then wait until I see the typing bubbles come up.

    Then I unmatch immediately. I get the last word, and there’s no blackmail. No offense OP, but you’re kind of a noob at this


    Probably a dumb question but why the fuck are you guys matching with fat girls on tinder? Am I missing something here?