Married Monkey with wandering mind, help me out

Hello WSO/Ann Landers,

I was too embarrassed to ask this on my regular fake name, but I'm a long time user with a bit of a problem/mindf*ck . Feel free to fling away but I want to get this off my chest.

So I'm happily married, and somewhere in age between the average new WSO user and @Edmundo Braverman. I love my wife to death, but for whatever reason, BAM, I've developed feelings ... for my supervisor. And I mean, this just hit me about a week ago, after we'd spent time outside of work (completely innocent, other teammates around, I don't think the interest is mutual).

I've worked for her for a while, and yes, she's always been easy on the eyes and had a great personality, etc., so I don't know what the shit is happening. As weird as that sounds, it just kinda happened, or so I think. It came on aggressive, and I'm trying like a mo-fo to tell myself it's wrong and move on with my life.

What is this, my third-life crisis? Do I just need a tattoo or drum set or a Tesla or something? I've already determined I need to grow a pair, so don't remind me. I'm really writing because this shit has distracted me constantly at work and home. I want to go back to thinking only about the family, and just want to know if anyone else has dealt with this and how you pushed through it (outside of acting on your desires). I wish it were just need for tail, I'd go take a shower.

Comments (109)

Best Response
Apr 22, 2015

Post pics of both girls and set up a poll, you're in good hands here

    • 16
Apr 22, 2015
theebreadwinner:

Post pics of both girls and set up a poll, you're in good hands here

Too funny!

Bitch please, I love bananas! If you found my advice useful, hit me up with one.

Apr 22, 2015

How about looking for a new job? Might sound like overreaction now but if it really could put the happiness of your family at stake, it might be worth considering

Apr 22, 2015

Actually man, the thought has crossed my mind to find another gig. Wouldn't be terribly hard in my line of work.

@TNA yeah you younger guys, this shit will probably eventually happen to you if you marry, if not, I tip my cap to you.

Apr 22, 2015
Brent Crude:

Actually man, the thought has crossed my mind to find another gig. Wouldn't be terribly hard in my line of work.

@TNA yeah you younger guys, this shit will probably eventually happen to you if you marry, if not, I tip my cap to you.

Ain't young my man, but empathize. I'd look for a new gig. You're just going to fester on this and it's going to make it worse.

Apr 22, 2015

And this is why you don't get married.

Apr 24, 2015
TNA:

And this is why you don't get married.

+1

"When you stop striving for perfection, you might as well be dead."

Apr 22, 2015

Not to over simplify, but just don't act on it. You're an adult, use your self control. It will pass and probably isn't worth fucking up your life over.

Apr 22, 2015

Attracted to a female authority figure?

Tell us about your relationship with your mother...

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Apr 22, 2015

Yeah, I hear you and I am looking to get in the market (job, not mistress).

Bolo up you're totally right and I won't act on it but it's fucked me up mentally so I think I need to bounce.

SSits - eh, no comment, I probably like the authority thing more than I care to admit

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Apr 22, 2015

My details (so you don't think I'm a 22 yr old giving you marital advice): ~40, been married for 10 years, been with her for 15 and I've known her since we were freshmen in college, couple of kids, house in the burbs, the whole shitshow stereotype. Very happily married, she's a great woman. I've never strayed, and this isn't bragging but not because I haven't had the opportunities (any somewhat successful and not horrible looking guy has the opps all the time, or if you've ever done business in East Asia, it's just constantly presented).

You're in a dangerous arena. As you know (and this may come as a surprise to younger folks) when you're married you still look at every hot woman, and sometimes not so hot when you work in a field dominated by men like finance, and want to fuck the shit out of them. New 25 year old associate in the office, lawyer at one of the firms you use, the freaky looking chick at Starbucks who pours your coffee every morning, every random attractive woman who walks down the street, etc. You know you're not going to but it's part of your nature. Caveman see hot woman, want to spread seed.

Developing feelings is bad but I think it happens to nearly every guy who's been married for a while. It doesn't necessarily reflect on your feelings for or relationship with your wife (it very well could of course) but after a few years of marriage it seems like your brain wants something different (that seven year itch isn't complete bullshit). I've had nearly all of my close friends say the same thing. Happened to me a couple of years ago. Woman in the office (I'd bet for guys who work a lot it's almost always a work related woman), a more junior employee (but not someone who worked directly for me), smart, hot, interesting, the whole package. I thought I was developing feelings and probably was. But the important thing is to do NOTHING with them. Let them pass. Don't fuck her and definitely don't tell her or your wife. Try to avoid her to whatever degree you can (difficult if she's your boss), volunteer for a long work trip, take a vacation with your wife, or whatever that gets you spending time with your wife and not the boss. As the last option switch jobs, or see if you can be put on a different team. Those feelings could and should go away and you'll realize it was a passing fancy and won't even think of it in a few years. It's only been a week.

If they don't go away then you have to really take stock of your life and marriage. Is it worth losing your wife for an untested property? Can you imagine life without your wife, for all things big and small? Are you just horny and need to fuck a different woman? This isn't the path I'd take but a friend of mine thought it was that he just wanted to fuck someone else so he picked up a random, fucked her and it all passed.

Just a few thoughts. I wouldn't put too much stock into it. Like I said, it happens to most guys and it just passes.

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Apr 23, 2015
Dingdong08:

I've never strayed, and this isn't bragging but not because I haven't had the opportunities (any somewhat successful and not horrible looking guy has the opps all the time, or if you've ever done business in East Asia, it's just constantly presented).

Curious as to which East Asian country you were suggesting here lol

Apr 23, 2015
hippiehappymonkey:
Dingdong08 wrote:

I've never strayed, and this isn't bragging but not because I haven't had the opportunities (any somewhat successful and not horrible looking guy has the opps all the time, or if you've ever done business in East Asia, it's just constantly presented).



Curious as to which East Asian country you were suggesting here lol

Every single one.

Apr 23, 2015
hippiehappymonkey:
Dingdong08 wrote:

I've never strayed, and this isn't bragging but not because I haven't had the opportunities (any somewhat successful and not horrible looking guy has the opps all the time, or if you've ever done business in East Asia, it's just constantly presented).



Curious as to which East Asian country you were suggesting here lol

As someone who's lived in Asia for 9 years now and worked for over 7 in finance.. ALL OF THEM (in East Asia). People seem to love hookers/mistresses. Japan/Korea/China/HK/Taiwan/Vietnam/Thailand/Singapore etc etc etc.

Apr 23, 2015

Much appreciated, thanks for chiming in. Hoping this will pass soon or I'm at least switching teams

Apr 23, 2015
Dingdong08:

Developing feelings is bad but I think it happens to nearly every guy who's been married for a while. It doesn't necessarily reflect on your feelings for or relationship with your wife (it very well could of course) but after a few years of marriage it seems like your brain wants something different (that seven year itch isn't complete bullshit). I've had nearly all of my close friends say the same thing. Happened to me a couple of years ago. Woman in the office (I'd bet for guys who work a lot it's almost always a work related woman), a more junior employee (but not someone who worked directly for me), smart, hot, interesting, the whole package. I thought I was developing feelings and probably was. But the important thing is to do NOTHING with them. Let them pass. Don't fuck her and definitely don't tell her or your wife. Try to avoid her to whatever degree you can (difficult if she's your boss), volunteer for a long work trip, take a vacation with your wife, or whatever that gets you spending time with your wife and not the boss. As the last option switch jobs, or see if you can be put on a different team. Those feelings could and should go away and you'll realize it was a passing fancy and won't even think of it in a few years. It's only been a week.

If they don't go away then you have to really take stock of your life and marriage. Is it worth losing your wife for an untested property? Can you imagine life without your wife, for all things big and small? Are you just horny and need to fuck a different woman? This isn't the path I'd take but a friend of mine thought it was that he just wanted to fuck someone else so he picked up a random, fucked her and it all passed.

Just a few thoughts. I wouldn't put too much stock into it. Like I said, it happens to most guys and it just passes.

This.

Apr 23, 2015

Happens to everyone. Do exactly as DingDong08 said.

Apr 23, 2015

read this book by Christopher Ryan: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex_at_Dawn - will explain a lot of the emotions you're feeling

WSO's COO (Chief Operating Orangutan) | My Linkedin

Apr 23, 2015

Wiki looks pretty interesting for that book, may have to check it out

Apr 23, 2015

Tell yourself it's just raging hormones trying to ruin your life. That and for some reason we are engineered to think anyone in an authority/power position is hotter than they really are. Also see mermaid effect.

So take a step back and try to rationally think through a pro/con list. Sure it sounds nerdy as hell, but is ruining your marriage with the woman you have (and most likely plan to) loved all of your life worth it for one month of good sex followed by "oh you're not as hot as I originally remembered"

Apr 23, 2015

Do you still love your wife?

Do you love your family more than your job?

That's the $64K question.

Office romances involving married people never end well IMHO.

Some thought should be given to quitting and working elsewhere.

Apr 23, 2015

Yes. And yes.

I think I've done what I used to ridicule in other men, and created this fantasy world in my head above the chaotic home life. So after I wrote this last night, I come in today and she gives me a nice smile, and I turned into an f'ing 13 year old about it. I was happy until I was scared.

I'm not happy about what I'm feeling and I'm hoping in a few weeks I'll shake it off. Luckily I'm in a job where it's easier to switch companies than it is for some on here, so that's a definite consideration.

Apr 23, 2015

We are not as righteous as we would like ourselves to be. There is nothing wrong with this. Your responsibility as a husband is to be a life partner, not a lover. As long as you don't do anything that hurt your wife "publicly" and continue to support her and your kids financially - everything else doesn't matter. As long as whatever happened outside of the house, stays outside of the house.

If monogamy was meant to be Ashley Madison won't be making any money.
www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2015-04-15/adulter...

Apr 24, 2015

Golden rule: Don't shit where you eat.

This is why I'm so glad I had liberal parents. They offered me to take 2-3 years off before starting college just to fuck around. I banged chicks day in & day out. All races, all different sexual experiences, etc. The result? I got it out of my system and today, whenever I think of a female, I just get exhausted at the idea of having to bang her.

At a biological level, I just don't get turned on by ''hot'' chicks anymore. I just see them for what they are: dudes with a little more hormones.

If I ever have kids, I'd have to wait until I'm in my late 40's.

    • 1
Apr 24, 2015

I feel for your wife though. She's now sleeping, next to a man who is thinking about another woman. Wow. I feel like you already cheated on her.

If you ever decide to make the move and bang your supervisor, let me know. I'll take care and comfort your ex-wife =)

No worries though. I'll let her cry on my chest once I'm done banging her throat.

How did you feel after reading this? Probably like your wife would feel if she knew.

Listen, go jerk off, if you still want the supervisor, man up & go for it. Just tell your wife that you need a break to live your teenage years.

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Apr 27, 2015

deleted response to troll

Apr 24, 2015
Brent Crude:

Agree 100% with your point. As they say, I've cheated in my heart. And yes I've considered her perspective. Physical cheating isn't going to happen, mental cheating is going with me to the grave.

You need to relax. Actually, this is a good opportunity to test the maturity/seriousness level of your marriage and take it to another level.

If you really believe that your wife is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, then bring up the subject and laugh it off. It will show her that you trust her.

Tell her something like: ''since I haven't lived my teenage years, my brain always tries to mess with me . Like, whenever HE sees an attractive woman, he wants to get her''. If she's mature and really wife material, she'll brush it off.

That's what humans do. We try to improve ourselves. Simply tell her that you will work on that aspect.

Obviously, after being this honest, you'll be the bitch in the relationship. Lol. You're so weak. Throwing your life away for some physical sensation. haha.

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Apr 24, 2015
Brent Crude:

Agree 100% with your point. As they say, I've cheated in my heart. And yes I've considered her perspective. Physical cheating isn't going to happen, mental cheating is going with me to the grave.

Ok now you're trolling because there is no way you're this big of a pussy.

Apr 24, 2015

God what a troll (worse than me)

Apr 24, 2015

Results are in: @companion is a Virgin

    • 1
Apr 24, 2015

Although I'm a 25 year old kid I thing I'm more mature than my peers so I'll take the risk and drop some advice. I'm gonna assume you're in late 30s - early 40s. Probably have being with your current partner for a long time so ill say anywhere from 7-15 years (including marriage and formal dating). I think what you might be experiencing is what I like to call "comfort love" with you're current partner what I mean that you have gotten to the point were you're marriage has become a new normal "safe haven" and it has shifted from the romantic affection to just the company and understanding you get from your partner.

As a prime example I can give my grandparents at their age they don't hold each other hands anymore or give kisses to each other or any of that type of affection they do talk and playboard games with each other but the romantic love is gone and although they do love each other their relationship has switch into a different level. Another thing that can cause this is having children early during the marriage the focus of the relationship is lost, and new responsibilities are acquired which is to mold and nurture you're offspring. This causes intimacy to be lost between partners and you switch from lovers to parents. [

My suggestion would be to take a vacation with your wife, if you have children leave them with family members. Go enjoy each others company have more sex during getways, have romantic dinners twice a month, do a hobby together send her flowers and chocolates to work just because it will make her fee appreciated and you will keep the romantic flow going that;s my advice to you.

God I think I did took in a lot from psychology from personality in college lol. I guess if I didn't like banking and finance so much I could've be a successful psychoanalyst lol.

    • 2
Apr 24, 2015

Just screw her, get a new job and live happily ever after

  • Associate 2 in CorpFin
Apr 24, 2015

kill wife, live a happy life.

maybe fuck boss?

Apr 24, 2015

Hooking up with someone in the office would of course be a bad idea, as it would severely damage your reputation (for obvious reasons).

However, that doesn't mean you can't redirect these urges elsewhere. Have you ever considered the possibility that monogamy is not the optimal choice for you? Or your wife? I would guess that your wife has had similar feelings for other men on occasion, as virtually all women do. If you both can set aside societal taboos and knee-jerk jealous reactions for a moment, perhaps you can explore whether a more "open" relationship makes sense for you both?

Apr 24, 2015
labanker:

Hooking up with someone in the office would of course be a bad idea, as it would severely damage your reputation (for obvious reasons).

However, that doesn't mean you can't redirect these urges elsewhere. Have you ever considered the possibility that monogamy is not the optimal choice for you? Or your wife? I would guess that your wife has had similar feelings for other men on occasion, as virtually all women do. If you both can set aside societal taboos and knee-jerk jealous reactions for a moment, perhaps you can explore whether a more "open" relationship makes sense for you both?

I just lol'd picturing that discussion. Wife: "Honey, how was your day?" Brent: "Good. Got a deal done, had a tuna melt for lunch. Oh yeah, I think I'm in love with my boss. Have you ever considered that we should become swingers? Want to go out tonight for dinner?"

    • 4
Apr 24, 2015

Wait...what?

"Now go get your f'n shinebox!"

Apr 24, 2015

Companion, good for you if you have that type of relationship with your wife. But OP if your wife is like 99% of women, bringing this up is a terrible idea. I think colombianmonkey has some good ideas. Go on a vacation, or even just have a date night or staycation for a weekend, put some effort into it. Will get you thinking about being in love with your wife again and keep your boss off your mind.
This happens to everyone, don't beat yourself up. Just put your head down and get through it and you'll come out better on the other side.

Apr 24, 2015

At this point, the real question is: WHO IS OP?

I bet $2 that it's BlackHat.

Apr 24, 2015

DON'T TELL YOUR WIFE! It will only make her insecure. The fact that you have acknowledged that your feelings for your supervisor are not right is a step in the right direction. You need to spend more time with you wife. Take a long vacation with her. Possibly re-create your honeymoon. Try to revive the romantic spark.

Apr 24, 2015

Interested in how this plays out.

Apr 24, 2015

I can't believe I have to say this, but you should never tell your wife you want to fuck another woman. It would be one thing if you said you wanted to bang Jennifer Lopez or some celebrity you'd never meet (still would not recommend). But, it is thousands of times worse if you said your boss, your nanny, your co-worker, your mother in-law, or some other person who you regularly interact with in real life.

It would be much better if you actually banged them and didn't say anything than not bang them and say you want to. This is literally the worst relationship advice ever.

    • 1
Apr 24, 2015

Yeah on that note, my wife was teasing me one time about a girl at work, and a harmless quip cost me.

Me: "well, if I was gonna cheat on you, I would have done it a long time ago ... Uh, shit, nevermind."
Mrs. Irish: " Wait, wtf?!?!"

That's how dry spells are started.

Apr 24, 2015

Clearly, 99.99% of all dudes here are still living their teenage years. Reading you guys reminds me of the shits I use to say when I was like 16 years old.

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Apr 24, 2015
companion:

Clearly, 99.99% of all dudes here are still living their teenage years. Reading you guys reminds me of the shits I use to say when I was like 16 years old.

Are you married?

Apr 25, 2015
SSits:

companion wrote:Clearly, 99.99% of all dudes here are still living their teenage years. Reading you guys reminds me of the shits I use to say when I was like 16 years old.

Are you married?

I'm not retarded, so the answer is no.

Marriage is only acceptable for a man under 2 conditions:

1) You're married to the daughter of some royalty or of some super wealthy family.

or

2) You're in your 40's, no kids, great career, have it all, and you feel like it's time to share what you've accumulated with your child.

Other than these two axioms, if you get married for other reasons, it's not worth it.

    • 1
Apr 24, 2015

Interesting that you (the guy that refers to his gf as a "cum dump") are advocating for a course of action, on the basis of maturity, that all of the married guys on here know is total poison for a marriage.

Hopefully you reach this level of maturity that you are referring to with your first, second, third, etc wife.

    • 1
Apr 24, 2015

By my count, 2 dudes are living in la-la land. Everyone else lives on planet Earth.

    • 1
Apr 25, 2015

Definitely don't tell your wife, ever. She will think/see this type of shit forever regardless of whether or not it is real going forward. Figure it out on your own, talk to your boss and have a real conversation, not about this, but just to see how you feel afterwards and if you still want to bang HER or just the idea of her. Mask it as performance review or some innocuous yet semi intimate one on one situation.

It's more than likely the idea of a woman in authority position, my fantasy is being in some type of life or death court case and banging my hot brunette lawyer before she saves my ass in court. I get it. Unless your boss is scarlett Johansen in a skirt suit with at least 75% of a brain then it's some idealized image in your mind and not real.

Does every guy want to fuck every mildly attractive woman? Of course.

Does being around said/particular woman fitting that description every day exacerbate this? Of course.

It's 99% likely just hormones.

Apr 25, 2015

Great perspective, kj, and thanks to just about everyone else.

I have scheduled a meeting next week, and obviously not along the lines of, "so, uh, are you offended if I say I want to bang you?" But I think, re: your point, it'll help me clear some of the hormonal shit clouding my judgment. And if it doesn't, that's a giant red flag but is also good to know.

I'm gonna go away and update in about a month. My guess is I'll have my head out of my ass and this'll have passed. This has been my first real test, but I think I'm on the right track. (Sorry if that's 'gay' to anyone hoping I end up nailing her')

Apr 29, 2015
Brent Crude:

Great perspective, kj, and thanks to just about everyone else.

I have scheduled a meeting next week, and obviously not along the lines of, "so, uh, are you offended if I say I want to bang you?" But I think, re: your point, it'll help me clear some of the hormonal shit clouding my judgment. And if it doesn't, that's a giant red flag but is also good to know.

I'm gonna go away and update in about a month. My guess is I'll have my head out of my ass and this'll have passed. This has been my first real test, but I think I'm on the right track. (Sorry if that's 'gay' to anyone hoping I end up nailing her')

OP, does this woman's first name start with the letter D?

Apr 25, 2015

The trolling has exceeded all reasonable levels of believability at this point.

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Apr 25, 2015

As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly.

Apr 26, 2015

To the OP from a guy who's been married:

Deal with it. It happens every so often to where you wonder what it would be like to sleep with someone who isn't your wife. It also happens where you wonder what a relationship would be like.

Unless you act on it then it doesn't mean jack shit. Just let it pass and until it does don't put yourself in a position to act on it.

Apr 26, 2015

lol everyone is taking the OP so seriously like they're not a 13 year old typing up bullshit stores on a Thursday night.

god knows if i ever cared enough to want relationship advice, the first place I would go is to the internet.

Apr 29, 2015

Sorry guys I'm late to the party

What's going on in here? I'm seeing stuff about cum dumpsters, trannies, Catholic grandmothers, daughters of Russian oligarchs, etc. It's a lot to take in

    • 1
Apr 29, 2015
Going Concern:

Sorry guys I'm late to the party

What's going on in here? I'm seeing stuff about cum dumpsters, trannies, Catholic grandmothers, daughters of Russian oligarchs, etc. It's a lot to take in

Key takeaway is that companion has declared that he won the thread. Nothing more to see here.

Apr 29, 2015
SSits:

Key takeaway is that companion has declared that he won the thread. Nothing more to see here.

Apr 29, 2015

Companion, is this you?

Apr 30, 2015
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May 19, 2015